Introducing Dr. Cutie

I'll admit it.  I have a bit of a thing for nerds.

Remember Dr. Green from the original ER cast?  Ummm....YUMMY!  Forget George Clooney!  Anthony Edwards made my toes curl - and still sends things aflutter in me when I think of him.  Dr. Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory?  Yes please!!!

I know its kind of strange.....but that's just me.  My husband chuckles a little uncomfortably when I gush over a quirky, cute nerd on TV.  He worries that makes him a nerd too, since of course I find hubby unbearably attractive.  I reassure him that although he does have some nerd-ish elements (which I do find strangely hot), he's a 6'4" manly man rock star truck guy! (grunt!)

So.... I think I might have a wee bit of a crush on my new family Doctor. 

AWKWARD!

He is young as far as doctors go.  Right about my age I would guess.  Hubby came to the appointment with me and Dr. Cutie entered and I could see hubby's reaction - he gave me a little knowing smirk and a shake of the head.  Sigh - he knows me too well!

Dr. Cutie introduced himself and said  "So you're here to discuss fertility issues.  Whats been happening so far?".

I pulled out my files (I caught a slight flinch of surprise from him at the amount of well organized paper I pulled out!).  I explained that I was on CD 54 (now 55...but who's counting), that we'd begun trying January 2010, that my cycles could have been timed with a stopwatch before that but after we began trying I stopped having cycles for 4 months.  I explained the last year and a half of super irregular cycles, acupuncture, naturopathy (he did not blink an eye at this - I felt no 'judgement' from him), chiropractic, supplementation, etc.  Explained the night sweats since I was 30 that have stopped since doing the naturopathy & acupuncture, but that I do still get 'waves' of heat.  I don't feel that they are really 'hot flashes' as they feel milder than what other women describe (although, come to think of it, I also have quite a high pain threshold, so maybe my judgement is out of whack there....maybe what I experience as mild is really quite intense for other women...).

When I proceeded to the part about going to the specialist in May, I said... "I went to an appointment with.....and I'm sorry if you know her, but.....that HORRIBLE woman over at X Clinic."   I explained how we were treated and written off and he said that he's not surprised, that its not the first he's heard stories like that.

After telling my tale (during which he took endless notes on his Mac computer....I LOVE nerds!), I explained that I wanted some answers and I wanted him to run a battery of tests on me.  I said I want to be checked for PCOS, Ovarian Reserve and check my tubes, and that I want a requisition for day 3 blood work.

He explained, sort of, that you can't really 'test' for PCOS...you just diagnose it if cysts appear consistently, and that you don't really 'treat' it either.  He expained every woman gets cysts now & then.  That sort of let some wind out of my sails a bit.  (Does anyone know, as I forgot to ask, is it still possible to retrieve my own eggs for IVF if I do indeed have PCOS?)

He said that as for the other stuff, we'll run some tests.  He gave me the blood work requisition & also added another for mid-cycle.  He said since my cycles are so irregular and since I've kept such detailed records, that I should average out the length of my cycles for the last year and a half.  Whatever that average # is, divide it by 2 and then add 2.  So if the average is 30, then I go for a second round of blood work on day 17 (15+2).  He figures with such irregular cycles that's the best guess we have right now of 2 days after ovulation - although it is a long shot.

Also, he gave me a requisition for 3 ultrasounds - 1 pelvic, 1 trans vaginal, and 1 sonohysterogram which is apparently the one where they check my tubes.  The requisition notes say "37F (I think that means 37 yr old female) Fertility workup, oligomenorhea.  R/O uterine, tubal pathology"  I looked up Ogliomenhorhea if you are interested :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oligomenorrhea


He then added something to the effect of "The difficult thing about fertility problems is that we often don't figure out what is happening or why.  So we can run these tests and it may just show that everything SHOULD be working just fine. We may never find out why it isn't."

Bummer.  Big, Ugly, Smelly, Pimply, Bummer.

But I liked him.  So did Hubby.  He might even take Hubby on as a patient which would be SO nice.  We assured him that he is very low maintenance.

So now, next week, I go get poked and probed...and I am SO hopeful that the pictures will tell us exactly what the problem is and that there is a way to fix it.

Then, once again, I will be relying on my trusty nerds to take care of it all for me!

Hugs.
~SCS

Thankful

First I'm thankful for the additions of a couple of new friends, Brenda at Hope Springs Infertile: Now with 2 Little Sprouts, and Becca at Beccasfamilyof5 to my blog.  Thank you for joining me and I SO look forward to getting to know each of you. 


Second I'm thankful to Missy at My Unglorious Life for teaching me how to follow people who don't have a follow button! (THAT was frustrating!!!)

Third, I'm thankful that I'm feeling good today.

Its a very busy time right now as so much is happening in our lives.


Of course, IF is always there.  But we try not to dwell, if we can.  We are also in the process of screening applicants for our basement apartment - always a nerve wracking time.  My poor garden is showing how neglected its been this year, not to mention the weather extremes it has been put through by mother nature.  I'm taking on a few singing students for the fall in order to make some grocery money - but I've lost all of my materials and have to re-write all of my handouts from scratch, as well as my curriculum.


And, I'm 99% certain I am going back to school in November.  There are a lot of preparations that have to be made in order to make that happen - not the least of which is sorting out our finances.  So I've spent the last week bringing all of our financials up to date and down on spreadsheets so I can see the whole picture.  Wow - its not a pretty one.  We overspend - huge.  A big chunk is all of my expenses for Naturopath, Accupuncture, Chiropractor & all the supplements that go along with that.  Another big chunk is eating out at restaurants.  As I've said, I love food, and I would almost venture to say that I'm a hairs breadth from being a food addict.  Really.  I have some sort of emotional attachment to it that I have to come to terms with.


On the bright side, though, by looking at all of this now I see so much opportunity for us.  Its going to be a very hard couple of years while I am in school, keeping the purse strings tight - but if we succeed in following the budget I have laid out then at the end of it all we should be in a really great place - better than I thought we could ever be in.  In fact, we should be able to pay off my (HOPEFULLY GETTING ONE) student loan within the 6 months that you need to after graduating before they begin to charge interest!


So...I don't know what this optimistic streak is all about right now.  We are scrounging for money and things will get worse before they get better.  Its CD 53, I exhibit classic signs of being menopausal at age 37 (38 in a couple months...sigh), I don't feel at all optimistic about the prospects or possibility of being able to have my own genetic child with my husband and that breaks my heart.


And yet today....I feel light.  I feel energized.  I feel like almost....ALMOST...anything could be possible....


I surely hope that anything is.


Hugs all

Just The Facts, Ma'am!

First,  thank you so much to Glass Case of Emotion, One Perfect Emby, and to darling Maddy for your kind comments.  You've helped pull me out of a helpless, self-pitying slump that I would have wollowed in alone for weeks.  I cannot thank you enough.

And as Maddy suggested - its time to get the facts! 

All I know about my IF up to this point is that we've been trying for 18 months now with no success, and that I had a day 13 blood test that showed very high FSH.  I've been charting my BBT for almost a year (sadly, no real distinguishable patterns), but was pretty lax with it at first.  I've begun using Fertility Friend to chart and have actually started taking my temp vaginally just about a week ago, which is actually producing more stable temperatures.  I've been seeing a naturopath for a little over a year now and getting accupuncture, and I have just begun getting Chiropractic treatments.  My diet is about 90% really good and 10% slip ups.  I exercize regularly but not OVERLY intensely.  Physically I am starting to feel the best that I have in my whole life.

So....  my long time family doctor just retired last month.  I have a new family doctor now - a young fellow apparently.  I have booked an appointment in hopes to get a more proactive, supportive reaction.  I'm hoping to develop a relationship where he becomes at least slightly invested in my achieving pregnancy!  Or at least that he will care a teeny tiny bit.  Or perhaps even show some empathy.  Maybe he would even make suggestions, or, I don't know (and this might just be too radical a thought) maybe provide some medical advice???  I know I'm reaching, but here's hoping.

I've booked an appointment.  I see him August 16th.  The receptionist asked whether my husband would be joining me.  I said "I don't think so - my husband is not a patient in the office.  We've been trying to get him in for years, but Dr. Old Guy wouldn't take him on as a patient.".  "Well," she said, "bring your husband along.  Its good for everyone to be on the same page in this.  The doctor will likely want some information from him.  Its also good moral support for you".  (my jaw hit the floor, I think.  I've never had kindness like that from my doctor's office!).  Anyway - we're booked and its on!

I have begun a list of questions and things I want to ask for.  PLEASE if you have any other suggestions let me know.  I want to be THOROUGH in this investigation so that we can really know what we are working with (other than a Yin deficiency!).

So far my list is:

• Requisition for blood tests covering all possible hormones/deficiencies linked to conception troubles.  (I will go get the blood drawn on day 3 of my cycle, in order to get an accurate FSH)
• AMH Blood test for Ovarian Reserve
• Ultrasound for Ovarian Reserve & possible cysts 
• Check Fallopian Tubes - not just the fluid but actually looking to ensure they are clear

Again, PLEASE let me know if you think there is anything more I should be asking about.

I have to thank the other blogs that I have been reading or I wouldn't even know about these things, really.  I still don't really know what some of these things are/how they work in the grand scheme of conception.  I just know that its time for me to start expecting that those I'm going to for help with this ACTUALLY do thier jobs and actively help me!

On another note....I've booked an appointment with an admissions officer at a Post Secondary school locally.  I've been doing a lot of soul searching about 'the rest of my life'.  I want to be a Mom more than anything....but I also want to be fulfilled in what I do in life.  The program I'm looking into is 2 years - full time.  Its an intense program.  I would not be able to work - so basically Hubby and I would not be able to afford to live.  Not sure how that is going to work out...   But if we can work out the financial side of things (not even opposed to borrowing - which other than our mortgage we have never done), then on the other side of school would be a far greater income than I can generate right now - and let me tell you, a hell of a lot more satisfaction as well.  We would be able to be back on track within a year or so. 

I know - is this the right time to go back to school?  I'm supposed to stay stress free in order to get pregnant.  And what if I were to get pregnant in the middle of all of this?  Well, it would be a challenge to work through.  But wouldn't that just mean that I'd be getting EVERYTHING I wanted?  I'll be 38 when the program starts.  I'll be 40 when I graduate (if I enroll).  I don't want to wait another year just in case I get pregnant.  I've been waiting for things to happen to me ALL MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!  I've got to make things happen. 

Before its too late.

A Wonderful Hubby, More Dreams and Less Reading

I'm hurting myself.  I'm winding myself into such a tight knot of stress that I'm about to burst at any moment.  I have to stop.

I have spent the last 2 weeks in a cyclone of emotion and I've dragged my poor husband through the wringer with me.

I'm worried that I won't have a child.  I need to be focused on the positive right now.  Its early in my IF journey, really and we don't even KNOW a lot of the clinical stuff yet.  I haven't even had a day 3 blood analysis, to determine whether my FSH really is high.  And right now the decision is not to do one.  Not yet, anyway.  Right now I'm supposed to be bolstering my wellness.  Focusing on my body, mind and spirit and becoming as healthy, vibrant and vital as I can make myself.  But there is a time limit to this...I know...and it looms and depresses and worries me.

The reading I've been doing is stressing me out.  Its making me think about all the challenges that I might have to face & I don't know if I can do it.  I love the blogs I've found and I want to know more about these amazing women and understand the strength that they have so that I may have it too.  But I think I have to stop.  Or slow down, anyway.  As I read, I feel my heart becoming heavy, my chest closing in, and my throat developing a hard lump.  I've got so little to do at work (a frustration in itself, which I may get to in another post) these days that I sit and read and get more and more tense throughout the day.  Then by the time I get home I'm walking a stress tightrope that I know I'm going to fall off of.  My poor husband gets the brunt of it.  He works from home and he is working very very hard at launching his own business...but I come home and there are dishes, laundry, crumbs on the counter, vacuuming, cat litter, etc...and that's all it takes to send me over the edge.  I crash & bang my way through the house.  I can imagine what a jerk I look like.

The back room that I had been doing my meditation in was junky and full of boxes & just disorganized.  It's been our catch all room for anything we don't really know what to do with or just haven't gotten to.  The other day I came home and all the boxes were cleared away.  2 tables were set in the corners draped with pretty fabric, with little lamps set on them.  An incense burner and 2 calming scents of incense were set out.  A couple of nice cushions on the floor and a beautiful new soft blanket.  Some books on the Tao, Meditation, Poetry placed carefully on the shelves.  My old ghetto blaster set up with my meditation CD in it.  My husband is my favorite person in the whole world.  I don't deserve him.

Yesterday I went to my naturopath for an acupuncture appointment.  My food sensitivity tests had come back & it appears that I'm in pretty good shape food wise.  My body can comfortably assimilate just about anything.  The only thing I have to steer clear of is Eggs.  I get a mild reaction to them - so I'm not supposed to have them.  If they are in something I buy, no big deal, but I shouldn't have 'true' eggs, and if I'm baking I should use an egg replacer.  So I'm all good in that area.  But I just broke down in her office & wept.  I know its stress.  That's exactly what it is.  And I know I'm holding things in which just makes it build.  We didn't get to acupuncture before her next client showed who was her last client of the day.  She told me to come back after her last appointment and she would stay and give me a treatment.  In the reception room I paid the receptionist & told her to charge me for 2 appointments as I'd be coming back.  So I paid & came back & got my treatment.  Then she told me she wasn't charging me for the earlier time, so she'd applied a credit to my account.  That was sweet.  I needed that kindness.

I got home and had a great talk with Hubby & apologized for being like the 3 faces of Eve recently.  He understood.  He just wants me to relax.  He is so confident that this will happen for us.  He knows we will have 2 children.  I will be thrilled with just one.

And the dreams....well, I had another one last night.  Strange how the dreams have resurfaced after so long an absence.  I dreamed that my work gave me a cheque for $75,000.00.  Not sure why -they just did.  They were giving everyone big cheques.  Actually everyone was getting 2 cheques but I only got one, and they thought I would be upset about that but I didn't care because, hey, its $75,000.00 - why complain!  Maybe its a lesson to make the most of the hand you are dealt....to be happy with what is given you instead of focusing on what is not. 

So, I will still read your blogs & slowly get to know you all...but only a little at a time...only what my heart and head can handle at once.  I will continue to write my own...I find it therapeutic.  I hope you will find something of value in it for you, as well.

Peace
~SCS

AF Excuses

I find that I use AF as an excuse to drop the good habits & indulge myself for a few days.

I had a lovely date with Hubby on Friday night.  I really shared with him & he really listened.  Life is so busy for us that a couple of weeks can go by and we don't really have time to discuss whats happening in our heads and hearts with each other.  It felt REALLY good.  It helped, too, that the food was spectacular and the wine was very nice.

Saturday we had to get up and hit the road out of town as we were playing a festival.  Lovely place, nice people, sold some CDs.  We did our set, stayed like good musicians to support a couple of the acts that followed, mingled a bit, and took off to another town for a close friend of the family 50th wedding anniversary party that we were to play at as well.  We had to stop for lunch along the way & had greasy fish & chips at pretty much the only place we could find.  I only at half & still felt gross. 

The party was nice.  We stayed later than we had anticipated.  I sat in front of a campfire breathing in smoke for a good hour.  That wasn't so fun.  I resisted the cake, but had a glass of wine.  By the time we got home at 10pm we were starved & got a pizza.  More wine with that.  Then to bed.

Up at a decent time Sunday & packed a picnic.  Rode our bikes along a 20K old rail bed trail from one nearby town to another.  Gorgeous day.  It was just what my soul needed.  Took almost an hour and a half one way.  We stopped in a park at the end & ate our egg salad sandwiches, carrots & celery and some nuts & seeds.  Then we went down to the main drag of the little town & locked up our bikes & snooped around a bit.  Went into a nice cafe which appears to specialize in Fritters, where Hubby ordered a 'banana split fritter'.  I resisted & just had a couple of bites of his.  It was, as the name suggests, quite good!  There was also a chocolate shop on the strip and I HAD to go in.  I resisted buying anything, but I did take a little sample of a milk chocolate ladybug they had set out.  I am a chocolatier (just for fun, not professionally, but maybe one day I will do it professionally).  I took an intensive course & have a certificate & everything - which of course, makes me official.  Its a dangerous and expensive hobby!

Got home Sunday afternoon & had a glass of wine on the deck.  Ate some leftover pizza and drew a nice warm bath with Epsom salts & essential oils.  Read more of "Fully Fertile" while bathing.  Soon after this I was serenaded by Hubby's snores coming from the bedroom.  It was only 7:30pm!  I was feeling sleepy too, though.  After my bath I decided it was a good time to try out the whole meditation thing.  I got out some pillows to sit on, lit some incense, and put on the instructional CD.  The sun was beginning to set so the lighting in the spare room (which will one day SOON be the baby's room) was soft and lovely.  I listened softly to the gentle voice on the CD.  When the instructional portion was over I continued on listening to the music & just focusing on my breath for who knows how long.  It was...lovely.  My mind would wander & when I noticed it, I would just calmly bring myself back to 'thinking' only about my breath.  Normally I would berate myself & get angry that I'm not doing it right, but I was in such a good place that I cut myself a break on it (as you are supposed to).  It felt great.  I can definitely see how finding a place for this in my life will help keep me calm & centred (which I am normally NOT!).

I had a wonderful, long deep sleep Sunday night.

Monday morning I got up to see Dr. Jam (my new nickname for wonderful Chiropractor man!).  We reviewed all the info he gathered on our previous appointment.  WOW!  My lower spine is over curved & we need to bring that back a bit.  My pelvis is tilted to the left, while my shoulders & neck tilt to the right to compensate.  From the top of my shoulders to the base of my skull that section of spine should be gently curved, but mine is poker straight.  He said that he'd never seen one so perfectly straight - you could seriously put a level on it!  It was totally clear and obvious from the xrays which he showed me.  Nerves in that section affect the pituitary & thyroid, while in the lower part of my back & pelvis is obviously reproductive organs.  Yes - I am highly blocked.  He's going to open me up!  Again, the scanny test results were obvious & clear, and I am also quite flat footed, which will impede my response to the adjustments (he will adjust me, I walk around for a few days on flat feet & my body starts to re-compensate again....no progress).  So....orthotics it is, as well as adjustments 3x per week for now which will give us two steps forward, one step back in terms of progress.  It will be a long haul to 'unjam' me, but whatever the result, I will only glean positive health impacts from this.  The first adjustment was a little uncomfortable but I felt marvelous afterwards.  My chronically tender lower back had NO PAIN for almost half the day Monday which was amazing to me!  In a couple of weeks maybe I'll get to a whole pain free day!

Last night I went to see that Bridesmaids movie at the theatre with my mom, Aunt & cousins, and I had popcorn & tea for supper.  Regretted that at 10pm.  Hysterical movie though!  Got home, finished the bottle of wine, plopped in front of the TV till midnight & went to bed.  Not the routine I'm supposed to be following.

Today I'm back on the proverbial horse.  Healthy breakfast, vitamins & herbs, healthy packed lunch, yoga after work...Hopefully a relaxing evening with some meditation worked in there.

I feel like I'm moving forward....I just have to control my unhealthy urges more effectively!

Two Line Trick

My period is late. By 3 weeks. I took a pregnancy test this morning. One of the generic strips that my naturopath provides me for $2 - they are the same thing as the $30 tests you buy in the pharmacy, but just the guts & not the fancy plastic packaging.

So, I peed. It was a bit awkward trying to get the pee on the right spot, but the colour started to change, so I figured I was doing it right. One sort of half line appears....the test line to show that the test is working....and then in front of that, a second faint half line appears...

WHAT? Could it really be??????

I compare it to the drawing on the little package.....yep....2 lines. I wake my husband. Yep....2 lines. They are only half lines though....what does that mean???? I think, maybe I should do the 'pee in a cup and dip the strip in' thing....maybe that would give a clearer result. I remember reading that there are such things as false negatives but not really false positives. Hope is beginning to bubble up in me....!!! Could this really be happening?!?!

My stomach has been upset the last few days. I've been emotional (but thats not really out of the ordinary). My appetite is off. Maybe this is for real!!!!!!!!!

I have a second test - but no more pee. Well, I guess I will have to wait. I do my usual morning routine. Cup of tea. Glass of water. A little breakfast. Another cup of tea to bring into work. In the back of my mind is 'don't drink too much & dilute things' - while at the front of my mind is 'gotta make pee. gotta make pee.'.

About 20 minutes ago I did the second test here at work.

One line.

Just one line.

Playing Catch Up While the Clock is Ticking

Well - I had good intentions at the beginning, which I always do. Now its been over a year since I posted anything. My journey continued in my silence, though....did it ever.


As opposed to a novel, which I'm not prepared to write unless Harper Collins or Random House are involved, how-be I sum up?

• We have successfully converted to organic in everything that we can get that comes organic - food wise.



• We are still in the process of converting over cosmetic/toiletry items and household cleaners to Organic, Green, or Homemade. We're probably about 70% there.



• We joined a gym several months ago and invested in Personal Trainers so we learn how to exercise and DON'T hurt ourselves. (Hubby has a pretty severe back injury and that limits his progress because of moves he simply cannot do. I have lost 5 lbs of fat and gained 5 lbs of muscle in 5 months.)



• I see my Naturopath regularly & have built a good relationship with her. I receive treatment in acupuncture and TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). I will go into more detail about this later as its a big part of the direction journey has taken.



• Progress and enthusiasm has been slowed by an extremely difficult year. Hubby's Grandfather passed last May (2010), my father passed in August, my Grandmother in November, and my Uncle just a few weeks ago.
  

These are sort of "the big rocks" that have occurred since I last wrote - with the exception of the one all consuming, all encompassing reason for all of it......we are trying to have a child...have been for 16 months....and have not been able to conceive. I didn't bring it up before, perhaps hoping that simple changes in diet & lifestyle would result in a pregnancy. They didn't, haven't, and its time to go deeper on so many levels.

The Fertility Summary looks like this

• I had 2 miscarriages in a previous relationship. One at 9 weeks, one at 14. These occurred in 2004.



• Regular cycles 98% of the time since age 13.



• In January 2010 Hubby and I go to Cuba for our 'last hurrah'. We are going to start trying when we get home.



• Period late in Feb 2010. Take pregnancy test - negative. A week later still no period. Take another test - negative. Call MD - sends me for lab pregnancy test - negative. Diagnosis - just a late cycle.



• March - still no period, but almost daily dark sparse spotting.



• April - same as above. Book appointment with MD. Sends me for blood work another lab pregnancy test - negative. Blood work indicates Anaemia. Thyroid shows normal. Diagnosis - just wait it out.



• April - see Naturopath (ND) for the first time. She takes me off dairy, orders more specific thyroid tests, puts me on a gentle thyroid support supplement, begins TCM treatment with herbs, and does acupuncture.



• May - a period! Wow, what a period! Hits me like a MAC Truck & lasts 7 days - but its a period! ND has me start recording BBT & we continue with treatment.



• June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec....periods normalize. My BBT is lower than normal (taken at 5am its in the 35 degree area). I get night sweats (not every night, but pretty regularly). No real 'spike' or ovulation indicators being picked up. ND feels yin/yang are way out of balance & we need to focus on finding my balance.



• January 2011 - irregular periods begin again. Every 6 or so weeks in general, occasional spotting. CM (cervical mucous) almost non-existent and no EWCM (egg white CM). The toll of the difficult year is starting to be felt. I begin training at the gym which offers some relief. It has now been a year, so ND advises to see MD as they will take more action now that we have been trying for a year unsuccessfully.



• MD seems enthusiastic about helping/discovering if there are issues. Orders thorough blood tests. I get a call a couple of days later from the Md's office asking if I'm experiencing 'black urine' and that if I am I need to go to the emergency room. I advise them that I am not experiencing anything of the sort and that if I was I would have already been to the emergency room! Apparently my 'creatine' level was high. Its a muscle enzyme. I advise them I have been working out. They advised that can happen, but I needed to stop working out for a week and take the blood test again. I did so. They called back and advised that all was well and the creatine levels were back to normal. I asked "Great - what about everything else?". "What do you mean?" they asked. "The blood tests were originally ordered because we're trying to conceive and can't" I replied. "Oh - I'll have to check with the doctor and get back to you". OK.



• A few days later I get a call from the Md's office. "Your creatine levels are fine, you have nothing more to worry about." "I know that" I said "but what about my fertility concerns?". "What do you mean?" they asked. I repeat the initial reason for the tests once again. "Oh - I'll have to check with the doctor and get back to you". OK...



• A few days later I get a call from the Md's office. "Your creatine levels are fine, you have nothing more to worry about." OK. Enough. I lose it - as gently as I am able to. I explain once again the whole point of it all. I explain how this back & forth & their inability to see how it affects me, is affecting me. I suggest that I may need to be referred to a specialist and that I would like the MD to look at the blood tests re: FERTILITY INDICATORS and take appropriate action. I advise I do not want to wait as the chances are that a specialist's waiting list is going to be very long, so I want to get on it right away! The receptionist says she understands, will speak with the doctor and get back to me by the end of the day.



• She calls back & says that if I want to go to a fertility specialist I need to arrange it myself - there is no referral. (???). OK, fine. I check the Internet and there is a clinic in my town that is apparently one of the best in Canada. Their site looks good, seems very compassionate - sounds like just what we need. You must be referred by a family doctor - there is a form to be completed. (BTW - my MD is retiring in July & a new MD is taking over his practice. Can't wait.). I print off the referral form & fax it to my Md's office with a clear letter advising them of what they need to do and that I need it done by the end of the week. They do it.



• I get a letter from the clinic and I have an appointment booked late August (it is March or so at this time). I fill in the masses of forms they send along. In the meantime I continue with ND, Acupuncture, etc.



• May - I get a call from clinic they have a cancellation & can take me that week. YAY! We gather all of our info & I have a whole file ready to go over with the doctor to show my cycles, temperatures, discharge, etc etc etc. I'm thinking I'm so prepared she will be impressed and we'll get right to the bottom of what is happening.



• We go into appointment, nurse weighs me, takes BP, etc. Hubby stays in waiting room & pays for appt & fills out more forms. I come back into waiting room to wait for doctor.



• We get called in. Doctor introduces herself. She is barely intelligible - muttering under her breath, slurring & appears as though she could drop off to sleep at any moment. I think she either was up all night in a delivery or something, or else she must be drunk.



• She asks a few basic questions. Asks "whats this naturopath doing?". I proudly open up my folder with all my BBT charts, all testing results, ND program info. She sort of 'huffs' and says 'well you can stop doing that now its probably just causing you more stress'. She asks - "has your doctor spoken to you about FSH?". I said no - but that my ND has & did tell me that it was high on the blood test results and said she is proceeding in a manner trying to get my ovaries to start 'listening'. I said I really didn't know too much about it beyond that. She said yes, my FSH is quite high (37 at day 13)according to the tests my MD ordered.



• She went on to explain the clinic's process & that on the first day of my next period I am to call them. They will set an appointment for me to come in and have blood drawn on day 3. The rest of the process is a blur now as a result of the information that followed. She took us back into a room with the nurse & said the nurse will walk you through the process in more detail & give you the papers that tell you what to do. Then, as she's leaving the room, she turns to me and says "and you know that if the FSH comes back high after the first blood test then we stop everything there? There will be no further treatment.".



• ................................................................................................what?.......................................



• I brace. The nurse looks at me. I sit. She asks "is this new information for you?" "yes". "Yes, I'm sorry, but if the FSH is high then the only alternative is to look for an egg donor, and we are not legally able to assist you in that process."



• She goes through some sort of info. Hubby handles it. I am somewhere else....in shock.



• I spend several days in shock. I read up on FSH on the internet. I read up on egg donation (though I don't want to go there. I want MY child. Mine & my husbands.). I learn maybe more than I want to know. I also learn that many clinics are thought to be too quick to write off women with high FSH and that they don't want to take them on as patients because they aren't good for their stats. I learn FSH at 37 is astoundingly high.



• I go back to ND. Hubby comes along. She listens. She is sorry we had that experience. She explains that in TCM there is no real acknowledgement of FSH. She views it as an indicator that for some reason the ovaries are not listening. From her perspective we need to wake them up. She recommends that we continue with the acupuncture & herbs, but take a more aggressive approach & try to create an environment of total balance and health in my body, giving the ovaries their best opportunity to do their jobs. This sounds reasonable to me.

So at this point, I am awaiting the results of a food sensitivity test, so that we can do a targeted cleanse & create a specific diet. I am working out 3x a week, taking my herbs, drinking herbal teas, no caffeine or alcohol, getting acupuncture weekly, taking my BBT at 5 every morning, watching CM & praying for EWCM & an on cycle temperature spike, making sure I get good sleep, and trying to figure out 'meditation' of some kind to bring myself 'down'. I am running hot - too much yang. Need to bring in some yin & find my balance.

I feel really good right now. Better than I ever have - physically anyway I'm the strongest I've been in my life. Emotionally......that's another story. I'm up and down. I'm 37. 38 in the fall. I don't want to wait. I don't want to delay. If I need to get an egg donor, I want to know and just get on with the process. But there is no guarantee in that that I will even get pregnant with that process. Its just IVF with someone else's eggs. Adoption is such a long, painful, expensive process too. Many times I feel lost, helpless and deeply, deeply sad. Others I feel optimistic & hopeful.

Now you, dear reader (though I have none at this point & maybe won't ever), are caught up. And the clock ticks on...