Thursday, July 28, 2011

Just The Facts, Ma'am!

First,  thank you so much to Glass Case of Emotion, One Perfect Emby, and to darling Maddy for your kind comments.  You've helped pull me out of a helpless, self-pitying slump that I would have wollowed in alone for weeks.  I cannot thank you enough.

And as Maddy suggested - its time to get the facts! 

All I know about my IF up to this point is that we've been trying for 18 months now with no success, and that I had a day 13 blood test that showed very high FSH.  I've been charting my BBT for almost a year (sadly, no real distinguishable patterns), but was pretty lax with it at first.  I've begun using Fertility Friend to chart and have actually started taking my temp vaginally just about a week ago, which is actually producing more stable temperatures.  I've been seeing a naturopath for a little over a year now and getting accupuncture, and I have just begun getting Chiropractic treatments.  My diet is about 90% really good and 10% slip ups.  I exercize regularly but not OVERLY intensely.  Physically I am starting to feel the best that I have in my whole life.

So....  my long time family doctor just retired last month.  I have a new family doctor now - a young fellow apparently.  I have booked an appointment in hopes to get a more proactive, supportive reaction.  I'm hoping to develop a relationship where he becomes at least slightly invested in my achieving pregnancy!  Or at least that he will care a teeny tiny bit.  Or perhaps even show some empathy.  Maybe he would even make suggestions, or, I don't know (and this might just be too radical a thought) maybe provide some medical advice???  I know I'm reaching, but here's hoping.

I've booked an appointment.  I see him August 16th.  The receptionist asked whether my husband would be joining me.  I said "I don't think so - my husband is not a patient in the office.  We've been trying to get him in for years, but Dr. Old Guy wouldn't take him on as a patient.".  "Well," she said, "bring your husband along.  Its good for everyone to be on the same page in this.  The doctor will likely want some information from him.  Its also good moral support for you".  (my jaw hit the floor, I think.  I've never had kindness like that from my doctor's office!).  Anyway - we're booked and its on!

I have begun a list of questions and things I want to ask for.  PLEASE if you have any other suggestions let me know.  I want to be THOROUGH in this investigation so that we can really know what we are working with (other than a Yin deficiency!).

So far my list is:
  • Requisition for blood tests covering all possible hormones/deficiencies linked to conception troubles.  (I will go get the blood drawn on day 3 of my cycle, in order to get an accurate FSH)
  • AMH Blood test for Ovarian Reserve
  • Ultrasound for Ovarian Reserve & possible cysts 
  • Check Fallopian Tubes - not just the fluid but actually looking to ensure they are clear
Again, PLEASE let me know if you think there is anything more I should be asking about.

I have to thank the other blogs that I have been reading or I wouldn't even know about these things, really.  I still don't really know what some of these things are/how they work in the grand scheme of conception.  I just know that its time for me to start expecting that those I'm going to for help with this ACTUALLY do thier jobs and actively help me!

On another note....I've booked an appointment with an admissions officer at a Post Secondary school locally.  I've been doing a lot of soul searching about 'the rest of my life'.  I want to be a Mom more than anything....but I also want to be fulfilled in what I do in life.  The program I'm looking into is 2 years - full time.  Its an intense program.  I would not be able to work - so basically Hubby and I would not be able to afford to live.  Not sure how that is going to work out...   But if we can work out the financial side of things (not even opposed to borrowing - which other than our mortgage we have never done), then on the other side of school would be a far greater income than I can generate right now - and let me tell you, a hell of a lot more satisfaction as well.  We would be able to be back on track within a year or so. 

I know - is this the right time to go back to school?  I'm supposed to stay stress free in order to get pregnant.  And what if I were to get pregnant in the middle of all of this?  Well, it would be a challenge to work through.  But wouldn't that just mean that I'd be getting EVERYTHING I wanted?  I'll be 38 when the program starts.  I'll be 40 when I graduate (if I enroll).  I don't want to wait another year just in case I get pregnant.  I've been waiting for things to happen to me ALL MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!  I've got to make things happen. 

Before its too late.

Friday, July 22, 2011

TWW = Two Week WTF?!, and Be Careful What You Wish For

So, you thought I had dropped off the face of the Earth.  Well, almost.  I was pretending to be a post-woman for a little over a week.  Really.  Covering for someone who has a rural route (they are responsible for finding and training their own coverage for their vacations).  So 12 hour days (mail volumes huge as we've just come off a mail strike), physical pain, bruises, and a $1200 car repair later, I've resurfaced.  I've decided I don't want to be a post-woman when I grow up.

Lets see...last post I wondered if perhaps I was experiencing Ovulation signs.  I'm not so sure now - in fact, I'm pretty sure that's a no.

I spotted that day (CD13), then took a couple of days off before beginning another marathon spotting event that lasted from CD 16 to 23.  In case you are trying to count that's 8 days of spotting.  Dark & brownish and just enough for a pantyliner to handle daily.  My BBT chart on FF looks like 3 year old's drawing of a mountain range and I'm exuding a lot of heat from about 4 or 5 am to about 7 (not heat wave related.  With the amount of heat I'm emitting I could actually be the source of this supposed 'heat dome' hovering over the continent.  Sorry y'all.).

So, I'm now on CD 29 & feel no real need to take an HPT.  I know I'm not pregnant.  I don't think I can get pregnant.  I can't believe I've robbed myself of this by waiting so long.  Its such a helpless, hopeless feeling.

Also, I'm in this emotional crisis where I am examining my life and not knowing what the hell to do with myself & my life.

I'm 37 years old.  I'm a smart person, reasonably.  I'm attractive, reasonably.  I'm in decent shape, reasonably.  I have many skills and interests that I'm reasonably good at.  I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  The problem with that is that I'm WELL beyond grown up and my body smugly reminds me of this daily when I wake up and remember that I'm not a Mom and won't be because I'm too old and shrivelled to be.

My husband is an amazingly talented artist and in the past year has built up a business around that that is starting to bring in an ok income.  He's on the track of his passion and its working out wonderfully and I am SO proud of him and happy for him.

Me, on the other hand....  well, some background first...

I never went to university, but instead moved out west and did the 'finding myself' thing which basically meant I floated for a year and a half.  When I came back I got a quick job in a factory, which led to a job in their offices, where I developed some skills for about 3 years.  Then I got a job with a big company in their call centre.  I spent 10 years with that company and went from customer service rep to manager of the department.  I left 4 years ago for 2 reasons:  1) I didn't want to 'grow' any further - the pressure of my job was enough.  My leadership wanted me to keep climbing and there was a lot of pressure there and I became very unhappy. 2) I met my now-husband through music circles.  Both of us being independent singer-songwriters, we formed a duo and decided that if we were ever going to take time off to record a CD, tour & do the whole musician thing, we'd better get on it, because we were "getting older".  I was 33.  God I wish I was 33 again.

So I quit the big corporation, got a part time, flexible job in a small construction office, and 'followed my dream' - sort of.  I enjoy music.  Its part of me.  I just do it.  I'm not really all that passionate about it.  The closest I get to passionate about it is when I'm singing.  It doesn't matter if I'm singing my own stuff or a cover of "Natural Woman" or "Black Velvet" - I really love that moment of just singing.  But I wouldn't say it's my 'dream'.  Now the small company is slowing down as the owner prepares for retirement, my husband has decided to fly solo & be self employed, and I need to earn some money, have benefits and hopefully some sort of pension (or at least make enough money to put $ away for retirement).  I DON'T want to go back to a large corporation.  I'd like to actually enjoy what I do and feel value in what I'm doing.

So that's the career side of things.  Tangled up in all of this were 2 miscarriages (2004 with my ex), a divorce, and basically resigning myself that I would be alone and childless for the rest of my life (as is customary for old maids of 32 who choose to end their marriages).  Then I met the hero of my world and man of my dreams.  We decided to follow our artistic spirits and in doing so, made the conscious decision not to have children.  At the time, we thought our choices were "normal" life with corporate 9-5 jobs and the house in the suburbs & kids, OR follow the music muse.  After many tears and late nights and back and forth discussions we decided that neither of our spirits would be satisfied if we didn't get out there and TRY IT when it came to the music.

So there you go.  I CHOSE not to have babies when I could.  I'm getting what I asked for.  What I deserve.

I even wrote a song about my choice which I have never been able to get through without crying - and still can't to this day.

I may never see your face
I may never know your soft embrace
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be

You may never greet the dawn
You may never know your home
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be

I can't forget, I might regret
Turning you away
But time keeps rolling past, some chances they don't last
So I'll cry a tear every day.....every day

You may never see the light
I may never get it right
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be

I'm getting what I asked for, I guess.  Its all my fault.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Ovulation Signs?

I'm not sure whether to be excited or not.  Here is the checklist of what my body has been doing the last few days...

  • I'm on CD13
  • CM - last couple days its been ok.  Not GREAT.  No EWCM as of yet.  But at least there was some which is more than I can say for the last year or so.
  • A teeny tiny bit of pink spotting today.  I looked that up & it says it can be a sign of ovulation.
  • Last 24 hours or so very mild lower abdominal cramping.
  • No temperature spike in BBT.
  • Very 'on the verge of weepy' the last couple of days.  I've welled up at just about every news report I've heard/seen.
What do you think?  Is there a chance I could actually be ovulating, or am I getting my hopes up without enough evidence?

Oh - and also, should I stop working out if I am ovulating??

~SCS

Monday, July 4, 2011

Time to just not think about it

There really is nothing like it.  I highly recommend it.  If you can manage it.

Sadly - its one of those things...you TRY not to think about it...you just think about it more.

I had a wonderful weekend away with hubby in our nearby metropolitan area.  It was glorious.  We stayed with friends, we ate great food, we saw a ball game & toured a beautiful old district of the city which was reopened a few years ago and now is full of galleries and artisans and a WONDERFUL chocolate shop.  I had their specialty - an intense drink of spicy hot chocolate, thick and rich and sexy.  I also sampled some of their house made gelato...blueberry basil (yes...it was brilliant!), and lemon sour cream (bliss!).  We also went to the 'cool' shopping strip and I got some nice bath things (normally I make my own as I have such sensitive skin that I react to most commercial cosmetics - but this place uses all natural stuff - the same bases that I use really - but they do it SUPER PRETTY!), a beautiful turqoise pendant that I can't stop admiring, and PINK CONVERSE ALL STAR HI-TOPS for my 3 year old neice!  Oh, she is going to LOVE them!

It was so incredibly restorative.  Just what my soul needed.  Now I'm back home and rockin' the program with a positive attitude.

I haven't really had much CM in the last year or so....but the last couple of days I have had a wee bit.  Its CD 11 right now.  So based on what I've read thats a pretty good sign.  I guess I have to watch for EWCM in the coming days & that would be a good indicator that I might actually ovulate this cycle!  Wouldn't THAT be something!  I truly hope that is the only thing that is preventing us from achieving pregnancy.  Hubby's swimmers are good and I have been pregnant before - 2 miscarriages, 7 years ago.  My period came back after being gone for months.  Maybe my ovulation can come back too!

I really hope that I can stay in this positive place for the next few months.  My body seems to be responding well to it!  My mantra for the next several days:

"My body is preparing for pregnancy.  It is about to release a strong, healthy egg which will become fertilized, implant in a healthy uterine lining and settle itself in for a 9 month stay!"
(keep repeating until it happens)