I think I'm driving my poor husband crazy.
He is absolutely the most patient man I've ever known. He is a saint to put up with me. Seriously.
I have been insufferable in the last few weeks. I'd have tossed me out on my butt 2 weeks ago.
I have been whiny, wimpy, dreary, sucky, impatient, ornery, short tempered, barfy, teary & completely lazy.
And yet he smiles and holds me and strokes my hair and rubs my neck and tells me it'll be OK and he wishes he could take this sick feeling away from me.
And then I turn into a puddle and feel like a big jerk and tell him that I promise to make him all of his favorite suppers when I can stand smells in the house again, and that soon I will feel better & we will be able to be intimate again. Right now, I just can't....and I miss him.
I don't want to blog about how terrible I feel right now - so I haven't been blogging, because that's pretty much how I feel. Please don't get me wrong - I wouldn't trade this for the world and if I have to deal with it for the whole pregnancy in order to have a healthy baby, then I will! But its difficult nonetheless, and I really do hope it will be over soon so that I can get back to being myself again.
I start school next week. I have my orientation this Wednesday. I think that will help to make the time go quicker over the next couple of weeks. Most of what I have read indicates that the illness should go away about week 12 - so I'm counting down to that. That's also when we will get to go more public and tell the rest of our friends and family our wonderful news....so we are very excited to reach that milestone.
We lost a very, very close friend of the family last week tragically, so its been a difficult time on that end as well. It seems that target is still on our backs, somehow. 14 months of death have afflicted our family. More than anything I pray that this is the end of that, and that now LIFE will share its joy with us for a while.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Full Disclosure
The cat is out of the bag! The family is 'in the know'! And they are overjoyed!
We got up to the cottage fairly late on Friday evening. We had first gone to watch my 3 year old niece at her karate lesson (TOO CUTE!!!) and hit the road north right after that. The weather was miserable. Incredible winds and pelting rain made for a slow drive.
When we arrived I was feeling less than great from the drive and the nausea. We unpacked the van with my mother and sister who were already there and settled in. Mom said that my brother had called and they decided to stay in town and come up in the morning because the weather was so bad and the kids were sleepy. I put on some cozy clothes, got myself a small dish of almonds to nibble on (mom had a spread of shrimp ring and brie and other goodies out...) and a glass of water. I just started to sit down and my sister pipes up "what's with the water?!" (normally by this time I'd have poured myself a nice glass of red). So, hubby and I stand up and say...."Well....."
And the looks on their faces were priceless! My sister kept saying "no!" "no!" "Seriously?!". I think it took a second for it to sink in for my mom because she just looked stunned. They both barreled into the living room from the kitchen (open concept) to give me a huge hug! Then on to hubby, of course. We explained that it was early, but we knew that should anything happen we would need their support. We explained that we just wanted to keep it in the immediate family for now, and that it was too bad that Bro & SIL were not here to tell as well, but we'd have to wait till tomorrow.
Mom said that my Uncle, Aunt & cousins were all coming up tomorrow morning too and there was no way we could keep it from them as well. SIGH!!! Ah well. We are all very very close so they are like immediate family too.... so we agreed to letting them know too.
The next day the news was equally well received by the rest of the family. It was really wonderful to be able to talk to my mom, aunt & SIL about their experiences in pregnancy and share some of my feelings and fears. I also explained that we'd been trying for 2 years & had struggled. Everyone was very supportive. I'm lucky to have such a loving family.
The morning sickness has been very strange the last few days. I have very intense periods and then periods where its pretty mild and almost not there. Its certainly much better than the constant medium-high nausea I was experiencing last week. Its still very uncomfortable but its much more bearable. I even ate some stuffing and some sweet potatoes, and Sunday morning had a wee bit of my aunt's famous egg dish casserole. It all went down surprisingly well. Overall I've lost 2 lbs in 2 weeks, but I think I'm doing OK. If things stay like this I think I can make it through to 12-14 weeks when everyone says this feeling will disappear. I'm officially 7 weeks - though my naturopath thinks I might be closer to 8. There is no way to tell 100% unless/until I get a dating ultrasound, because of my erratic cycles. We go for my first midwife appointment on Thursday where I expect we will get a whole whack of information!
So, it was a wonderful weekend and I was so happy to be able to make my mom so very, very happy!
We got up to the cottage fairly late on Friday evening. We had first gone to watch my 3 year old niece at her karate lesson (TOO CUTE!!!) and hit the road north right after that. The weather was miserable. Incredible winds and pelting rain made for a slow drive.
When we arrived I was feeling less than great from the drive and the nausea. We unpacked the van with my mother and sister who were already there and settled in. Mom said that my brother had called and they decided to stay in town and come up in the morning because the weather was so bad and the kids were sleepy. I put on some cozy clothes, got myself a small dish of almonds to nibble on (mom had a spread of shrimp ring and brie and other goodies out...) and a glass of water. I just started to sit down and my sister pipes up "what's with the water?!" (normally by this time I'd have poured myself a nice glass of red). So, hubby and I stand up and say...."Well....."
And the looks on their faces were priceless! My sister kept saying "no!" "no!" "Seriously?!". I think it took a second for it to sink in for my mom because she just looked stunned. They both barreled into the living room from the kitchen (open concept) to give me a huge hug! Then on to hubby, of course. We explained that it was early, but we knew that should anything happen we would need their support. We explained that we just wanted to keep it in the immediate family for now, and that it was too bad that Bro & SIL were not here to tell as well, but we'd have to wait till tomorrow.
Mom said that my Uncle, Aunt & cousins were all coming up tomorrow morning too and there was no way we could keep it from them as well. SIGH!!! Ah well. We are all very very close so they are like immediate family too.... so we agreed to letting them know too.
The next day the news was equally well received by the rest of the family. It was really wonderful to be able to talk to my mom, aunt & SIL about their experiences in pregnancy and share some of my feelings and fears. I also explained that we'd been trying for 2 years & had struggled. Everyone was very supportive. I'm lucky to have such a loving family.
The morning sickness has been very strange the last few days. I have very intense periods and then periods where its pretty mild and almost not there. Its certainly much better than the constant medium-high nausea I was experiencing last week. Its still very uncomfortable but its much more bearable. I even ate some stuffing and some sweet potatoes, and Sunday morning had a wee bit of my aunt's famous egg dish casserole. It all went down surprisingly well. Overall I've lost 2 lbs in 2 weeks, but I think I'm doing OK. If things stay like this I think I can make it through to 12-14 weeks when everyone says this feeling will disappear. I'm officially 7 weeks - though my naturopath thinks I might be closer to 8. There is no way to tell 100% unless/until I get a dating ultrasound, because of my erratic cycles. We go for my first midwife appointment on Thursday where I expect we will get a whole whack of information!
So, it was a wonderful weekend and I was so happy to be able to make my mom so very, very happy!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Letting the cat out of the bag
We've decided to tell my family this weekend that we are expecting.
Hubby and I talked about how challenging its going to be to keep it from them this weekend and then we thought "why don't we want them to know"?
If something happens (knock on wood its NOT going to!) then we will want my family (Mom, Sister, Brother & Sister in Law) to be there to support us. We would tell them then, so why not tell them now, so that I don't have to suffer all weekend with smells and avoiding smoke and not eating 'normal' food and trying to appear normal when I feel horrible and trying to force myself to stay awake when I need a nap, etc etc etc...
My mother and sister know about our IF struggles for the past 2 years - we told them both about 7 months ago. My brother & sister in law don't just simply because we didn't want to tell them while they were expecting my nephew. We didn't want them feeling guilty or badly around us. Now that baby Liam is here and all is well, we can let them know we were struggling, but now seem to have somehow aligned the stars to make it happen!
I will feel so much better to be able to be open with them all. I can talk freely and don't have to avoid things.
Hubby feels no need to do the same with his family (I said we could tell them if he wanted). He is not close to them - he is closer with my family. He said that heaven forbid if something happens he wouldn't want them to know & have to deal with them - so we will wait till 14 weeks to tell them. They live about an hour away anyway and we only see them every few weeks, so it shouldn't be hard to 'hide' it from them.
I can't wait for my family's reaction! It will be nice to give my mom some more good news for a change!
Hubby and I talked about how challenging its going to be to keep it from them this weekend and then we thought "why don't we want them to know"?
If something happens (knock on wood its NOT going to!) then we will want my family (Mom, Sister, Brother & Sister in Law) to be there to support us. We would tell them then, so why not tell them now, so that I don't have to suffer all weekend with smells and avoiding smoke and not eating 'normal' food and trying to appear normal when I feel horrible and trying to force myself to stay awake when I need a nap, etc etc etc...
My mother and sister know about our IF struggles for the past 2 years - we told them both about 7 months ago. My brother & sister in law don't just simply because we didn't want to tell them while they were expecting my nephew. We didn't want them feeling guilty or badly around us. Now that baby Liam is here and all is well, we can let them know we were struggling, but now seem to have somehow aligned the stars to make it happen!
I will feel so much better to be able to be open with them all. I can talk freely and don't have to avoid things.
Hubby feels no need to do the same with his family (I said we could tell them if he wanted). He is not close to them - he is closer with my family. He said that heaven forbid if something happens he wouldn't want them to know & have to deal with them - so we will wait till 14 weeks to tell them. They live about an hour away anyway and we only see them every few weeks, so it shouldn't be hard to 'hide' it from them.
I can't wait for my family's reaction! It will be nice to give my mom some more good news for a change!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
6 weeks - Nauseously Elated!
First I would like to thank you all so very, very much for your kind words and support. We are not telling anyone our good news yet, so its nice to be able to share it with all of you!
Second I would like to apologise for not posting for over a week. I've been reading and commenting here & there...but I just haven't had a post in me.
So here I am, ready to post!
I'm feeling a bit better today. The morning sickness has been very difficult - and more like 'all day' sickness. I've struggled to find the right things to eat and the right amounts to minimize the constant queaziness. It seems carbs are the way to go for me. And PLAIN. Absolutely NO butter, salt, cheese, sauces, etc. Actually this morning I had a bagel with a wee bit of cream cheese and that went down ok. Toast and peanut butter is a standby. Other than that - plain, cold noodles. Yum, right?! Well...thats the best I can do, it seems. I've gotten some of those 'boost' meal replacement shakes and am able to sip on those a bit. Water is tough to get down, but I do small sips pretty constantly so at least I'm staying relatively hydrated.
And the vegan thing....DONE. I'm eating what I can, when I can, as there is so much I can't handle right now.
I'm not vomiting, although I feel I could at just about any moment. Especially if I smell anything strong. Coffee smell is particularily bad. Hubby had some jube jubes the other day and the smell of the lemon ones drifting across the room to me was amazingly soothing. Makes me want to buy him a big jar of lemon jube jubes and make him breathe on me.
This has been the main focus of the last week. Its sort of all consuming. I go to see my naturopath tonight and I hope she can help me relieve this a bit. But still......I'll take it! I'll take it for 40 weeks if I have to! (but pleasepleaseplease don't make me have to!!)
Hubby and I are, of course, overjoyed. I think we are still a little stunned. Hubby is tentative...he doesn't want to get too excited until we are further along. I just don't want to even think about that...
We are talking about names, and boy vs. girl, and telling our families, and decorating the nursery....all wonderful conversations we didn't think we would get to have.
The BFP has been confirmed 3x. Twice by HPT and once through a urinalisis at the lab from my MD. And even if we had gotten a negative in any of those I would have protested wildly - the way I feel, I KNOW I am pregnant! I don't need a test to prove it at this point! We have an appointment with a Midwife next week and I'm looking very forward to that.
This coming weekend we are going to my mom's cottage for Thanksgiving with our family. Yes, I know, Canadian Thanksgiving was this past weekend, but we can all only get together the week after because of all the other commitments. So I have to get through the weekend without anyone guessing. Now there are certian things that could be my undoing in this endeavor.
1) I won't be drinking wine. My brother and sister will be all over me for that. So...hubby found a dealcoholized wine that I can sip on a bit through dinner just to get them over it.
2) The smells in the cottage will bother me...and usually I am in the thick of the kitchen prep.
3) I'm tired all the time.
4) My mom, brother and sister all smoke. Now, they just smoke outside, but still, its hard to stay away from, and I will be avoiding it rather suspiciously.
So, if we get through this weekend without questions it will be a miracle!
Something else that has been bugging me, though... According to Fertility Friend it appears that we concieved September 13th. I had a transvaginal ultrasound on the 20th and a Sonohysterogram on the 21st. Wouldn't the transvaginal have identified something? Wouldn't the Sono have 'dislodged' stuff or flushed it through?? The doctor during the sono kept saying 'whats that?' 'that there?' 'can we look at that closer?' to the technician and in the end told me there was a polyp but nothing he was concerned about & my family doctor would discuss that with me. Was that my baby??
I hope none of that could have hurt anything...
I cannot wait for whenever the first scan happens....for whenever I get to hear the heartbeat. I just want to know my baby is growing and is healthy. I just can't wait for that time.
Second I would like to apologise for not posting for over a week. I've been reading and commenting here & there...but I just haven't had a post in me.
So here I am, ready to post!
I'm feeling a bit better today. The morning sickness has been very difficult - and more like 'all day' sickness. I've struggled to find the right things to eat and the right amounts to minimize the constant queaziness. It seems carbs are the way to go for me. And PLAIN. Absolutely NO butter, salt, cheese, sauces, etc. Actually this morning I had a bagel with a wee bit of cream cheese and that went down ok. Toast and peanut butter is a standby. Other than that - plain, cold noodles. Yum, right?! Well...thats the best I can do, it seems. I've gotten some of those 'boost' meal replacement shakes and am able to sip on those a bit. Water is tough to get down, but I do small sips pretty constantly so at least I'm staying relatively hydrated.
And the vegan thing....DONE. I'm eating what I can, when I can, as there is so much I can't handle right now.
I'm not vomiting, although I feel I could at just about any moment. Especially if I smell anything strong. Coffee smell is particularily bad. Hubby had some jube jubes the other day and the smell of the lemon ones drifting across the room to me was amazingly soothing. Makes me want to buy him a big jar of lemon jube jubes and make him breathe on me.
This has been the main focus of the last week. Its sort of all consuming. I go to see my naturopath tonight and I hope she can help me relieve this a bit. But still......I'll take it! I'll take it for 40 weeks if I have to! (but pleasepleaseplease don't make me have to!!)
Hubby and I are, of course, overjoyed. I think we are still a little stunned. Hubby is tentative...he doesn't want to get too excited until we are further along. I just don't want to even think about that...
We are talking about names, and boy vs. girl, and telling our families, and decorating the nursery....all wonderful conversations we didn't think we would get to have.
The BFP has been confirmed 3x. Twice by HPT and once through a urinalisis at the lab from my MD. And even if we had gotten a negative in any of those I would have protested wildly - the way I feel, I KNOW I am pregnant! I don't need a test to prove it at this point! We have an appointment with a Midwife next week and I'm looking very forward to that.
This coming weekend we are going to my mom's cottage for Thanksgiving with our family. Yes, I know, Canadian Thanksgiving was this past weekend, but we can all only get together the week after because of all the other commitments. So I have to get through the weekend without anyone guessing. Now there are certian things that could be my undoing in this endeavor.
1) I won't be drinking wine. My brother and sister will be all over me for that. So...hubby found a dealcoholized wine that I can sip on a bit through dinner just to get them over it.
2) The smells in the cottage will bother me...and usually I am in the thick of the kitchen prep.
3) I'm tired all the time.
4) My mom, brother and sister all smoke. Now, they just smoke outside, but still, its hard to stay away from, and I will be avoiding it rather suspiciously.
So, if we get through this weekend without questions it will be a miracle!
Something else that has been bugging me, though... According to Fertility Friend it appears that we concieved September 13th. I had a transvaginal ultrasound on the 20th and a Sonohysterogram on the 21st. Wouldn't the transvaginal have identified something? Wouldn't the Sono have 'dislodged' stuff or flushed it through?? The doctor during the sono kept saying 'whats that?' 'that there?' 'can we look at that closer?' to the technician and in the end told me there was a polyp but nothing he was concerned about & my family doctor would discuss that with me. Was that my baby??
I hope none of that could have hurt anything...
I cannot wait for whenever the first scan happens....for whenever I get to hear the heartbeat. I just want to know my baby is growing and is healthy. I just can't wait for that time.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Happy Birthday To Me
A very happy and surprising birthday, indeed.
I got the best present I could have ever asked for.
A BFP.
I have not been feeling well lately. For the past week or so. Just feeling a bit off, and nauseous. Hubby had been a bit under the weather too, so I just figured that I got a bug from him. And I've been exceptionally tired....sleeping much more than usual. Last night I thought...well, its CD 39 tomorrow, and its my birthday. I want to have some wine with dinner, so I better POAS just in case.
I hadn't thought of POAS before....I never really associate AF being late with a possible BFP anymore...just because of so many long cycles and so many BFNs.
I didn't expect this.
I'm indescribably happy.
And nauseous.
I can't thank all of you enough for your support.
One Perfect Emby.....in a few weeks time hopefully I will be passing that baby dust along myself to someone else! I haven't even received the book in the mail yet!!! That's one powerful book!!! Thank you, my dear!
Becca....you are so sweet. I love to read all about your family of 5...thank you for your ongoing support.
And Maddy. I can't say enough. There are not words.
Love to you all. And thank you so much. Now I need your 'stickiest' thoughts!
Hugs
~SCS
I got the best present I could have ever asked for.
A BFP.
I have not been feeling well lately. For the past week or so. Just feeling a bit off, and nauseous. Hubby had been a bit under the weather too, so I just figured that I got a bug from him. And I've been exceptionally tired....sleeping much more than usual. Last night I thought...well, its CD 39 tomorrow, and its my birthday. I want to have some wine with dinner, so I better POAS just in case.
I hadn't thought of POAS before....I never really associate AF being late with a possible BFP anymore...just because of so many long cycles and so many BFNs.
I didn't expect this.
I'm indescribably happy.
And nauseous.
I can't thank all of you enough for your support.
One Perfect Emby.....in a few weeks time hopefully I will be passing that baby dust along myself to someone else! I haven't even received the book in the mail yet!!! That's one powerful book!!! Thank you, my dear!
Becca....you are so sweet. I love to read all about your family of 5...thank you for your ongoing support.
And Maddy. I can't say enough. There are not words.
Love to you all. And thank you so much. Now I need your 'stickiest' thoughts!
Hugs
~SCS
Monday, October 3, 2011
Blood Work & Ultrasound Results & Update on Sister In Law
I just got a call from my Md's office. It was prompted by an inquiry from me last week as I had not heard from them. I had asked when my call was coming with the results of the blood work and ultrasounds I'd had. The receptionist seemed surprised that I had been expecting a call. UGH! Some things never change, I guess.
In the call this morning, the receptionist said "the doctor says the blood work is hard to interpret without knowing where you were in your cycle." and that "the sonohysterogram shows that only one tube is open so that would explain having longer cycles or skipping cycles. OK?".
Umm....OK? It appears that was where she was wanting to end the conversation. Ummm....No, actually. NOT OK!
I said that I went for the blood work on the days he prescribed. Day 3, and then guesstimated at mid-cycle as its hard to tell with me. I went on CD 21...which Fertility Friend is actually saying it thinks that is the day I ovulated. Now, I have not got AF yet. Today is CD 38.
She said maybe I ought to come in for an appointment. Yes. That's better.
In the meantime I asked her to fax me the results of the blood work. So here goes....
CD3:
FSH - 9
Progesterone - **deleted by lab**
Estradiol 17 beta - **deleted by lab**
LH - **deleted by lab**
Ferritin (as I'm chronically borderline anaemic) - 28 (low range - but within target)
WTF is with the deleted by lab stuff??? Even if the Req didn't ask for these results on Day 3 WHY on EARTH would they not be included??? It just confirms for me more and more that they look at this stuff SO PIECEMEAL as opposed to as a whole. Wouldn't these measurements help fill in the gaps in the picture??? I just don't get it!!!
Aside from that - FSH 9??!!!! That's good right?? Really Really good! I think in the last blood work it showed my FSH at 26 or something. I'll have to go back and look.
CD 21
FSH - 4 (!!!!!!!)
LH - 2
Estradiol - 278
Progesterone - 65
I'm not sure how to interpret these results. I think the LH is low if I was truly at mid-cycle - and I dont' know what that means. The other #'s look good whether I was mid-cycle or luteal at the time of the draw.
Bottom line though - these are NOT peri-menopausal or menopausal numbers....right?? I think that's how to read them.
Any thoughts, anyone??? Please????!
Also, one tube isn't working. OK. What does that MEAN? Can it be fixed? What do we do NOW? I can't understand how the doctors office just calls and says - "there you go. that's that. bye bye.". Ummm....NO! You know we want to have a child, right?! So...now that you know some of the obstacles, aren't you supposed to HELP US with this?!?!!? Its infuriating!
I don't think I like Dr. Cutie as much as I thought at first.
As for my sister in law, thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. She is home and doing well. The doctors, based on her history, were extremely careful and perhaps overzealous - but we are glad for that. Turns out it was mastitis...an infection in her breast. Through anti-biotics she is much better, but sadly unable to breast feed as one breast simply won't work. But at least she is healthy and so is baby Liam and everyone is happy to have her home!
In the call this morning, the receptionist said "the doctor says the blood work is hard to interpret without knowing where you were in your cycle." and that "the sonohysterogram shows that only one tube is open so that would explain having longer cycles or skipping cycles. OK?".
Umm....OK? It appears that was where she was wanting to end the conversation. Ummm....No, actually. NOT OK!
I said that I went for the blood work on the days he prescribed. Day 3, and then guesstimated at mid-cycle as its hard to tell with me. I went on CD 21...which Fertility Friend is actually saying it thinks that is the day I ovulated. Now, I have not got AF yet. Today is CD 38.
She said maybe I ought to come in for an appointment. Yes. That's better.
In the meantime I asked her to fax me the results of the blood work. So here goes....
CD3:
FSH - 9
Progesterone - **deleted by lab**
Estradiol 17 beta - **deleted by lab**
LH - **deleted by lab**
Ferritin (as I'm chronically borderline anaemic) - 28 (low range - but within target)
WTF is with the deleted by lab stuff??? Even if the Req didn't ask for these results on Day 3 WHY on EARTH would they not be included??? It just confirms for me more and more that they look at this stuff SO PIECEMEAL as opposed to as a whole. Wouldn't these measurements help fill in the gaps in the picture??? I just don't get it!!!
Aside from that - FSH 9??!!!! That's good right?? Really Really good! I think in the last blood work it showed my FSH at 26 or something. I'll have to go back and look.
CD 21
FSH - 4 (!!!!!!!)
LH - 2
Estradiol - 278
Progesterone - 65
I'm not sure how to interpret these results. I think the LH is low if I was truly at mid-cycle - and I dont' know what that means. The other #'s look good whether I was mid-cycle or luteal at the time of the draw.
Bottom line though - these are NOT peri-menopausal or menopausal numbers....right?? I think that's how to read them.
Any thoughts, anyone??? Please????!
Also, one tube isn't working. OK. What does that MEAN? Can it be fixed? What do we do NOW? I can't understand how the doctors office just calls and says - "there you go. that's that. bye bye.". Ummm....NO! You know we want to have a child, right?! So...now that you know some of the obstacles, aren't you supposed to HELP US with this?!?!!? Its infuriating!
I don't think I like Dr. Cutie as much as I thought at first.
As for my sister in law, thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. She is home and doing well. The doctors, based on her history, were extremely careful and perhaps overzealous - but we are glad for that. Turns out it was mastitis...an infection in her breast. Through anti-biotics she is much better, but sadly unable to breast feed as one breast simply won't work. But at least she is healthy and so is baby Liam and everyone is happy to have her home!
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