My sister in law is in the hospital. Mommy to my week old nephew.
When she delivered my neice 3 years ago she had to go for an emergency C-Section. My sister in law is so tiny there were complications....heart rates soared as did temperatures and that was that for a vaginal delivery. 3-4 weeks later she was rushed to hospital in septic shock due to an infection that had basically taken over her entire abdominal cavity. She was in ICU for almost 2 weeks. We almost lost her.
This time, the C-Section was scheduled and planned. No chances were being taken with a vaginal birth as it was so likely she would not be able to deliver that way anyway. Everyone felt assured that since this was planned that the risk of infection would be dramatically lowered.
Yesterday evening she started getting chills. A couple hours later she spiked a fever. Rush to emerg. Now hoping and praying that if its the start of an infection that they are able to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse.
I'm very afraid. I feel like with all that has happened over the last year or so with our family, that this is an extension of the horrible losses we have experienced. I can't shake the feeling that the 'powers that be' are not done with us yet.... and she is lying helpless in the oncoming path.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let her be ok.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Seriously, Universe?
The past 13 months have been pretty much hell. In fact, things started getting crappy before that even, but the REAL fun started in August of last year when my Step-Father passed away. From that point on the following has happened...
My Grandmother (who I was EXTREMELY close with) got very sick, very quickly (about a month and a half after my dad passed) and we watched her slip away at home for two weeks before she passed on. My great-uncle passed. My Oma began to deteriorate faster & ended up hospitalized for a while - she is now ok, but still declining at 89 years old. My Uncle passed suddenly from a massive heart attack. My step-mother's nephew took his own life. My Grandfather passed. I have not included the losses on my husband's side, or included the stress/grief of handling our own infertility issues, or the stress of worrying about my mother, sister & brother (half sis & bro), none of whom really handle or deal with things - so they are not holding up all that well with all of this.
Now, yesterday, my step-mother's brother passed suddenly, again from a massive heart attack. Today, her sister (who's house he was at when this happened, and who is the mother of the nephew who took his own life) has been rushed to the hospital. We don't yet know what is happening but it looks like maybe a stroke.
2 years ago, I knew I was lucky. That no real grief or harm or loss had touched me (with the exception of my miscarriages - but that was pretty private). Now, I feel like a target. I feel like I've got a big ol' bull's eye sitting right over my heart and the world is loading its quiver trying to get as many shots in as it can before it gets me for good.
None of this is just about me, I know. It deeply affects my family and people I love - but when you count up the 'associations' in all of this...I'm the central figure.
On a wonderful note (there is one!)...I'm an auntie again! 6lb 14oz Liam was born to my brother and his wife a week ago today. He is beautiful and perfect. His 3 year old big sister is adjusting to having to share attention. Thank goodness for the smiles the little ones can bring. I'm so very happy he is here.
It does make me long even more for one of our own, though.
My Grandmother (who I was EXTREMELY close with) got very sick, very quickly (about a month and a half after my dad passed) and we watched her slip away at home for two weeks before she passed on. My great-uncle passed. My Oma began to deteriorate faster & ended up hospitalized for a while - she is now ok, but still declining at 89 years old. My Uncle passed suddenly from a massive heart attack. My step-mother's nephew took his own life. My Grandfather passed. I have not included the losses on my husband's side, or included the stress/grief of handling our own infertility issues, or the stress of worrying about my mother, sister & brother (half sis & bro), none of whom really handle or deal with things - so they are not holding up all that well with all of this.
Now, yesterday, my step-mother's brother passed suddenly, again from a massive heart attack. Today, her sister (who's house he was at when this happened, and who is the mother of the nephew who took his own life) has been rushed to the hospital. We don't yet know what is happening but it looks like maybe a stroke.
2 years ago, I knew I was lucky. That no real grief or harm or loss had touched me (with the exception of my miscarriages - but that was pretty private). Now, I feel like a target. I feel like I've got a big ol' bull's eye sitting right over my heart and the world is loading its quiver trying to get as many shots in as it can before it gets me for good.
None of this is just about me, I know. It deeply affects my family and people I love - but when you count up the 'associations' in all of this...I'm the central figure.
On a wonderful note (there is one!)...I'm an auntie again! 6lb 14oz Liam was born to my brother and his wife a week ago today. He is beautiful and perfect. His 3 year old big sister is adjusting to having to share attention. Thank goodness for the smiles the little ones can bring. I'm so very happy he is here.
It does make me long even more for one of our own, though.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Here we go again
I just entered the last week of my temperatures into Fertility Friend. I knew AF was overdue, but didn't realize she was this late... its CD32.
Guess I'm in for another long cycle.
Guess I'm in for another long cycle.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Detox - Day 1
I'm going to try to kickstart my body. I'm in the worst shape of my life as a result of being down and kind of depressed with the whole IF thing as well as all the other stuff that has gone on over the last couple of years. And always lurking in the back of my mind is the possibility that its my bad habits that I have not been able to overcome that are causing the problem(s). So..... time to come clean.... inside and out.
1) I eat a lot of crap. I eat a lot of healthy stuff too - but I top it up with a good, hearty, daily dose of CRAP. Fast food. Processed food. Sugary or salty or greasy food.
2) I eat WAY too much. My portions are probably really enough for 2 or 3 people.
3) I drink too much. This is a tougher one to admit, but I do. I have at least one glass of red wine every day. Sometimes more. I just love my wine.
Those are the main factors that have led to me being about 40 (yes FORTY) pounds overwieght. I don't look it. I hide my weight well. I look maybe 20 pounds over....but thats really just scratching the surface. I'm quite certain that these factors have also led to my hormonal imbalances which are impacting my ovulation and ability to conceive. I'm sure that my kidneys, spleen and liver are all bogged down and sluggish because of all the toxins that I put into myself daily! I'm sure that my body's abiltiy to communicate with it's various bits and pieces is impeded and interrupted and its struggling to perform its basic functions. I'm certain that all the extra fat that I'm carrying around is full of toxins and hormones that are affecting me. I know my blood is in a state of acidity which is BAD BAD BAD so I need to get alkalized, too.
So....while Dr. Cutie looks into the bloodwork and ultrasounds....I'm detoxing hard core.
No alcohol. Organic. Vegan. No sugar (except for naturally occurring - so no refined or added sugar). No caffiene. No heavily refined flours - lots of cooked whole grains (buckwheat, kamut, millet, teff, quinoa). This is in essence the 'superhero' diet as outlined in the book 'the kind diet'.
I love this food anyway....I don't know why I have the habit of self-sabotaging, but I do. I'll be doing this indefinitely, until I've lost the weight and my cycles start to regulate. I'm convinced that this is the main source of the issue. If, after this, medical intervention is still required then so be it....but at least I'll have created a super healthy bodily environment to work with.
So today I started off with a broth of carrot and daikon with umeboshi plum and some nori. I also had a smoothie with blueberries, watermelon and vega protien. Lunch which I am just starting to get hungry for will be some kamut with dulce flakes and a 'cheesy' sauce made of nutritional yeast (very yummy), navy beans and collard greens tossed with raisins, pumpkin seeds and a little olive oil and balsamic vinegar. The food is delicious - its just different...and you have to get used to the flavour of REAL food which is far less salty than the processed food we live on. It will take a while to get over the salt addiction. Tonight we are having leftovers from the weekend. A dish Hubby really liked. Its a spelt pasta with tomato sauce and lentil 'meat'balls. Really good.
Last night I took my measurements, took photos, and weighed in. YIKES! I like having a starting point, though, so that I can monitor progress. I think that this dramatic calorie reduction plus my 3x weekly workouts will really have the weight come off quickly... I just hope my body really CLEANSES while its at it.
1) I eat a lot of crap. I eat a lot of healthy stuff too - but I top it up with a good, hearty, daily dose of CRAP. Fast food. Processed food. Sugary or salty or greasy food.
2) I eat WAY too much. My portions are probably really enough for 2 or 3 people.
3) I drink too much. This is a tougher one to admit, but I do. I have at least one glass of red wine every day. Sometimes more. I just love my wine.
Those are the main factors that have led to me being about 40 (yes FORTY) pounds overwieght. I don't look it. I hide my weight well. I look maybe 20 pounds over....but thats really just scratching the surface. I'm quite certain that these factors have also led to my hormonal imbalances which are impacting my ovulation and ability to conceive. I'm sure that my kidneys, spleen and liver are all bogged down and sluggish because of all the toxins that I put into myself daily! I'm sure that my body's abiltiy to communicate with it's various bits and pieces is impeded and interrupted and its struggling to perform its basic functions. I'm certain that all the extra fat that I'm carrying around is full of toxins and hormones that are affecting me. I know my blood is in a state of acidity which is BAD BAD BAD so I need to get alkalized, too.
So....while Dr. Cutie looks into the bloodwork and ultrasounds....I'm detoxing hard core.
No alcohol. Organic. Vegan. No sugar (except for naturally occurring - so no refined or added sugar). No caffiene. No heavily refined flours - lots of cooked whole grains (buckwheat, kamut, millet, teff, quinoa). This is in essence the 'superhero' diet as outlined in the book 'the kind diet'.
I love this food anyway....I don't know why I have the habit of self-sabotaging, but I do. I'll be doing this indefinitely, until I've lost the weight and my cycles start to regulate. I'm convinced that this is the main source of the issue. If, after this, medical intervention is still required then so be it....but at least I'll have created a super healthy bodily environment to work with.
So today I started off with a broth of carrot and daikon with umeboshi plum and some nori. I also had a smoothie with blueberries, watermelon and vega protien. Lunch which I am just starting to get hungry for will be some kamut with dulce flakes and a 'cheesy' sauce made of nutritional yeast (very yummy), navy beans and collard greens tossed with raisins, pumpkin seeds and a little olive oil and balsamic vinegar. The food is delicious - its just different...and you have to get used to the flavour of REAL food which is far less salty than the processed food we live on. It will take a while to get over the salt addiction. Tonight we are having leftovers from the weekend. A dish Hubby really liked. Its a spelt pasta with tomato sauce and lentil 'meat'balls. Really good.
Last night I took my measurements, took photos, and weighed in. YIKES! I like having a starting point, though, so that I can monitor progress. I think that this dramatic calorie reduction plus my 3x weekly workouts will really have the weight come off quickly... I just hope my body really CLEANSES while its at it.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Passive Aggression??
So,....it finally happened. I finally got that message going around on Facebook about the little 'in' game for the ladies for Breast Cancer Awareness.
You know....last year we all put on our statuses that we "like it on the kitchen floor" or something like that - referring secretly to where we like to put our purses in our homes. It was supposed to baffle the men and was a fun little thing that was supposed to be about supporting breast cancer awareness.
Well, this year, the cute little game isn't so cute anymore....at least not for some of us. This year, we are to choose our birth month and then indicate a craving for a food item from a pre-made list that is being sent around via Facebook message. So, if my birthday was August 17, my status would be "I'm 8 weeks and craving fudge".
I already knew about this from fellow IF bloggers. I knew it was just a matter of time before it landed in my inbox.
But when it did, this morning, I got mad. Really MAD.
I responded via 'reply all' to my cousin the unwitting sender and a bunch of her friends and some of my family. This is what I said:
Sorry Ladies - I totally support Breast Cancer awareness and am participating in the run for the cure in 2 weeks. I've thought that previous years the little inside status updates were quite cute - and I would not hesitate to participate again.....but I have to decline participation in this particular one, I'm afraid.
I'd suggest that seeing their facebook feeds inundated with statuses like this would be heartbreaking for any woman (or man) suffering from infertility or experiencing challenges having a child.
I hope that next year I can participate again. Have fun with this & sorry.
My family, with the exception of my mother and my sister, do not know about my IF struggle.
Now I feel like they are all going to be wondering.
And I feel like such a bitch.
You know....last year we all put on our statuses that we "like it on the kitchen floor" or something like that - referring secretly to where we like to put our purses in our homes. It was supposed to baffle the men and was a fun little thing that was supposed to be about supporting breast cancer awareness.
Well, this year, the cute little game isn't so cute anymore....at least not for some of us. This year, we are to choose our birth month and then indicate a craving for a food item from a pre-made list that is being sent around via Facebook message. So, if my birthday was August 17, my status would be "I'm 8 weeks and craving fudge".
I already knew about this from fellow IF bloggers. I knew it was just a matter of time before it landed in my inbox.
But when it did, this morning, I got mad. Really MAD.
I responded via 'reply all' to my cousin the unwitting sender and a bunch of her friends and some of my family. This is what I said:
Sorry Ladies - I totally support Breast Cancer awareness and am participating in the run for the cure in 2 weeks. I've thought that previous years the little inside status updates were quite cute - and I would not hesitate to participate again.....but I have to decline participation in this particular one, I'm afraid.
I'd suggest that seeing their facebook feeds inundated with statuses like this would be heartbreaking for any woman (or man) suffering from infertility or experiencing challenges having a child.
I hope that next year I can participate again. Have fun with this & sorry.
My family, with the exception of my mother and my sister, do not know about my IF struggle.
Now I feel like they are all going to be wondering.
And I feel like such a bitch.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Take 2
Several weeks ago I was all scheduled to go for 2 ultrasounds - first an intrauterine and then a day or two later, a sonohysterogram (sp?). I went for the first, then all of a sudden Fertility Friend decided that I MIGHT have ovulated and in tandem with this I got a bit of EWCM. I decided to cancel the second ultrasound just in case I might have conceived. That was somewhere in the neighborhood of CD 60.
Now its CD 24, so clearly, I did not conceive.
Tomorrow I go back for the first ultrasound again. Wednesday I go for the 2nd. Last week I did the second set of blood work and earlier this cycle I did the CD3 blood work. I expect I will be receiving a call from Dr. Cutie soon with respect to all of this. I'm quite nervous that its all going to be bad news. That my FSH is indicative of my ovaries being dried up wastelands incapable of squeezing out anything resembling a viable ovum.
I think I'm a bit numb. I've kind of stopped thinking baby thoughts over the last couple of months. It hurt too much to think about it. I turned it off. I have a very, very bad feeling that things are not going to go my way in this... so I don't really want to get my hopes up.
What an empty feeling.
Now its CD 24, so clearly, I did not conceive.
Tomorrow I go back for the first ultrasound again. Wednesday I go for the 2nd. Last week I did the second set of blood work and earlier this cycle I did the CD3 blood work. I expect I will be receiving a call from Dr. Cutie soon with respect to all of this. I'm quite nervous that its all going to be bad news. That my FSH is indicative of my ovaries being dried up wastelands incapable of squeezing out anything resembling a viable ovum.
I think I'm a bit numb. I've kind of stopped thinking baby thoughts over the last couple of months. It hurt too much to think about it. I turned it off. I have a very, very bad feeling that things are not going to go my way in this... so I don't really want to get my hopes up.
What an empty feeling.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Long Time Coming....
Forgive me, blog sistahs, for I have been distracted. Its been about 2 weeks since my last post.
Since my last post.... my grandfather has passed away, a dear friend has been woefully, wrongfully accused of a terrible act and is now embroiled in a despicable legal battle - his children, life and freedom on the line, I have been wrapped up in an appeal to receive funding for school, my brother (a recovering addict) has had a slip up, I've rented 2 rooms in our home, got behind on housekeeping and bills, made 3 jars of homemade ketchup, read 3 books, begun teaching 4 new voice students, have not been to either the naturopath or the chiropractor, decided to go vegan (on my way!), drank too much wine and rum, gained 5 pounds, have not taken my vitamins or herbs and am still not pregnant.
I'm tired. Exhausted really.
Last cycle update indicated I was into the CD60ish range. Its now CD 20. I got CD3 bloodwork taken. I was supposed to go on CD17 for more, but forgot, so I'm going tomorrow instead and just hoping that is ok. My chart indicates I ovulated on CD9 - but that is just based on temperature. I really don't get CM...bad sign, I know. I've also been getting night sweats again. I had that under control for a while....I think I've officially 'fallen off the wagon'. Its all very "peri-menopause-like"...I know.
I'm really hoping that going vegan, on top of getting back on the wagon with herbs and vitamins, etc, will help to restore my body's balance. I know I'm terribly out of balance. All the hormones and toxins in our food supply are just too much for my body to bear, I think. I need to lighten its load...give it a break from battling what SHOULDN'T be in it so it can focus on assimilating what SHOULD be in it!
But, for tonight still, after work I will be coming home to yet another big glass of wine and snuggling up with my cat and a new book.
That's about how much pressure I can take right now.
Sorry for the whiny post. Its about all I have in me today. In a few days I'll post pics of some of the delicious vegan treats I have been making. That will be more fun!
xo
~SCS
Since my last post.... my grandfather has passed away, a dear friend has been woefully, wrongfully accused of a terrible act and is now embroiled in a despicable legal battle - his children, life and freedom on the line, I have been wrapped up in an appeal to receive funding for school, my brother (a recovering addict) has had a slip up, I've rented 2 rooms in our home, got behind on housekeeping and bills, made 3 jars of homemade ketchup, read 3 books, begun teaching 4 new voice students, have not been to either the naturopath or the chiropractor, decided to go vegan (on my way!), drank too much wine and rum, gained 5 pounds, have not taken my vitamins or herbs and am still not pregnant.
I'm tired. Exhausted really.
Last cycle update indicated I was into the CD60ish range. Its now CD 20. I got CD3 bloodwork taken. I was supposed to go on CD17 for more, but forgot, so I'm going tomorrow instead and just hoping that is ok. My chart indicates I ovulated on CD9 - but that is just based on temperature. I really don't get CM...bad sign, I know. I've also been getting night sweats again. I had that under control for a while....I think I've officially 'fallen off the wagon'. Its all very "peri-menopause-like"...I know.
I'm really hoping that going vegan, on top of getting back on the wagon with herbs and vitamins, etc, will help to restore my body's balance. I know I'm terribly out of balance. All the hormones and toxins in our food supply are just too much for my body to bear, I think. I need to lighten its load...give it a break from battling what SHOULDN'T be in it so it can focus on assimilating what SHOULD be in it!
But, for tonight still, after work I will be coming home to yet another big glass of wine and snuggling up with my cat and a new book.
That's about how much pressure I can take right now.
Sorry for the whiny post. Its about all I have in me today. In a few days I'll post pics of some of the delicious vegan treats I have been making. That will be more fun!
xo
~SCS
Saturday, September 3, 2011
SO frustrated - & message to One Perfect Emby
I`ve been offline for a while...lots going on. This is not the time for a catch up post, but I AM reading your posts my friends.
I have been trying to comment on some of your posts & getting this drop down selection below the comment box that says ``comment as`` and then I`m supposed to select from the drop down list. Some of the selections are Google Account, AIM, Open ID and more. I`ve tried all of them and none of them work! I`ve tried Open ID and copying and pasting my blog URL into it, but that doesn`t work! Does anyone know what this is!!! Its driving me bonkers!!!
So, my dear One Perfect Emby, thank you so much for the offer of the book. I would LOVE to send you my email address. I don`t want to post it publicly though - so not sure how to get it to you! Any thoughts or suggestions would be welcomed!
And I promise to write an updated post soon, with pictures of what I have been up to.
Hugs
SCS
I have been trying to comment on some of your posts & getting this drop down selection below the comment box that says ``comment as`` and then I`m supposed to select from the drop down list. Some of the selections are Google Account, AIM, Open ID and more. I`ve tried all of them and none of them work! I`ve tried Open ID and copying and pasting my blog URL into it, but that doesn`t work! Does anyone know what this is!!! Its driving me bonkers!!!
So, my dear One Perfect Emby, thank you so much for the offer of the book. I would LOVE to send you my email address. I don`t want to post it publicly though - so not sure how to get it to you! Any thoughts or suggestions would be welcomed!
And I promise to write an updated post soon, with pictures of what I have been up to.
Hugs
SCS
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