The past 13 months have been pretty much hell. In fact, things started getting crappy before that even, but the REAL fun started in August of last year when my Step-Father passed away. From that point on the following has happened...
My Grandmother (who I was EXTREMELY close with) got very sick, very quickly (about a month and a half after my dad passed) and we watched her slip away at home for two weeks before she passed on. My great-uncle passed. My Oma began to deteriorate faster & ended up hospitalized for a while - she is now ok, but still declining at 89 years old. My Uncle passed suddenly from a massive heart attack. My step-mother's nephew took his own life. My Grandfather passed. I have not included the losses on my husband's side, or included the stress/grief of handling our own infertility issues, or the stress of worrying about my mother, sister & brother (half sis & bro), none of whom really handle or deal with things - so they are not holding up all that well with all of this.
Now, yesterday, my step-mother's brother passed suddenly, again from a massive heart attack. Today, her sister (who's house he was at when this happened, and who is the mother of the nephew who took his own life) has been rushed to the hospital. We don't yet know what is happening but it looks like maybe a stroke.
2 years ago, I knew I was lucky. That no real grief or harm or loss had touched me (with the exception of my miscarriages - but that was pretty private). Now, I feel like a target. I feel like I've got a big ol' bull's eye sitting right over my heart and the world is loading its quiver trying to get as many shots in as it can before it gets me for good.
None of this is just about me, I know. It deeply affects my family and people I love - but when you count up the 'associations' in all of this...I'm the central figure.
On a wonderful note (there is one!)...I'm an auntie again! 6lb 14oz Liam was born to my brother and his wife a week ago today. He is beautiful and perfect. His 3 year old big sister is adjusting to having to share attention. Thank goodness for the smiles the little ones can bring. I'm so very happy he is here.
It does make me long even more for one of our own, though.
Sounds like a bloody rough time- but it's not your fault one bit.
ReplyDeleteAs one life goes, another special life is created, enjoy your little nephew and the joy her brings your family.
I've found that life goes through the odd cycle like this and it's not easy. If anything, it makes me appreciate the smaller things in life and more determined to live a more simple life and be happy with what is already there.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your nephew. I have to agree with the name choice. Liam is a good name.
Hoping things turn round for you and your family soon.x