Wishing love, light and healing to all of us.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
CD 56 and Horoscope
Yep. CD 56. Haven't bothered to POanotherS. Did so Monday. BFN. Yep.
Horoscope today says "Be prepared to expect the unexpected, and don't be surprised if someone ends up telling you something that you've been hoping to hear".
Well....here's hoping that I hear what I've been hoping to hear.
Horoscope today says "Be prepared to expect the unexpected, and don't be surprised if someone ends up telling you something that you've been hoping to hear".
Well....here's hoping that I hear what I've been hoping to hear.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Introducing Dr. Cutie
I'll admit it. I have a bit of a thing for nerds.
Remember Dr. Green from the original ER cast? Ummm....YUMMY! Forget George Clooney! Anthony Edwards made my toes curl - and still sends things aflutter in me when I think of him. Dr. Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory? Yes please!!!
I know its kind of strange.....but that's just me. My husband chuckles a little uncomfortably when I gush over a quirky, cute nerd on TV. He worries that makes him a nerd too, since of course I find hubby unbearably attractive. I reassure him that although he does have some nerd-ish elements (which I do find strangely hot), he's a 6'4" manly man rock star truck guy! (grunt!)
So.... I think I might have a wee bit of a crush on my new family Doctor.
AWKWARD!
He is young as far as doctors go. Right about my age I would guess. Hubby came to the appointment with me and Dr. Cutie entered and I could see hubby's reaction - he gave me a little knowing smirk and a shake of the head. Sigh - he knows me too well!
Dr. Cutie introduced himself and said "So you're here to discuss fertility issues. Whats been happening so far?".
I pulled out my files (I caught a slight flinch of surprise from him at the amount of well organized paper I pulled out!). I explained that I was on CD 54 (now 55...but who's counting), that we'd begun trying January 2010, that my cycles could have been timed with a stopwatch before that but after we began trying I stopped having cycles for 4 months. I explained the last year and a half of super irregular cycles, acupuncture, naturopathy (he did not blink an eye at this - I felt no 'judgement' from him), chiropractic, supplementation, etc. Explained the night sweats since I was 30 that have stopped since doing the naturopathy & acupuncture, but that I do still get 'waves' of heat. I don't feel that they are really 'hot flashes' as they feel milder than what other women describe (although, come to think of it, I also have quite a high pain threshold, so maybe my judgement is out of whack there....maybe what I experience as mild is really quite intense for other women...).
When I proceeded to the part about going to the specialist in May, I said... "I went to an appointment with.....and I'm sorry if you know her, but.....that HORRIBLE woman over at X Clinic." I explained how we were treated and written off and he said that he's not surprised, that its not the first he's heard stories like that.
After telling my tale (during which he took endless notes on his Mac computer....I LOVE nerds!), I explained that I wanted some answers and I wanted him to run a battery of tests on me. I said I want to be checked for PCOS, Ovarian Reserve and check my tubes, and that I want a requisition for day 3 blood work.
He explained, sort of, that you can't really 'test' for PCOS...you just diagnose it if cysts appear consistently, and that you don't really 'treat' it either. He expained every woman gets cysts now & then. That sort of let some wind out of my sails a bit. (Does anyone know, as I forgot to ask, is it still possible to retrieve my own eggs for IVF if I do indeed have PCOS?)
He said that as for the other stuff, we'll run some tests. He gave me the blood work requisition & also added another for mid-cycle. He said since my cycles are so irregular and since I've kept such detailed records, that I should average out the length of my cycles for the last year and a half. Whatever that average # is, divide it by 2 and then add 2. So if the average is 30, then I go for a second round of blood work on day 17 (15+2). He figures with such irregular cycles that's the best guess we have right now of 2 days after ovulation - although it is a long shot.
Also, he gave me a requisition for 3 ultrasounds - 1 pelvic, 1 trans vaginal, and 1 sonohysterogram which is apparently the one where they check my tubes. The requisition notes say "37F (I think that means 37 yr old female) Fertility workup, oligomenorhea. R/O uterine, tubal pathology" I looked up Ogliomenhorhea if you are interested :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oligomenorrhea
He then added something to the effect of "The difficult thing about fertility problems is that we often don't figure out what is happening or why. So we can run these tests and it may just show that everything SHOULD be working just fine. We may never find out why it isn't."
Bummer. Big, Ugly, Smelly, Pimply, Bummer.
But I liked him. So did Hubby. He might even take Hubby on as a patient which would be SO nice. We assured him that he is very low maintenance.
So now, next week, I go get poked and probed...and I am SO hopeful that the pictures will tell us exactly what the problem is and that there is a way to fix it.
Then, once again, I will be relying on my trusty nerds to take care of it all for me!
Hugs.
~SCS
Monday, August 15, 2011
Thankful
First I'm thankful for the additions of a couple of new friends, Brenda at Hope Springs Infertile: Now with 2 Little Sprouts, and Becca at Beccasfamilyof5 to my blog. Thank you for joining me and I SO look forward to getting to know each of you.
Second I'm thankful to Missy at My Unglorious Life for teaching me how to follow people who don't have a follow button! (THAT was frustrating!!!)
Third, I'm thankful that I'm feeling good today.
Its a very busy time right now as so much is happening in our lives.
Of course, IF is always there. But we try not to dwell, if we can. We are also in the process of screening applicants for our basement apartment - always a nerve wracking time. My poor garden is showing how neglected its been this year, not to mention the weather extremes it has been put through by mother nature. I'm taking on a few singing students for the fall in order to make some grocery money - but I've lost all of my materials and have to re-write all of my handouts from scratch, as well as my curriculum.
And, I'm 99% certain I am going back to school in November. There are a lot of preparations that have to be made in order to make that happen - not the least of which is sorting out our finances. So I've spent the last week bringing all of our financials up to date and down on spreadsheets so I can see the whole picture. Wow - its not a pretty one. We overspend - huge. A big chunk is all of my expenses for Naturopath, Accupuncture, Chiropractor & all the supplements that go along with that. Another big chunk is eating out at restaurants. As I've said, I love food, and I would almost venture to say that I'm a hairs breadth from being a food addict. Really. I have some sort of emotional attachment to it that I have to come to terms with.
On the bright side, though, by looking at all of this now I see so much opportunity for us. Its going to be a very hard couple of years while I am in school, keeping the purse strings tight - but if we succeed in following the budget I have laid out then at the end of it all we should be in a really great place - better than I thought we could ever be in. In fact, we should be able to pay off my (HOPEFULLY GETTING ONE) student loan within the 6 months that you need to after graduating before they begin to charge interest!
So...I don't know what this optimistic streak is all about right now. We are scrounging for money and things will get worse before they get better. Its CD 53, I exhibit classic signs of being menopausal at age 37 (38 in a couple months...sigh), I don't feel at all optimistic about the prospects or possibility of being able to have my own genetic child with my husband and that breaks my heart.
And yet today....I feel light. I feel energized. I feel like almost....ALMOST...anything could be possible....
I surely hope that anything is.
Hugs all
Second I'm thankful to Missy at My Unglorious Life for teaching me how to follow people who don't have a follow button! (THAT was frustrating!!!)
Third, I'm thankful that I'm feeling good today.
Its a very busy time right now as so much is happening in our lives.
Of course, IF is always there. But we try not to dwell, if we can. We are also in the process of screening applicants for our basement apartment - always a nerve wracking time. My poor garden is showing how neglected its been this year, not to mention the weather extremes it has been put through by mother nature. I'm taking on a few singing students for the fall in order to make some grocery money - but I've lost all of my materials and have to re-write all of my handouts from scratch, as well as my curriculum.
And, I'm 99% certain I am going back to school in November. There are a lot of preparations that have to be made in order to make that happen - not the least of which is sorting out our finances. So I've spent the last week bringing all of our financials up to date and down on spreadsheets so I can see the whole picture. Wow - its not a pretty one. We overspend - huge. A big chunk is all of my expenses for Naturopath, Accupuncture, Chiropractor & all the supplements that go along with that. Another big chunk is eating out at restaurants. As I've said, I love food, and I would almost venture to say that I'm a hairs breadth from being a food addict. Really. I have some sort of emotional attachment to it that I have to come to terms with.
On the bright side, though, by looking at all of this now I see so much opportunity for us. Its going to be a very hard couple of years while I am in school, keeping the purse strings tight - but if we succeed in following the budget I have laid out then at the end of it all we should be in a really great place - better than I thought we could ever be in. In fact, we should be able to pay off my (HOPEFULLY GETTING ONE) student loan within the 6 months that you need to after graduating before they begin to charge interest!
So...I don't know what this optimistic streak is all about right now. We are scrounging for money and things will get worse before they get better. Its CD 53, I exhibit classic signs of being menopausal at age 37 (38 in a couple months...sigh), I don't feel at all optimistic about the prospects or possibility of being able to have my own genetic child with my husband and that breaks my heart.
And yet today....I feel light. I feel energized. I feel like almost....ALMOST...anything could be possible....
I surely hope that anything is.
Hugs all
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Blogger Award Response - A Blog With Substance
Thank you so, so very much to One Perfect Emby (who's blog is terrific!) for nominating me for this award - my very first!!! Its so exciting!!
Ok - so I guess the rules are that I am to share 7 things about myself that you all might not know, and then nominate 7 followers to carry the award on. The challenge is that I only have 5 followers at this point, and one of them is the person who nominated me! So, I shall nominate the others and hope that as my blog grows so will the number of people who are touched in some way by my story.
7 things about myself:
1) I am a Pescatarian - meaning I eat a bit of seafood, but no meat or poultry
2) I am totally a type-A personality. A wee bit controlling and obsessive. My heart is always in the right place but sometimes I know I can put people off with it.
3) I love to cook - I experiment with recipes all the time & its incredibly rare that anything processed comes into our house. I'm very particular about eating REAL food!
4) I have written about 100 songs (my best guess) - 2 of which have appeared in films (one was a major motion picture with a big hollywood star - he's not so much anymore though)
5) I obsess a bit about food. I love to eat.
6) I've never been off the continent (North America), but I dream of going to Italy, France & Spain (as well as many other places!)
7) I have many visions of what my "picture perfect life" looks like. They all involve a child. One is a country home on a few acres with a big organic garden. Another is owning a little cafe in a small town serving wonderful food. Another is travelling the globe playing music, writing, and of course, eating!
Now - nominations.....
Well, the only other blog that I follow that follows me that didn't nominate me is:
~SCS
Ok - so I guess the rules are that I am to share 7 things about myself that you all might not know, and then nominate 7 followers to carry the award on. The challenge is that I only have 5 followers at this point, and one of them is the person who nominated me! So, I shall nominate the others and hope that as my blog grows so will the number of people who are touched in some way by my story.
7 things about myself:
1) I am a Pescatarian - meaning I eat a bit of seafood, but no meat or poultry
2) I am totally a type-A personality. A wee bit controlling and obsessive. My heart is always in the right place but sometimes I know I can put people off with it.
3) I love to cook - I experiment with recipes all the time & its incredibly rare that anything processed comes into our house. I'm very particular about eating REAL food!
4) I have written about 100 songs (my best guess) - 2 of which have appeared in films (one was a major motion picture with a big hollywood star - he's not so much anymore though)
5) I obsess a bit about food. I love to eat.
6) I've never been off the continent (North America), but I dream of going to Italy, France & Spain (as well as many other places!)
7) I have many visions of what my "picture perfect life" looks like. They all involve a child. One is a country home on a few acres with a big organic garden. Another is owning a little cafe in a small town serving wonderful food. Another is travelling the globe playing music, writing, and of course, eating!
Now - nominations.....
Well, the only other blog that I follow that follows me that didn't nominate me is:
- Late for a Very Important Pregancy
- melissac24
- J Smith
- Lani
~SCS
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
CD41 and BFN (again).
fuck.
POAS today. Last week I would have said for sure that it would be a BFN, so I didn't POAS. Then yesterday....I began to hope...
fuck.
My last cycle was 43 days - so I'm thinking AF will be here soon. Hope so. I'm ready to start on the next round.
Looking forward to the appointment with Dr. Young Guy in 2 weeks. I think those questions (see last post) all need to be answered. I'm still open to receiving thoughts about further questions to raise to him if anyone out there can think of any for me to ask.
I've met with the admissions person at the school I'm considering. It all looks good. I just have to figure out the balance so that we don't starve to death while I'm in school. I've put an ad up to give voice lessons - hopefully there are some takers. I'm also hoping my current employer will be supportive and allow me to work part time whenever possible. If anyone out there needs a freelance art project done (computer or hand illustration, realistic or cartoon (any style), photography, logos & business card design, portraits, etc....) please shoot me a comment and I will send you the website link for my husband's business.
I confessed our IF struggles to one of my very best girlfriends this past week. We talked a long time she was of course wonderful. Egg donation came up. She said that she knows a woman who donated eggs and when she (my friend) heard about it she thought to herself (this was years ago) "who would I do that for if it ever came to that?". She said that I was one of the 3 people she would do it for. She said she knows that we're not at that place yet and that she knows we will get pregnant ourselves, but that if it came down to it, she would do it, if she were a good candidate. I thanked her, from the bottom of my heart. I'm not sure how I feel about it though.
I told my mother about it. My mom thinks its great (if it came to that) since my friend and I are such similar people - very alike in our values, likes, dislikes & talents. I said "But I don't know if I could get over the thought that it would be my husband and my best friend's baby". I don't know if I would hurt to my core every time I looked at "my" child. I just don't know.
I hope what I've said is not being insensitive to anyone out there who has gone the donor egg route. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. If it comes down to that being our only option - then I will do it - and I respect and admire anyone who has had the strength to do it. I'm just new to the idea that this might be a route that we will have to take. I'm still trying to emotionally grasp that I may not be able to have a child of my own genetics. I hope I do not offend.
Geez....this whole thing sucks.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
POAS today. Last week I would have said for sure that it would be a BFN, so I didn't POAS. Then yesterday....I began to hope...
fuck.
My last cycle was 43 days - so I'm thinking AF will be here soon. Hope so. I'm ready to start on the next round.
Looking forward to the appointment with Dr. Young Guy in 2 weeks. I think those questions (see last post) all need to be answered. I'm still open to receiving thoughts about further questions to raise to him if anyone out there can think of any for me to ask.
I've met with the admissions person at the school I'm considering. It all looks good. I just have to figure out the balance so that we don't starve to death while I'm in school. I've put an ad up to give voice lessons - hopefully there are some takers. I'm also hoping my current employer will be supportive and allow me to work part time whenever possible. If anyone out there needs a freelance art project done (computer or hand illustration, realistic or cartoon (any style), photography, logos & business card design, portraits, etc....) please shoot me a comment and I will send you the website link for my husband's business.
I confessed our IF struggles to one of my very best girlfriends this past week. We talked a long time she was of course wonderful. Egg donation came up. She said that she knows a woman who donated eggs and when she (my friend) heard about it she thought to herself (this was years ago) "who would I do that for if it ever came to that?". She said that I was one of the 3 people she would do it for. She said she knows that we're not at that place yet and that she knows we will get pregnant ourselves, but that if it came down to it, she would do it, if she were a good candidate. I thanked her, from the bottom of my heart. I'm not sure how I feel about it though.
I told my mother about it. My mom thinks its great (if it came to that) since my friend and I are such similar people - very alike in our values, likes, dislikes & talents. I said "But I don't know if I could get over the thought that it would be my husband and my best friend's baby". I don't know if I would hurt to my core every time I looked at "my" child. I just don't know.
I hope what I've said is not being insensitive to anyone out there who has gone the donor egg route. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. If it comes down to that being our only option - then I will do it - and I respect and admire anyone who has had the strength to do it. I'm just new to the idea that this might be a route that we will have to take. I'm still trying to emotionally grasp that I may not be able to have a child of my own genetics. I hope I do not offend.
Geez....this whole thing sucks.
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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