A Wonderful Hubby, More Dreams and Less Reading

I'm hurting myself.  I'm winding myself into such a tight knot of stress that I'm about to burst at any moment.  I have to stop.

I have spent the last 2 weeks in a cyclone of emotion and I've dragged my poor husband through the wringer with me.

I'm worried that I won't have a child.  I need to be focused on the positive right now.  Its early in my IF journey, really and we don't even KNOW a lot of the clinical stuff yet.  I haven't even had a day 3 blood analysis, to determine whether my FSH really is high.  And right now the decision is not to do one.  Not yet, anyway.  Right now I'm supposed to be bolstering my wellness.  Focusing on my body, mind and spirit and becoming as healthy, vibrant and vital as I can make myself.  But there is a time limit to this...I know...and it looms and depresses and worries me.

The reading I've been doing is stressing me out.  Its making me think about all the challenges that I might have to face & I don't know if I can do it.  I love the blogs I've found and I want to know more about these amazing women and understand the strength that they have so that I may have it too.  But I think I have to stop.  Or slow down, anyway.  As I read, I feel my heart becoming heavy, my chest closing in, and my throat developing a hard lump.  I've got so little to do at work (a frustration in itself, which I may get to in another post) these days that I sit and read and get more and more tense throughout the day.  Then by the time I get home I'm walking a stress tightrope that I know I'm going to fall off of.  My poor husband gets the brunt of it.  He works from home and he is working very very hard at launching his own business...but I come home and there are dishes, laundry, crumbs on the counter, vacuuming, cat litter, etc...and that's all it takes to send me over the edge.  I crash & bang my way through the house.  I can imagine what a jerk I look like.

The back room that I had been doing my meditation in was junky and full of boxes & just disorganized.  It's been our catch all room for anything we don't really know what to do with or just haven't gotten to.  The other day I came home and all the boxes were cleared away.  2 tables were set in the corners draped with pretty fabric, with little lamps set on them.  An incense burner and 2 calming scents of incense were set out.  A couple of nice cushions on the floor and a beautiful new soft blanket.  Some books on the Tao, Meditation, Poetry placed carefully on the shelves.  My old ghetto blaster set up with my meditation CD in it.  My husband is my favorite person in the whole world.  I don't deserve him.

Yesterday I went to my naturopath for an acupuncture appointment.  My food sensitivity tests had come back & it appears that I'm in pretty good shape food wise.  My body can comfortably assimilate just about anything.  The only thing I have to steer clear of is Eggs.  I get a mild reaction to them - so I'm not supposed to have them.  If they are in something I buy, no big deal, but I shouldn't have 'true' eggs, and if I'm baking I should use an egg replacer.  So I'm all good in that area.  But I just broke down in her office & wept.  I know its stress.  That's exactly what it is.  And I know I'm holding things in which just makes it build.  We didn't get to acupuncture before her next client showed who was her last client of the day.  She told me to come back after her last appointment and she would stay and give me a treatment.  In the reception room I paid the receptionist & told her to charge me for 2 appointments as I'd be coming back.  So I paid & came back & got my treatment.  Then she told me she wasn't charging me for the earlier time, so she'd applied a credit to my account.  That was sweet.  I needed that kindness.

I got home and had a great talk with Hubby & apologized for being like the 3 faces of Eve recently.  He understood.  He just wants me to relax.  He is so confident that this will happen for us.  He knows we will have 2 children.  I will be thrilled with just one.

And the dreams....well, I had another one last night.  Strange how the dreams have resurfaced after so long an absence.  I dreamed that my work gave me a cheque for $75,000.00.  Not sure why -they just did.  They were giving everyone big cheques.  Actually everyone was getting 2 cheques but I only got one, and they thought I would be upset about that but I didn't care because, hey, its $75,000.00 - why complain!  Maybe its a lesson to make the most of the hand you are dealt....to be happy with what is given you instead of focusing on what is not. 

So, I will still read your blogs & slowly get to know you all...but only a little at a time...only what my heart and head can handle at once.  I will continue to write my own...I find it therapeutic.  I hope you will find something of value in it for you, as well.

Peace
~SCS

Dreams

I used to dream vividly and remember my dreams very clearly.  I can remember dreams from my childhood and in my younger years I used to have recurring dreams.  I haven't had recurring dreams in many years, nor have I had very vivid dreams as frequently as I used to.  I haven't dreamed much in the past several years at all, to be honest.

The last 2 nights I have had vivid dreams.

Last night I had a dream that I was sorting mail for our Canadian Postal System.  For some background on this, I have been 'floating' in the last couple of years or so trying to decide what career I would like to settle down into.  I will post more details of that in another post.  At any rate, one of my thoughts was that I might enjoy being a mail carrier.  I am a big walker, I don't want to take my work home with me, and they have excellent pay, benefits & pension.  At least, they did.  I have been doing some vacation coverage for them through the season in order to get a foot in the door.  Over the last several weeks there has been a dispute between the union and the corporation over the terms of a new collective agreement so there were strikes and lockouts and all sorts of craziness.  The carriers were just ordered back to work by the Canadian Government a couple of days ago.  My dream was that I was sorting through the backlog of mail, trying to organize everything for a route that I had never done before.  I was buried and innundated, frustrated & crying, seeing no way to dig my way out.

The night prior I dreamed about my Grandmother.  She and I were very, very close & I lost her very suddenly to Cancer this past November.  My husband and I actually bought the house next door to her.  Since Gramma's passing my mother has bought the house, as my father passed away a few months earlier in August and Gramma's house worked better for mom.  (its been a very, very difficult year)

I dreamed that my Gramma, my Mother, Hubby or my Sister (not sure which), and myself were hiking in a Grand Canyon-esque landscape.  There was a ridge with a shallow step that we climbed down on to.  It overlooked a gaping drop.  There were small, weak looking trees and branches growing out of the edge of the rock.  I grabbed on to one to assess the stability of where we were and it pulled right out of the ground.  I told everyone that we had better get off of the ledge as it wasn't safe.  We heard some rumbling beneath us & I told everyone to hurry.  We climbed up to the safe ground and walked on.  I turned around and Gramma was still there on the ledge unable to get up.  We rushed back to help her but she said for us to go on that there was no way she could get up.  I jumped down and said "no, come on Gramma, this way, you can do this, its easy", and I took her hand and led her down a different path (which miraculously appeared) which was a slow easy grade to safe ground.

I choke up at this.  I choke up every time I think of her.  I miss her.