Well - I had good intentions at the beginning, which I always do. Now its been over a year since I posted anything. My journey continued in my silence, though....did it ever.As opposed to a novel, which I'm not prepared to write unless Harper Collins or Random House are involved, how-be I sum up?
- We have successfully converted to organic in everything that we can get that comes organic - food wise.
- We are still in the process of converting over cosmetic/toiletry items and household cleaners to Organic, Green, or Homemade. We're probably about 70% there.
- We joined a gym several months ago and invested in Personal Trainers so we learn how to exercise and DON'T hurt ourselves. (Hubby has a pretty severe back injury and that limits his progress because of moves he simply cannot do. I have lost 5 lbs of fat and gained 5 lbs of muscle in 5 months.)
- I see my Naturopath regularly & have built a good relationship with her. I receive treatment in acupuncture and TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine). I will go into more detail about this later as its a big part of the direction journey has taken.
- Progress and enthusiasm has been slowed by an extremely difficult year. Hubby's Grandfather passed last May (2010), my father passed in August, my Grandmother in November, and my Uncle just a few weeks ago.
These are sort of "the big rocks" that have occurred since I last wrote - with the exception of the one all consuming, all encompassing reason for all of it......we are trying to have a child...have been for 16 months....and have not been able to conceive. I didn't bring it up before, perhaps hoping that simple changes in diet & lifestyle would result in a pregnancy. They didn't, haven't, and its time to go deeper on so many levels.
The Fertility Summary looks like this
- I had 2 miscarriages in a previous relationship. One at 9 weeks, one at 14. These occurred in 2004.
- Regular cycles 98% of the time since age 13.
- In January 2010 Hubby and I go to Cuba for our 'last hurrah'. We are going to start trying when we get home.
- Period late in Feb 2010. Take pregnancy test - negative. A week later still no period. Take another test - negative. Call MD - sends me for lab pregnancy test - negative. Diagnosis - just a late cycle.
- March - still no period, but almost daily dark sparse spotting.
- April - same as above. Book appointment with MD. Sends me for blood work another lab pregnancy test - negative. Blood work indicates Anaemia. Thyroid shows normal. Diagnosis - just wait it out.
- April - see Naturopath (ND) for the first time. She takes me off dairy, orders more specific thyroid tests, puts me on a gentle thyroid support supplement, begins TCM treatment with herbs, and does acupuncture.
- May - a period! Wow, what a period! Hits me like a MAC Truck & lasts 7 days - but its a period! ND has me start recording BBT & we continue with treatment.
- June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec....periods normalize. My BBT is lower than normal (taken at 5am its in the 35 degree area). I get night sweats (not every night, but pretty regularly). No real 'spike' or ovulation indicators being picked up. ND feels yin/yang are way out of balance & we need to focus on finding my balance.
- January 2011 - irregular periods begin again. Every 6 or so weeks in general, occasional spotting. CM (cervical mucous) almost non-existent and no EWCM (egg white CM). The toll of the difficult year is starting to be felt. I begin training at the gym which offers some relief. It has now been a year, so ND advises to see MD as they will take more action now that we have been trying for a year unsuccessfully.
- MD seems enthusiastic about helping/discovering if there are issues. Orders thorough blood tests. I get a call a couple of days later from the Md's office asking if I'm experiencing 'black urine' and that if I am I need to go to the emergency room. I advise them that I am not experiencing anything of the sort and that if I was I would have already been to the emergency room! Apparently my 'creatine' level was high. Its a muscle enzyme. I advise them I have been working out. They advised that can happen, but I needed to stop working out for a week and take the blood test again. I did so. They called back and advised that all was well and the creatine levels were back to normal. I asked "Great - what about everything else?". "What do you mean?" they asked. "The blood tests were originally ordered because we're trying to conceive and can't" I replied. "Oh - I'll have to check with the doctor and get back to you". OK.
- A few days later I get a call from the Md's office. "Your creatine levels are fine, you have nothing more to worry about." "I know that" I said "but what about my fertility concerns?". "What do you mean?" they asked. I repeat the initial reason for the tests once again. "Oh - I'll have to check with the doctor and get back to you". OK...
- A few days later I get a call from the Md's office. "Your creatine levels are fine, you have nothing more to worry about." OK. Enough. I lose it - as gently as I am able to. I explain once again the whole point of it all. I explain how this back & forth & their inability to see how it affects me, is affecting me. I suggest that I may need to be referred to a specialist and that I would like the MD to look at the blood tests re: FERTILITY INDICATORS and take appropriate action. I advise I do not want to wait as the chances are that a specialist's waiting list is going to be very long, so I want to get on it right away! The receptionist says she understands, will speak with the doctor and get back to me by the end of the day.
- She calls back & says that if I want to go to a fertility specialist I need to arrange it myself - there is no referral. (???). OK, fine. I check the Internet and there is a clinic in my town that is apparently one of the best in Canada. Their site looks good, seems very compassionate - sounds like just what we need. You must be referred by a family doctor - there is a form to be completed. (BTW - my MD is retiring in July & a new MD is taking over his practice. Can't wait.). I print off the referral form & fax it to my Md's office with a clear letter advising them of what they need to do and that I need it done by the end of the week. They do it.
- I get a letter from the clinic and I have an appointment booked late August (it is March or so at this time). I fill in the masses of forms they send along. In the meantime I continue with ND, Acupuncture, etc.
- May - I get a call from clinic they have a cancellation & can take me that week. YAY! We gather all of our info & I have a whole file ready to go over with the doctor to show my cycles, temperatures, discharge, etc etc etc. I'm thinking I'm so prepared she will be impressed and we'll get right to the bottom of what is happening.
- We go into appointment, nurse weighs me, takes BP, etc. Hubby stays in waiting room & pays for appt & fills out more forms. I come back into waiting room to wait for doctor.
- We get called in. Doctor introduces herself. She is barely intelligible - muttering under her breath, slurring & appears as though she could drop off to sleep at any moment. I think she either was up all night in a delivery or something, or else she must be drunk.
- She asks a few basic questions. Asks "whats this naturopath doing?". I proudly open up my folder with all my BBT charts, all testing results, ND program info. She sort of 'huffs' and says 'well you can stop doing that now its probably just causing you more stress'. She asks - "has your doctor spoken to you about FSH?". I said no - but that my ND has & did tell me that it was high on the blood test results and said she is proceeding in a manner trying to get my ovaries to start 'listening'. I said I really didn't know too much about it beyond that. She said yes, my FSH is quite high (37 at day 13)according to the tests my MD ordered.
- She went on to explain the clinic's process & that on the first day of my next period I am to call them. They will set an appointment for me to come in and have blood drawn on day 3. The rest of the process is a blur now as a result of the information that followed. She took us back into a room with the nurse & said the nurse will walk you through the process in more detail & give you the papers that tell you what to do. Then, as she's leaving the room, she turns to me and says "and you know that if the FSH comes back high after the first blood test then we stop everything there? There will be no further treatment.".
- ................................................................................................what?.......................................
- I brace. The nurse looks at me. I sit. She asks "is this new information for you?" "yes". "Yes, I'm sorry, but if the FSH is high then the only alternative is to look for an egg donor, and we are not legally able to assist you in that process."
- She goes through some sort of info. Hubby handles it. I am somewhere else....in shock.
- I spend several days in shock. I read up on FSH on the internet. I read up on egg donation (though I don't want to go there. I want MY child. Mine & my husbands.). I learn maybe more than I want to know. I also learn that many clinics are thought to be too quick to write off women with high FSH and that they don't want to take them on as patients because they aren't good for their stats. I learn FSH at 37 is astoundingly high.
- I go back to ND. Hubby comes along. She listens. She is sorry we had that experience. She explains that in TCM there is no real acknowledgement of FSH. She views it as an indicator that for some reason the ovaries are not listening. From her perspective we need to wake them up. She recommends that we continue with the acupuncture & herbs, but take a more aggressive approach & try to create an environment of total balance and health in my body, giving the ovaries their best opportunity to do their jobs. This sounds reasonable to me.
So at this point, I am awaiting the results of a food sensitivity test, so that we can do a targeted cleanse & create a specific diet. I am working out 3x a week, taking my herbs, drinking herbal teas, no caffeine or alcohol, getting acupuncture weekly, taking my BBT at 5 every morning, watching CM & praying for EWCM & an on cycle temperature spike, making sure I get good sleep, and trying to figure out 'meditation' of some kind to bring myself 'down'. I am running hot - too much yang. Need to bring in some yin & find my balance.
I feel really good right now. Better than I ever have - physically anyway I'm the strongest I've been in my life. Emotionally......that's another story. I'm up and down. I'm 37. 38 in the fall. I don't want to wait. I don't want to delay. If I need to get an egg donor, I want to know and just get on with the process. But there is no guarantee in that that I will even get pregnant with that process. Its just IVF with someone else's eggs. Adoption is such a long, painful, expensive process too. Many times I feel lost, helpless and deeply, deeply sad. Others I feel optimistic & hopeful.
Now you, dear reader (though I have none at this point & maybe won't ever), are caught up. And the clock ticks on...
