TWW = Two Week WTF?!, and Be Careful What You Wish For

So, you thought I had dropped off the face of the Earth.  Well, almost.  I was pretending to be a post-woman for a little over a week.  Really.  Covering for someone who has a rural route (they are responsible for finding and training their own coverage for their vacations).  So 12 hour days (mail volumes huge as we've just come off a mail strike), physical pain, bruises, and a $1200 car repair later, I've resurfaced.  I've decided I don't want to be a post-woman when I grow up.

Lets see...last post I wondered if perhaps I was experiencing Ovulation signs.  I'm not so sure now - in fact, I'm pretty sure that's a no.

I spotted that day (CD13), then took a couple of days off before beginning another marathon spotting event that lasted from CD 16 to 23.  In case you are trying to count that's 8 days of spotting.  Dark & brownish and just enough for a pantyliner to handle daily.  My BBT chart on FF looks like 3 year old's drawing of a mountain range and I'm exuding a lot of heat from about 4 or 5 am to about 7 (not heat wave related.  With the amount of heat I'm emitting I could actually be the source of this supposed 'heat dome' hovering over the continent.  Sorry y'all.).

So, I'm now on CD 29 & feel no real need to take an HPT.  I know I'm not pregnant.  I don't think I can get pregnant.  I can't believe I've robbed myself of this by waiting so long.  Its such a helpless, hopeless feeling.

Also, I'm in this emotional crisis where I am examining my life and not knowing what the hell to do with myself & my life.

I'm 37 years old.  I'm a smart person, reasonably.  I'm attractive, reasonably.  I'm in decent shape, reasonably.  I have many skills and interests that I'm reasonably good at.  I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  The problem with that is that I'm WELL beyond grown up and my body smugly reminds me of this daily when I wake up and remember that I'm not a Mom and won't be because I'm too old and shrivelled to be.

My husband is an amazingly talented artist and in the past year has built up a business around that that is starting to bring in an ok income.  He's on the track of his passion and its working out wonderfully and I am SO proud of him and happy for him.

Me, on the other hand....  well, some background first...

I never went to university, but instead moved out west and did the 'finding myself' thing which basically meant I floated for a year and a half.  When I came back I got a quick job in a factory, which led to a job in their offices, where I developed some skills for about 3 years.  Then I got a job with a big company in their call centre.  I spent 10 years with that company and went from customer service rep to manager of the department.  I left 4 years ago for 2 reasons:  1) I didn't want to 'grow' any further - the pressure of my job was enough.  My leadership wanted me to keep climbing and there was a lot of pressure there and I became very unhappy. 2) I met my now-husband through music circles.  Both of us being independent singer-songwriters, we formed a duo and decided that if we were ever going to take time off to record a CD, tour & do the whole musician thing, we'd better get on it, because we were "getting older".  I was 33.  God I wish I was 33 again.

So I quit the big corporation, got a part time, flexible job in a small construction office, and 'followed my dream' - sort of.  I enjoy music.  Its part of me.  I just do it.  I'm not really all that passionate about it.  The closest I get to passionate about it is when I'm singing.  It doesn't matter if I'm singing my own stuff or a cover of "Natural Woman" or "Black Velvet" - I really love that moment of just singing.  But I wouldn't say it's my 'dream'.  Now the small company is slowing down as the owner prepares for retirement, my husband has decided to fly solo & be self employed, and I need to earn some money, have benefits and hopefully some sort of pension (or at least make enough money to put $ away for retirement).  I DON'T want to go back to a large corporation.  I'd like to actually enjoy what I do and feel value in what I'm doing.

So that's the career side of things.  Tangled up in all of this were 2 miscarriages (2004 with my ex), a divorce, and basically resigning myself that I would be alone and childless for the rest of my life (as is customary for old maids of 32 who choose to end their marriages).  Then I met the hero of my world and man of my dreams.  We decided to follow our artistic spirits and in doing so, made the conscious decision not to have children.  At the time, we thought our choices were "normal" life with corporate 9-5 jobs and the house in the suburbs & kids, OR follow the music muse.  After many tears and late nights and back and forth discussions we decided that neither of our spirits would be satisfied if we didn't get out there and TRY IT when it came to the music.

So there you go.  I CHOSE not to have babies when I could.  I'm getting what I asked for.  What I deserve.

I even wrote a song about my choice which I have never been able to get through without crying - and still can't to this day.

I may never see your face
I may never know your soft embrace
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be

You may never greet the dawn
You may never know your home
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be

I can't forget, I might regret
Turning you away
But time keeps rolling past, some chances they don't last
So I'll cry a tear every day.....every day

You may never see the light
I may never get it right
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be

I'm getting what I asked for, I guess.  Its all my fault.