A Wonderful Hubby, More Dreams and Less Reading

I'm hurting myself.  I'm winding myself into such a tight knot of stress that I'm about to burst at any moment.  I have to stop.

I have spent the last 2 weeks in a cyclone of emotion and I've dragged my poor husband through the wringer with me.

I'm worried that I won't have a child.  I need to be focused on the positive right now.  Its early in my IF journey, really and we don't even KNOW a lot of the clinical stuff yet.  I haven't even had a day 3 blood analysis, to determine whether my FSH really is high.  And right now the decision is not to do one.  Not yet, anyway.  Right now I'm supposed to be bolstering my wellness.  Focusing on my body, mind and spirit and becoming as healthy, vibrant and vital as I can make myself.  But there is a time limit to this...I know...and it looms and depresses and worries me.

The reading I've been doing is stressing me out.  Its making me think about all the challenges that I might have to face & I don't know if I can do it.  I love the blogs I've found and I want to know more about these amazing women and understand the strength that they have so that I may have it too.  But I think I have to stop.  Or slow down, anyway.  As I read, I feel my heart becoming heavy, my chest closing in, and my throat developing a hard lump.  I've got so little to do at work (a frustration in itself, which I may get to in another post) these days that I sit and read and get more and more tense throughout the day.  Then by the time I get home I'm walking a stress tightrope that I know I'm going to fall off of.  My poor husband gets the brunt of it.  He works from home and he is working very very hard at launching his own business...but I come home and there are dishes, laundry, crumbs on the counter, vacuuming, cat litter, etc...and that's all it takes to send me over the edge.  I crash & bang my way through the house.  I can imagine what a jerk I look like.

The back room that I had been doing my meditation in was junky and full of boxes & just disorganized.  It's been our catch all room for anything we don't really know what to do with or just haven't gotten to.  The other day I came home and all the boxes were cleared away.  2 tables were set in the corners draped with pretty fabric, with little lamps set on them.  An incense burner and 2 calming scents of incense were set out.  A couple of nice cushions on the floor and a beautiful new soft blanket.  Some books on the Tao, Meditation, Poetry placed carefully on the shelves.  My old ghetto blaster set up with my meditation CD in it.  My husband is my favorite person in the whole world.  I don't deserve him.

Yesterday I went to my naturopath for an acupuncture appointment.  My food sensitivity tests had come back & it appears that I'm in pretty good shape food wise.  My body can comfortably assimilate just about anything.  The only thing I have to steer clear of is Eggs.  I get a mild reaction to them - so I'm not supposed to have them.  If they are in something I buy, no big deal, but I shouldn't have 'true' eggs, and if I'm baking I should use an egg replacer.  So I'm all good in that area.  But I just broke down in her office & wept.  I know its stress.  That's exactly what it is.  And I know I'm holding things in which just makes it build.  We didn't get to acupuncture before her next client showed who was her last client of the day.  She told me to come back after her last appointment and she would stay and give me a treatment.  In the reception room I paid the receptionist & told her to charge me for 2 appointments as I'd be coming back.  So I paid & came back & got my treatment.  Then she told me she wasn't charging me for the earlier time, so she'd applied a credit to my account.  That was sweet.  I needed that kindness.

I got home and had a great talk with Hubby & apologized for being like the 3 faces of Eve recently.  He understood.  He just wants me to relax.  He is so confident that this will happen for us.  He knows we will have 2 children.  I will be thrilled with just one.

And the dreams....well, I had another one last night.  Strange how the dreams have resurfaced after so long an absence.  I dreamed that my work gave me a cheque for $75,000.00.  Not sure why -they just did.  They were giving everyone big cheques.  Actually everyone was getting 2 cheques but I only got one, and they thought I would be upset about that but I didn't care because, hey, its $75,000.00 - why complain!  Maybe its a lesson to make the most of the hand you are dealt....to be happy with what is given you instead of focusing on what is not. 

So, I will still read your blogs & slowly get to know you all...but only a little at a time...only what my heart and head can handle at once.  I will continue to write my own...I find it therapeutic.  I hope you will find something of value in it for you, as well.

Peace
~SCS

"Following" Frustration! Fellow Blogger advice needed.

I don't know if anyone can help, but I do hope that if you are reading this that you will.

I have been trying to follow a few blogs that I have found, but I can't!  There is no option to, no follow button on the blog!

I don't really understand how this all works, I guess.

On a couple I was able to 'subscribe' but then it took me to a Google reader thing and that's where I will apparently see updates.  I don't really want that.  I want the blog to appear in my 'blogs I follow' list on my dashboard so that I can see when someone has written a new post.

This also concerns me that others can't follow my blog.  I clicked on 'what is following' and it gave instructions on how to add a 'follow' button to my blog, by going to the 'layout' tab on the dashboard.....but there is no such tab!

I'm seriously confused!  HELP, please!

Dreams

I used to dream vividly and remember my dreams very clearly.  I can remember dreams from my childhood and in my younger years I used to have recurring dreams.  I haven't had recurring dreams in many years, nor have I had very vivid dreams as frequently as I used to.  I haven't dreamed much in the past several years at all, to be honest.

The last 2 nights I have had vivid dreams.

Last night I had a dream that I was sorting mail for our Canadian Postal System.  For some background on this, I have been 'floating' in the last couple of years or so trying to decide what career I would like to settle down into.  I will post more details of that in another post.  At any rate, one of my thoughts was that I might enjoy being a mail carrier.  I am a big walker, I don't want to take my work home with me, and they have excellent pay, benefits & pension.  At least, they did.  I have been doing some vacation coverage for them through the season in order to get a foot in the door.  Over the last several weeks there has been a dispute between the union and the corporation over the terms of a new collective agreement so there were strikes and lockouts and all sorts of craziness.  The carriers were just ordered back to work by the Canadian Government a couple of days ago.  My dream was that I was sorting through the backlog of mail, trying to organize everything for a route that I had never done before.  I was buried and innundated, frustrated & crying, seeing no way to dig my way out.

The night prior I dreamed about my Grandmother.  She and I were very, very close & I lost her very suddenly to Cancer this past November.  My husband and I actually bought the house next door to her.  Since Gramma's passing my mother has bought the house, as my father passed away a few months earlier in August and Gramma's house worked better for mom.  (its been a very, very difficult year)

I dreamed that my Gramma, my Mother, Hubby or my Sister (not sure which), and myself were hiking in a Grand Canyon-esque landscape.  There was a ridge with a shallow step that we climbed down on to.  It overlooked a gaping drop.  There were small, weak looking trees and branches growing out of the edge of the rock.  I grabbed on to one to assess the stability of where we were and it pulled right out of the ground.  I told everyone that we had better get off of the ledge as it wasn't safe.  We heard some rumbling beneath us & I told everyone to hurry.  We climbed up to the safe ground and walked on.  I turned around and Gramma was still there on the ledge unable to get up.  We rushed back to help her but she said for us to go on that there was no way she could get up.  I jumped down and said "no, come on Gramma, this way, you can do this, its easy", and I took her hand and led her down a different path (which miraculously appeared) which was a slow easy grade to safe ground.

I choke up at this.  I choke up every time I think of her.  I miss her.

AF Excuses

I find that I use AF as an excuse to drop the good habits & indulge myself for a few days.

I had a lovely date with Hubby on Friday night.  I really shared with him & he really listened.  Life is so busy for us that a couple of weeks can go by and we don't really have time to discuss whats happening in our heads and hearts with each other.  It felt REALLY good.  It helped, too, that the food was spectacular and the wine was very nice.

Saturday we had to get up and hit the road out of town as we were playing a festival.  Lovely place, nice people, sold some CDs.  We did our set, stayed like good musicians to support a couple of the acts that followed, mingled a bit, and took off to another town for a close friend of the family 50th wedding anniversary party that we were to play at as well.  We had to stop for lunch along the way & had greasy fish & chips at pretty much the only place we could find.  I only at half & still felt gross. 

The party was nice.  We stayed later than we had anticipated.  I sat in front of a campfire breathing in smoke for a good hour.  That wasn't so fun.  I resisted the cake, but had a glass of wine.  By the time we got home at 10pm we were starved & got a pizza.  More wine with that.  Then to bed.

Up at a decent time Sunday & packed a picnic.  Rode our bikes along a 20K old rail bed trail from one nearby town to another.  Gorgeous day.  It was just what my soul needed.  Took almost an hour and a half one way.  We stopped in a park at the end & ate our egg salad sandwiches, carrots & celery and some nuts & seeds.  Then we went down to the main drag of the little town & locked up our bikes & snooped around a bit.  Went into a nice cafe which appears to specialize in Fritters, where Hubby ordered a 'banana split fritter'.  I resisted & just had a couple of bites of his.  It was, as the name suggests, quite good!  There was also a chocolate shop on the strip and I HAD to go in.  I resisted buying anything, but I did take a little sample of a milk chocolate ladybug they had set out.  I am a chocolatier (just for fun, not professionally, but maybe one day I will do it professionally).  I took an intensive course & have a certificate & everything - which of course, makes me official.  Its a dangerous and expensive hobby!

Got home Sunday afternoon & had a glass of wine on the deck.  Ate some leftover pizza and drew a nice warm bath with Epsom salts & essential oils.  Read more of "Fully Fertile" while bathing.  Soon after this I was serenaded by Hubby's snores coming from the bedroom.  It was only 7:30pm!  I was feeling sleepy too, though.  After my bath I decided it was a good time to try out the whole meditation thing.  I got out some pillows to sit on, lit some incense, and put on the instructional CD.  The sun was beginning to set so the lighting in the spare room (which will one day SOON be the baby's room) was soft and lovely.  I listened softly to the gentle voice on the CD.  When the instructional portion was over I continued on listening to the music & just focusing on my breath for who knows how long.  It was...lovely.  My mind would wander & when I noticed it, I would just calmly bring myself back to 'thinking' only about my breath.  Normally I would berate myself & get angry that I'm not doing it right, but I was in such a good place that I cut myself a break on it (as you are supposed to).  It felt great.  I can definitely see how finding a place for this in my life will help keep me calm & centred (which I am normally NOT!).

I had a wonderful, long deep sleep Sunday night.

Monday morning I got up to see Dr. Jam (my new nickname for wonderful Chiropractor man!).  We reviewed all the info he gathered on our previous appointment.  WOW!  My lower spine is over curved & we need to bring that back a bit.  My pelvis is tilted to the left, while my shoulders & neck tilt to the right to compensate.  From the top of my shoulders to the base of my skull that section of spine should be gently curved, but mine is poker straight.  He said that he'd never seen one so perfectly straight - you could seriously put a level on it!  It was totally clear and obvious from the xrays which he showed me.  Nerves in that section affect the pituitary & thyroid, while in the lower part of my back & pelvis is obviously reproductive organs.  Yes - I am highly blocked.  He's going to open me up!  Again, the scanny test results were obvious & clear, and I am also quite flat footed, which will impede my response to the adjustments (he will adjust me, I walk around for a few days on flat feet & my body starts to re-compensate again....no progress).  So....orthotics it is, as well as adjustments 3x per week for now which will give us two steps forward, one step back in terms of progress.  It will be a long haul to 'unjam' me, but whatever the result, I will only glean positive health impacts from this.  The first adjustment was a little uncomfortable but I felt marvelous afterwards.  My chronically tender lower back had NO PAIN for almost half the day Monday which was amazing to me!  In a couple of weeks maybe I'll get to a whole pain free day!

Last night I went to see that Bridesmaids movie at the theatre with my mom, Aunt & cousins, and I had popcorn & tea for supper.  Regretted that at 10pm.  Hysterical movie though!  Got home, finished the bottle of wine, plopped in front of the TV till midnight & went to bed.  Not the routine I'm supposed to be following.

Today I'm back on the proverbial horse.  Healthy breakfast, vitamins & herbs, healthy packed lunch, yoga after work...Hopefully a relaxing evening with some meditation worked in there.

I feel like I'm moving forward....I just have to control my unhealthy urges more effectively!

Chiropractor & Other Stuff

Chiropractor


**Now I know why health care providers are given cute nicknames on blogs.  It's annoying to write 'chiropractor' or 'naturopath' over and over again!  I'll have to come up with some cute nicknames.**


I want to talk about my initial visit with the Chiropractor this morning because it was just so great!  First, what a nice man!  Young (40s), friendly, compassionate and I think THOROUGH!  We talked a lot about Chiropractic care and fertility issues and he was right on track with some of the things I have read in the last week.  He asked me a number of questions about the fertility history and understood all that I told him.  He and his wife struggled for a little while too, but they got it sorted out through charting & the support of clomid.  He asked questions about my physical symptoms and I was able to clearly articulate my current state as well as my history (I've had to dredge through it enough recently - and I'm feeling more in tune with my body....recognizing when I'm feeling a certain way).  He seemed to think the story was fairly typical.


He took me into a room and took some x-rays.  Then he used these little gun devices with wires attached that went into a laptop.  He 'scanned' my spine from top to bottom with these and the laptop display registered areas of misalignment, pressure, compression, etc.  The results were incredible!  He could have looked at this picture without talking to me and told ME all the concerns that I had just told him!  In fact, the laptop brought to surface a few things I had neglected to mention!  I was blown away.  Yes - my breathing is laboured and heavy.  Check.  Yes, my foot bothers me from a fall a little over a year ago.  Check.  And, yes indeedy, my cycles are irregular and I have not been able to conceive!  Then he did this foot scan thing which we will talk about next appointment, but I could clearly see from the scan against what is supposed to be 'normal' that we have a lot more to discuss!


Then he lies me down on the table and presses along my pelvis.  "You are really jammed up!" he says.  "When I push down here it should be springy, but you're really tight."  He presses up and down my spine and basically pinpoints all the areas that are sensitive, tender and generally a problem for me. 


"I think I can help you"  he says.  "at the very least I can help move your body back to a place where it is no longer hindering your efforts so dramatically"


I see him again Monday morning.  I can't wait!


Blogging
I'm very new to this blogging thing, despite having signed up here over a year ago.  I have found several blogs to follow and one that I'm in the process of reading through before I get to any more (Mad Hatter's blog "Late for a Very Important Pregnancy"  check it out!  I'd put a link if I knew how!).  I am working my way through it steadily - a lot of reading, and a lot of information!  I am also reading all the comments which provide so much information too.  I can't wait to get to know and visit some of the other IF bloggers out there.  But I think I may be staring at the screen too much.  I'm getting headaches.  I don't normally get headaches.  Regardless, I am so glad I found this - its a release for me and helps me to feel that I am not alone.  But please excuse me in advance (and let me know!) if I make some sort of etiquette faux pas....I'm only just starting to learn!


Fertility Friend
I have signed up on Fertility Friend which I have read so much about thru MH's blog.  I have been charting my cycles (if you can call them that) on paper for a year now, but this online resource looks far more dynamic.  My ND says that if it works for me and still provides all the info she wants, then it works for her too.


I drank wine last night and had pasta and bread for dinner.  I figure I got AF, so what the hell.  Plus I was really, really bummed and just wanted to wallow in self pity.  Today I feel much better.  AF looks good (I'm calling this CD1 as yesterday was really just more spotty) despite having taken a while to come.  Plus I am armed with a whole arsenal of weapons in my battle:
-Naturopathic consisting of TCM and Acupuncture
-TCM herbs
-Supplements (Multi, Iron, Thyro-set, CoQ10) - the thyro set is for gentle support, my thyro tests normally
-Chiropractic
-Charting on FF (BBT, CM, other SandS)
-My own documenting of my daily routines and SandS
-Meditation
-Yoga
-Aromatherapy for relaxation
-an AMAZING hubby
-Blogging and finding some more friends out there who know what I'm going through.  Looking forward to 'meeting' you and getting to know you all!

Many of these are new - just within the last couple of weeks - thanks for the most part to MH's blog and the comments on it!  I will be taking some time now to see how they all fit into my life and schedule.  I'm finding there are simply not enough hours in the day, and I'm still getting to bed about an hour later than I'd like to!

But for now, its Friday afternoon.  I just spent an hour here at work writing this instead of working.  Its almost time to wrap up and go home.  I was supposed to go to the gym but cancelled because AF is too heavy (I don't like to work out CD1-3, I get nervous about leaking).  Hubby is taking me on a date.  Indian Food.  A glass of wine.  A nice, long, hand held talk over the table, looking into his gentle, caring brown eyes & then a stroll either down the main drag of our small city, or in the park a few blocks from the restaurant.  That's the pace I'm longing for tonight.  I'm already melting into the thought of it....

~SCS

BFN & CD1 All Before 10am.

Wow, what a day.  First, yesterday my naturopath provided me with some more PG test strips.  Being on CD43 and with the 'two line trick' I explained to her, she suggested I take another first thing this morning.  We did acupuncture and she took 'just in case' precautions around my possibly being pregnant.

I woke at 5am to take my BBT as usual.  38.3.  Thats lower than normal & a big drop from the past couple of weeks.  I hit 'snooze' and took it again about 20 minutes later.  38.8.  Thats closer to normal for me.  I got up and got my little pee cup & did my thing.  BFN.  At least this time I didn't trick myself into believing I was pregnant.  I kind of just figured it was another crappy cycle.

Off to the gym.  Work out my frustrations with my trainer.  Felt good.

About an hour ago AF arrived. 

Big morning.  At least I have new cycle to have hope for.

I did talk to my naturopath about CoQ10 & she agreed it wouldn't hurt and wouldn't interact with anything I'm currently taking.  So I'll be picking up some of that today. 

I went to the bookstore to look for "The Infertility Cure".  They didn't have it, but I got a book called "Fully Fertile" which looks interesting.  Particularly its got a lot of fertility Yoga poses which I was looking to find anyway.  I also got a beginner meditation book and a meditation CD.  I HAVE to calm my mind.

My big challenge is figuring out how to slow my life down so that my body can build itself up rather than deplete itself.  Its going to take some time....and there will be people who will be unhappy with it.  Thats always hard for me.  I am a 'pleaser'.

I get to spend some time with my 3 year old neice tonight.  She ALWAYS brings me such overwhelming joy.  I'll feel better then.

CD 43

This is another long one.  I had some spotting day 15-17.  Maybe that was a light period.  If thats the case then I'm technically on CD 29.

I find my breathing to be very heavy lately.  I'm sighing a lot.  I'm off to my Naturopath to get some accupuncture & I'm armed (not that I have to be with her) with a bunch of new info from reading Mad Hatter's blog & comments others have made.  My brain is spinning I've taken in so much new information in the past week.

I'm SO glad I found this IF community on here.  It gave me the courage to 'come out' (at least here - not so much in my public life) about my own struggle and has really renewed my interest in blogging too - which I am finding to be a TREMENDOUS relief!

I spent this past weekend in a very blue state.  I hadn't had alcohol in a little over a month and I had a few glasses of wine.  I ate pasta and cheese and cookies and cake and ice cream.  Today I'm back on the horse....nice and clean, vitamins, herbs, BBT, paying attention to how I'm feeling.

I made up a sheet for myself to fill in every day (I function so well with a process).  I date it and record the time.  It reminds me to take my herbs & vitamins, to do the castor oil pack, to document what I eat, to check my tongue, to listen to my body for things it might be telling me.  I'm thinking its going to give me a lot of information after a few weeks.  My memory isn't so my naturopath will ask me a specific question and I haven't a clue.  "have you been feeling warm lately?"  Ummm....I don't know!  So, I will write down if I'm feeling warm, cold, tired, what my CM is like, etc etc etc.  The more info we have the stronger we are in this battle!

I intend to win.

Let's Make a Deal!

I find myself lately trying to make deals to make this happen. This weekend I went to my folks cottage. My husband and I got married there, on the shoreline at sunset. We also had our first holiday there together when we first started dating. We burned sweetgrass in the fire at the shoreline - right where we said our marriage vows 3 years later. (Sweetgrass became the name of our musical duo for a short time after that)

Anyway, there I was, at sunset, watching the water sparkle and listening to the lapping on the rocks...weeping...making a deal with the spot. It's an important spot, right? There is some sort of energy, or magic there. It must have some power to help us. So I beg it....the spot....to help us. I think of the earth, water, air & fire all meeting in this one place & feel like its GOT to be powerful. I promise to do more...all that I can...to strive to preserve the earth & environment in whatever way I can, if it will only help us. I beg my father, who's ashes we sprinkled into that water just last fall...to help us. I begged my grandmother, who we said goodbye to little more than a month later....to wrangle something up there in Heaven for me....(because if anyone up there could do it...she could).

I'd make a deal with my car if I thought it would help. My shampoo. My guitar. My teacup.

I might start trying.

~SCS

Sad

I am deeply, excruciatingly sad.

Two Line Trick

My period is late. By 3 weeks. I took a pregnancy test this morning. One of the generic strips that my naturopath provides me for $2 - they are the same thing as the $30 tests you buy in the pharmacy, but just the guts & not the fancy plastic packaging.

So, I peed. It was a bit awkward trying to get the pee on the right spot, but the colour started to change, so I figured I was doing it right. One sort of half line appears....the test line to show that the test is working....and then in front of that, a second faint half line appears...

WHAT? Could it really be??????

I compare it to the drawing on the little package.....yep....2 lines. I wake my husband. Yep....2 lines. They are only half lines though....what does that mean???? I think, maybe I should do the 'pee in a cup and dip the strip in' thing....maybe that would give a clearer result. I remember reading that there are such things as false negatives but not really false positives. Hope is beginning to bubble up in me....!!! Could this really be happening?!?!

My stomach has been upset the last few days. I've been emotional (but thats not really out of the ordinary). My appetite is off. Maybe this is for real!!!!!!!!!

I have a second test - but no more pee. Well, I guess I will have to wait. I do my usual morning routine. Cup of tea. Glass of water. A little breakfast. Another cup of tea to bring into work. In the back of my mind is 'don't drink too much & dilute things' - while at the front of my mind is 'gotta make pee. gotta make pee.'.

About 20 minutes ago I did the second test here at work.

One line.

Just one line.

Playing Catch Up While the Clock is Ticking

Well - I had good intentions at the beginning, which I always do. Now its been over a year since I posted anything. My journey continued in my silence, though....did it ever.


As opposed to a novel, which I'm not prepared to write unless Harper Collins or Random House are involved, how-be I sum up?

• We have successfully converted to organic in everything that we can get that comes organic - food wise.



• We are still in the process of converting over cosmetic/toiletry items and household cleaners to Organic, Green, or Homemade. We're probably about 70% there.



• We joined a gym several months ago and invested in Personal Trainers so we learn how to exercise and DON'T hurt ourselves. (Hubby has a pretty severe back injury and that limits his progress because of moves he simply cannot do. I have lost 5 lbs of fat and gained 5 lbs of muscle in 5 months.)



• I see my Naturopath regularly & have built a good relationship with her. I receive treatment in acupuncture and TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). I will go into more detail about this later as its a big part of the direction journey has taken.



• Progress and enthusiasm has been slowed by an extremely difficult year. Hubby's Grandfather passed last May (2010), my father passed in August, my Grandmother in November, and my Uncle just a few weeks ago.
  

These are sort of "the big rocks" that have occurred since I last wrote - with the exception of the one all consuming, all encompassing reason for all of it......we are trying to have a child...have been for 16 months....and have not been able to conceive. I didn't bring it up before, perhaps hoping that simple changes in diet & lifestyle would result in a pregnancy. They didn't, haven't, and its time to go deeper on so many levels.

The Fertility Summary looks like this

• I had 2 miscarriages in a previous relationship. One at 9 weeks, one at 14. These occurred in 2004.



• Regular cycles 98% of the time since age 13.



• In January 2010 Hubby and I go to Cuba for our 'last hurrah'. We are going to start trying when we get home.



• Period late in Feb 2010. Take pregnancy test - negative. A week later still no period. Take another test - negative. Call MD - sends me for lab pregnancy test - negative. Diagnosis - just a late cycle.



• March - still no period, but almost daily dark sparse spotting.



• April - same as above. Book appointment with MD. Sends me for blood work another lab pregnancy test - negative. Blood work indicates Anaemia. Thyroid shows normal. Diagnosis - just wait it out.



• April - see Naturopath (ND) for the first time. She takes me off dairy, orders more specific thyroid tests, puts me on a gentle thyroid support supplement, begins TCM treatment with herbs, and does acupuncture.



• May - a period! Wow, what a period! Hits me like a MAC Truck & lasts 7 days - but its a period! ND has me start recording BBT & we continue with treatment.



• June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec....periods normalize. My BBT is lower than normal (taken at 5am its in the 35 degree area). I get night sweats (not every night, but pretty regularly). No real 'spike' or ovulation indicators being picked up. ND feels yin/yang are way out of balance & we need to focus on finding my balance.



• January 2011 - irregular periods begin again. Every 6 or so weeks in general, occasional spotting. CM (cervical mucous) almost non-existent and no EWCM (egg white CM). The toll of the difficult year is starting to be felt. I begin training at the gym which offers some relief. It has now been a year, so ND advises to see MD as they will take more action now that we have been trying for a year unsuccessfully.



• MD seems enthusiastic about helping/discovering if there are issues. Orders thorough blood tests. I get a call a couple of days later from the Md's office asking if I'm experiencing 'black urine' and that if I am I need to go to the emergency room. I advise them that I am not experiencing anything of the sort and that if I was I would have already been to the emergency room! Apparently my 'creatine' level was high. Its a muscle enzyme. I advise them I have been working out. They advised that can happen, but I needed to stop working out for a week and take the blood test again. I did so. They called back and advised that all was well and the creatine levels were back to normal. I asked "Great - what about everything else?". "What do you mean?" they asked. "The blood tests were originally ordered because we're trying to conceive and can't" I replied. "Oh - I'll have to check with the doctor and get back to you". OK.



• A few days later I get a call from the Md's office. "Your creatine levels are fine, you have nothing more to worry about." "I know that" I said "but what about my fertility concerns?". "What do you mean?" they asked. I repeat the initial reason for the tests once again. "Oh - I'll have to check with the doctor and get back to you". OK...



• A few days later I get a call from the Md's office. "Your creatine levels are fine, you have nothing more to worry about." OK. Enough. I lose it - as gently as I am able to. I explain once again the whole point of it all. I explain how this back & forth & their inability to see how it affects me, is affecting me. I suggest that I may need to be referred to a specialist and that I would like the MD to look at the blood tests re: FERTILITY INDICATORS and take appropriate action. I advise I do not want to wait as the chances are that a specialist's waiting list is going to be very long, so I want to get on it right away! The receptionist says she understands, will speak with the doctor and get back to me by the end of the day.



• She calls back & says that if I want to go to a fertility specialist I need to arrange it myself - there is no referral. (???). OK, fine. I check the Internet and there is a clinic in my town that is apparently one of the best in Canada. Their site looks good, seems very compassionate - sounds like just what we need. You must be referred by a family doctor - there is a form to be completed. (BTW - my MD is retiring in July & a new MD is taking over his practice. Can't wait.). I print off the referral form & fax it to my Md's office with a clear letter advising them of what they need to do and that I need it done by the end of the week. They do it.



• I get a letter from the clinic and I have an appointment booked late August (it is March or so at this time). I fill in the masses of forms they send along. In the meantime I continue with ND, Acupuncture, etc.



• May - I get a call from clinic they have a cancellation & can take me that week. YAY! We gather all of our info & I have a whole file ready to go over with the doctor to show my cycles, temperatures, discharge, etc etc etc. I'm thinking I'm so prepared she will be impressed and we'll get right to the bottom of what is happening.



• We go into appointment, nurse weighs me, takes BP, etc. Hubby stays in waiting room & pays for appt & fills out more forms. I come back into waiting room to wait for doctor.



• We get called in. Doctor introduces herself. She is barely intelligible - muttering under her breath, slurring & appears as though she could drop off to sleep at any moment. I think she either was up all night in a delivery or something, or else she must be drunk.



• She asks a few basic questions. Asks "whats this naturopath doing?". I proudly open up my folder with all my BBT charts, all testing results, ND program info. She sort of 'huffs' and says 'well you can stop doing that now its probably just causing you more stress'. She asks - "has your doctor spoken to you about FSH?". I said no - but that my ND has & did tell me that it was high on the blood test results and said she is proceeding in a manner trying to get my ovaries to start 'listening'. I said I really didn't know too much about it beyond that. She said yes, my FSH is quite high (37 at day 13)according to the tests my MD ordered.



• She went on to explain the clinic's process & that on the first day of my next period I am to call them. They will set an appointment for me to come in and have blood drawn on day 3. The rest of the process is a blur now as a result of the information that followed. She took us back into a room with the nurse & said the nurse will walk you through the process in more detail & give you the papers that tell you what to do. Then, as she's leaving the room, she turns to me and says "and you know that if the FSH comes back high after the first blood test then we stop everything there? There will be no further treatment.".



• ................................................................................................what?.......................................



• I brace. The nurse looks at me. I sit. She asks "is this new information for you?" "yes". "Yes, I'm sorry, but if the FSH is high then the only alternative is to look for an egg donor, and we are not legally able to assist you in that process."



• She goes through some sort of info. Hubby handles it. I am somewhere else....in shock.



• I spend several days in shock. I read up on FSH on the internet. I read up on egg donation (though I don't want to go there. I want MY child. Mine & my husbands.). I learn maybe more than I want to know. I also learn that many clinics are thought to be too quick to write off women with high FSH and that they don't want to take them on as patients because they aren't good for their stats. I learn FSH at 37 is astoundingly high.



• I go back to ND. Hubby comes along. She listens. She is sorry we had that experience. She explains that in TCM there is no real acknowledgement of FSH. She views it as an indicator that for some reason the ovaries are not listening. From her perspective we need to wake them up. She recommends that we continue with the acupuncture & herbs, but take a more aggressive approach & try to create an environment of total balance and health in my body, giving the ovaries their best opportunity to do their jobs. This sounds reasonable to me.

So at this point, I am awaiting the results of a food sensitivity test, so that we can do a targeted cleanse & create a specific diet. I am working out 3x a week, taking my herbs, drinking herbal teas, no caffeine or alcohol, getting acupuncture weekly, taking my BBT at 5 every morning, watching CM & praying for EWCM & an on cycle temperature spike, making sure I get good sleep, and trying to figure out 'meditation' of some kind to bring myself 'down'. I am running hot - too much yang. Need to bring in some yin & find my balance.

I feel really good right now. Better than I ever have - physically anyway I'm the strongest I've been in my life. Emotionally......that's another story. I'm up and down. I'm 37. 38 in the fall. I don't want to wait. I don't want to delay. If I need to get an egg donor, I want to know and just get on with the process. But there is no guarantee in that that I will even get pregnant with that process. Its just IVF with someone else's eggs. Adoption is such a long, painful, expensive process too. Many times I feel lost, helpless and deeply, deeply sad. Others I feel optimistic & hopeful.

Now you, dear reader (though I have none at this point & maybe won't ever), are caught up. And the clock ticks on...