I'll admit it. I have a bit of a thing for nerds.
Remember Dr. Green from the original ER cast? Ummm....YUMMY! Forget George Clooney! Anthony Edwards made my toes curl - and still sends things aflutter in me when I think of him. Dr. Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory? Yes please!!!
I know its kind of strange.....but that's just me. My husband chuckles a little uncomfortably when I gush over a quirky, cute nerd on TV. He worries that makes him a nerd too, since of course I find hubby unbearably attractive. I reassure him that although he does have some nerd-ish elements (which I do find strangely hot), he's a 6'4" manly man rock star truck guy! (grunt!)
So.... I think I might have a wee bit of a crush on my new family Doctor.
AWKWARD!
He is young as far as doctors go. Right about my age I would guess. Hubby came to the appointment with me and Dr. Cutie entered and I could see hubby's reaction - he gave me a little knowing smirk and a shake of the head. Sigh - he knows me too well!
Dr. Cutie introduced himself and said "So you're here to discuss fertility issues. Whats been happening so far?".
I pulled out my files (I caught a slight flinch of surprise from him at the amount of well organized paper I pulled out!). I explained that I was on CD 54 (now 55...but who's counting), that we'd begun trying January 2010, that my cycles could have been timed with a stopwatch before that but after we began trying I stopped having cycles for 4 months. I explained the last year and a half of super irregular cycles, acupuncture, naturopathy (he did not blink an eye at this - I felt no 'judgement' from him), chiropractic, supplementation, etc. Explained the night sweats since I was 30 that have stopped since doing the naturopathy & acupuncture, but that I do still get 'waves' of heat. I don't feel that they are really 'hot flashes' as they feel milder than what other women describe (although, come to think of it, I also have quite a high pain threshold, so maybe my judgement is out of whack there....maybe what I experience as mild is really quite intense for other women...).
When I proceeded to the part about going to the specialist in May, I said... "I went to an appointment with.....and I'm sorry if you know her, but.....that HORRIBLE woman over at X Clinic." I explained how we were treated and written off and he said that he's not surprised, that its not the first he's heard stories like that.
After telling my tale (during which he took endless notes on his Mac computer....I LOVE nerds!), I explained that I wanted some answers and I wanted him to run a battery of tests on me. I said I want to be checked for PCOS, Ovarian Reserve and check my tubes, and that I want a requisition for day 3 blood work.
He explained, sort of, that you can't really 'test' for PCOS...you just diagnose it if cysts appear consistently, and that you don't really 'treat' it either. He expained every woman gets cysts now & then. That sort of let some wind out of my sails a bit. (Does anyone know, as I forgot to ask, is it still possible to retrieve my own eggs for IVF if I do indeed have PCOS?)
He said that as for the other stuff, we'll run some tests. He gave me the blood work requisition & also added another for mid-cycle. He said since my cycles are so irregular and since I've kept such detailed records, that I should average out the length of my cycles for the last year and a half. Whatever that average # is, divide it by 2 and then add 2. So if the average is 30, then I go for a second round of blood work on day 17 (15+2). He figures with such irregular cycles that's the best guess we have right now of 2 days after ovulation - although it is a long shot.
Also, he gave me a requisition for 3 ultrasounds - 1 pelvic, 1 trans vaginal, and 1 sonohysterogram which is apparently the one where they check my tubes. The requisition notes say "37F (I think that means 37 yr old female) Fertility workup, oligomenorhea. R/O uterine, tubal pathology" I looked up Ogliomenhorhea if you are interested :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oligomenorrhea
He then added something to the effect of "The difficult thing about fertility problems is that we often don't figure out what is happening or why. So we can run these tests and it may just show that everything SHOULD be working just fine. We may never find out why it isn't."
Bummer. Big, Ugly, Smelly, Pimply, Bummer.
But I liked him. So did Hubby. He might even take Hubby on as a patient which would be SO nice. We assured him that he is very low maintenance.
So now, next week, I go get poked and probed...and I am SO hopeful that the pictures will tell us exactly what the problem is and that there is a way to fix it.
Then, once again, I will be relying on my trusty nerds to take care of it all for me!
Hugs.
~SCS
fuck.
POAS today. Last week I would have said for sure that it would be a BFN, so I didn't POAS. Then yesterday....I began to hope...
fuck.
My last cycle was 43 days - so I'm thinking AF will be here soon. Hope so. I'm ready to start on the next round.
Looking forward to the appointment with Dr. Young Guy in 2 weeks. I think those questions (see last post) all need to be answered. I'm still open to receiving thoughts about further questions to raise to him if anyone out there can think of any for me to ask.
I've met with the admissions person at the school I'm considering. It all looks good. I just have to figure out the balance so that we don't starve to death while I'm in school. I've put an ad up to give voice lessons - hopefully there are some takers. I'm also hoping my current employer will be supportive and allow me to work part time whenever possible. If anyone out there needs a freelance art project done (computer or hand illustration, realistic or cartoon (any style), photography, logos & business card design, portraits, etc....) please shoot me a comment and I will send you the website link for my husband's business.
I confessed our IF struggles to one of my very best girlfriends this past week. We talked a long time she was of course wonderful. Egg donation came up. She said that she knows a woman who donated eggs and when she (my friend) heard about it she thought to herself (this was years ago) "who would I do that for if it ever came to that?". She said that I was one of the 3 people she would do it for. She said she knows that we're not at that place yet and that she knows we will get pregnant ourselves, but that if it came down to it, she would do it, if she were a good candidate. I thanked her, from the bottom of my heart. I'm not sure how I feel about it though.
I told my mother about it. My mom thinks its great (if it came to that) since my friend and I are such similar people - very alike in our values, likes, dislikes & talents. I said "But I don't know if I could get over the thought that it would be my husband and my best friend's baby". I don't know if I would hurt to my core every time I looked at "my" child. I just don't know.
I hope what I've said is not being insensitive to anyone out there who has gone the donor egg route. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. If it comes down to that being our only option - then I will do it - and I respect and admire anyone who has had the strength to do it. I'm just new to the idea that this might be a route that we will have to take. I'm still trying to emotionally grasp that I may not be able to have a child of my own genetics. I hope I do not offend.
Geez....this whole thing sucks.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First, thank you so much to Glass Case of Emotion, One Perfect Emby, and to darling Maddy for your kind comments. You've helped pull me out of a helpless, self-pitying slump that I would have wollowed in alone for weeks. I cannot thank you enough.
And as Maddy suggested - its time to get the facts!
All I know about my IF up to this point is that we've been trying for 18 months now with no success, and that I had a day 13 blood test that showed very high FSH. I've been charting my BBT for almost a year (sadly, no real distinguishable patterns), but was pretty lax with it at first. I've begun using Fertility Friend to chart and have actually started taking my temp vaginally just about a week ago, which is actually producing more stable temperatures. I've been seeing a naturopath for a little over a year now and getting accupuncture, and I have just begun getting Chiropractic treatments. My diet is about 90% really good and 10% slip ups. I exercize regularly but not OVERLY intensely. Physically I am starting to feel the best that I have in my whole life.
So.... my long time family doctor just retired last month. I have a new family doctor now - a young fellow apparently. I have booked an appointment in hopes to get a more proactive, supportive reaction. I'm hoping to develop a relationship where he becomes at least slightly invested in my achieving pregnancy! Or at least that he will care a teeny tiny bit. Or perhaps even show some empathy. Maybe he would even make suggestions, or, I don't know (and this might just be too radical a thought) maybe provide some medical advice??? I know I'm reaching, but here's hoping.
I've booked an appointment. I see him August 16th. The receptionist asked whether my husband would be joining me. I said "I don't think so - my husband is not a patient in the office. We've been trying to get him in for years, but Dr. Old Guy wouldn't take him on as a patient.". "Well," she said, "bring your husband along. Its good for everyone to be on the same page in this. The doctor will likely want some information from him. Its also good moral support for you". (my jaw hit the floor, I think. I've never had kindness like that from my doctor's office!). Anyway - we're booked and its on!
I have begun a list of questions and things I want to ask for. PLEASE if you have any other suggestions let me know. I want to be THOROUGH in this investigation so that we can really know what we are working with (other than a Yin deficiency!).
So far my list is:
- Requisition for blood tests covering all possible hormones/deficiencies linked to conception troubles. (I will go get the blood drawn on day 3 of my cycle, in order to get an accurate FSH)
- AMH Blood test for Ovarian Reserve
- Ultrasound for Ovarian Reserve & possible cysts
- Check Fallopian Tubes - not just the fluid but actually looking to ensure they are clear
Again, PLEASE let me know if you think there is anything more I should be asking about.
I have to thank the other blogs that I have been reading or I wouldn't even know about these things, really. I still don't really know what some of these things are/how they work in the grand scheme of conception. I just know that its time for me to start expecting that those I'm going to for help with this ACTUALLY do thier jobs and actively help me!
On another note....I've booked an appointment with an admissions officer at a Post Secondary school locally. I've been doing a lot of soul searching about 'the rest of my life'. I want to be a Mom more than anything....but I also want to be fulfilled in what I do in life. The program I'm looking into is 2 years - full time. Its an intense program. I would not be able to work - so basically Hubby and I would not be able to afford to live. Not sure how that is going to work out... But if we can work out the financial side of things (not even opposed to borrowing - which other than our mortgage we have never done), then on the other side of school would be a far greater income than I can generate right now - and let me tell you, a hell of a lot more satisfaction as well. We would be able to be back on track within a year or so.
I know - is this the right time to go back to school? I'm supposed to stay stress free in order to get pregnant. And what if I were to get pregnant in the middle of all of this? Well, it would be a challenge to work through. But wouldn't that just mean that I'd be getting EVERYTHING I wanted? I'll be 38 when the program starts. I'll be 40 when I graduate (if I enroll). I don't want to wait another year just in case I get pregnant. I've been waiting for things to happen to me ALL MY FREAKING LIFE!!!! I've got to make things happen.
Before its too late.
Chiropractor
**Now I know why health care providers are given cute nicknames on blogs. It's annoying to write 'chiropractor' or 'naturopath' over and over again! I'll have to come up with some cute nicknames.**
I want to talk about my initial visit with the Chiropractor this morning because it was just so great! First, what a nice man! Young (40s), friendly, compassionate and I think THOROUGH! We talked a lot about Chiropractic care and fertility issues and he was right on track with some of the things I have read in the last week. He asked me a number of questions about the fertility history and understood all that I told him. He and his wife struggled for a little while too, but they got it sorted out through charting & the support of clomid. He asked questions about my physical symptoms and I was able to clearly articulate my current state as well as my history (I've had to dredge through it enough recently - and I'm feeling more in tune with my body....recognizing when I'm feeling a certain way). He seemed to think the story was fairly typical.
He took me into a room and took some x-rays. Then he used these little gun devices with wires attached that went into a laptop. He 'scanned' my spine from top to bottom with these and the laptop display registered areas of misalignment, pressure, compression, etc. The results were incredible! He could have looked at this picture without talking to me and told ME all the concerns that I had just told him! In fact, the laptop brought to surface a few things I had neglected to mention! I was blown away. Yes - my breathing is laboured and heavy. Check. Yes, my foot bothers me from a fall a little over a year ago. Check. And, yes indeedy, my cycles are irregular and I have not been able to conceive! Then he did this foot scan thing which we will talk about next appointment, but I could clearly see from the scan against what is supposed to be 'normal' that we have a lot more to discuss!
Then he lies me down on the table and presses along my pelvis. "You are really jammed up!" he says. "When I push down here it should be springy, but you're really tight." He presses up and down my spine and basically pinpoints all the areas that are sensitive, tender and generally a problem for me.
"I think I can help you" he says. "at the very least I can help move your body back to a place where it is no longer hindering your efforts so dramatically"
I see him again Monday morning. I can't wait!
Blogging
I'm very new to this blogging thing, despite having signed up here over a year ago. I have found several blogs to follow and one that I'm in the process of reading through before I get to any more (Mad Hatter's blog "Late for a Very Important Pregnancy" check it out! I'd put a link if I knew how!). I am working my way through it steadily - a lot of reading, and a lot of information! I am also reading all the comments which provide so much information too. I can't wait to get to know and visit some of the other IF bloggers out there. But I think I may be staring at the screen too much. I'm getting headaches. I don't normally get headaches. Regardless, I am so glad I found this - its a release for me and helps me to feel that I am not alone. But please excuse me in advance (and let me know!) if I make some sort of etiquette faux pas....I'm only just starting to learn!
Fertility Friend
I have signed up on Fertility Friend which I have read so much about thru MH's blog. I have been charting my cycles (if you can call them that) on paper for a year now, but this online resource looks far more dynamic. My ND says that if it works for me and still provides all the info she wants, then it works for her too.
I drank wine last night and had pasta and bread for dinner. I figure I got AF, so what the hell. Plus I was really, really bummed and just wanted to wallow in self pity. Today I feel much better. AF looks good (I'm calling this CD1 as yesterday was really just more spotty) despite having taken a while to come. Plus I am armed with a whole arsenal of weapons in my battle:
-Naturopathic consisting of TCM and Acupuncture
-TCM herbs
-Supplements (Multi, Iron, Thyro-set, CoQ10) - the thyro set is for gentle support, my thyro tests normally
-Chiropractic
-Charting on FF (BBT, CM, other SandS)
-My own documenting of my daily routines and SandS
-Meditation
-Yoga
-Aromatherapy for relaxation
-an AMAZING hubby
-Blogging and finding some more friends out there who know what I'm going through. Looking forward to 'meeting' you and getting to know you all!
Many of these are new - just within the last couple of weeks - thanks for the most part to MH's blog and the comments on it! I will be taking some time now to see how they all fit into my life and schedule. I'm finding there are simply not enough hours in the day, and I'm still getting to bed about an hour later than I'd like to!
But for now, its Friday afternoon. I just spent an hour here at work writing this instead of working. Its almost time to wrap up and go home. I was supposed to go to the gym but cancelled because AF is too heavy (I don't like to work out CD1-3, I get nervous about leaking). Hubby is taking me on a date. Indian Food. A glass of wine. A nice, long, hand held talk over the table, looking into his gentle, caring brown eyes & then a stroll either down the main drag of our small city, or in the park a few blocks from the restaurant. That's the pace I'm longing for tonight. I'm already melting into the thought of it....
~SCS
