First, thank you so much to Glass Case of Emotion, One Perfect Emby, and to darling Maddy for your kind comments. You've helped pull me out of a helpless, self-pitying slump that I would have wollowed in alone for weeks. I cannot thank you enough.
And as Maddy suggested - its time to get the facts!
All I know about my IF up to this point is that we've been trying for 18 months now with no success, and that I had a day 13 blood test that showed very high FSH. I've been charting my BBT for almost a year (sadly, no real distinguishable patterns), but was pretty lax with it at first. I've begun using Fertility Friend to chart and have actually started taking my temp vaginally just about a week ago, which is actually producing more stable temperatures. I've been seeing a naturopath for a little over a year now and getting accupuncture, and I have just begun getting Chiropractic treatments. My diet is about 90% really good and 10% slip ups. I exercize regularly but not OVERLY intensely. Physically I am starting to feel the best that I have in my whole life.
So.... my long time family doctor just retired last month. I have a new family doctor now - a young fellow apparently. I have booked an appointment in hopes to get a more proactive, supportive reaction. I'm hoping to develop a relationship where he becomes at least slightly invested in my achieving pregnancy! Or at least that he will care a teeny tiny bit. Or perhaps even show some empathy. Maybe he would even make suggestions, or, I don't know (and this might just be too radical a thought) maybe provide some medical advice??? I know I'm reaching, but here's hoping.
I've booked an appointment. I see him August 16th. The receptionist asked whether my husband would be joining me. I said "I don't think so - my husband is not a patient in the office. We've been trying to get him in for years, but Dr. Old Guy wouldn't take him on as a patient.". "Well," she said, "bring your husband along. Its good for everyone to be on the same page in this. The doctor will likely want some information from him. Its also good moral support for you". (my jaw hit the floor, I think. I've never had kindness like that from my doctor's office!). Anyway - we're booked and its on!
I have begun a list of questions and things I want to ask for. PLEASE if you have any other suggestions let me know. I want to be THOROUGH in this investigation so that we can really know what we are working with (other than a Yin deficiency!).
So far my list is:
- Requisition for blood tests covering all possible hormones/deficiencies linked to conception troubles. (I will go get the blood drawn on day 3 of my cycle, in order to get an accurate FSH)
- AMH Blood test for Ovarian Reserve
- Ultrasound for Ovarian Reserve & possible cysts
- Check Fallopian Tubes - not just the fluid but actually looking to ensure they are clear
Again, PLEASE let me know if you think there is anything more I should be asking about.
I have to thank the other blogs that I have been reading or I wouldn't even know about these things, really. I still don't really know what some of these things are/how they work in the grand scheme of conception. I just know that its time for me to start expecting that those I'm going to for help with this ACTUALLY do thier jobs and actively help me!
On another note....I've booked an appointment with an admissions officer at a Post Secondary school locally. I've been doing a lot of soul searching about 'the rest of my life'. I want to be a Mom more than anything....but I also want to be fulfilled in what I do in life. The program I'm looking into is 2 years - full time. Its an intense program. I would not be able to work - so basically Hubby and I would not be able to afford to live. Not sure how that is going to work out... But if we can work out the financial side of things (not even opposed to borrowing - which other than our mortgage we have never done), then on the other side of school would be a far greater income than I can generate right now - and let me tell you, a hell of a lot more satisfaction as well. We would be able to be back on track within a year or so.
I know - is this the right time to go back to school? I'm supposed to stay stress free in order to get pregnant. And what if I were to get pregnant in the middle of all of this? Well, it would be a challenge to work through. But wouldn't that just mean that I'd be getting EVERYTHING I wanted? I'll be 38 when the program starts. I'll be 40 when I graduate (if I enroll). I don't want to wait another year just in case I get pregnant. I've been waiting for things to happen to me ALL MY FREAKING LIFE!!!! I've got to make things happen.
Before its too late.
So, you thought I had dropped off the face of the Earth. Well, almost. I was pretending to be a post-woman for a little over a week. Really. Covering for someone who has a rural route (they are responsible for finding and training their own coverage for their vacations). So 12 hour days (mail volumes huge as we've just come off a mail strike), physical pain, bruises, and a $1200 car repair later, I've resurfaced. I've decided I don't want to be a post-woman when I grow up.
Lets see...last post I wondered if perhaps I was experiencing Ovulation signs. I'm not so sure now - in fact, I'm pretty sure that's a no.
I spotted that day (CD13), then took a couple of days off before beginning another marathon spotting event that lasted from CD 16 to 23. In case you are trying to count that's 8 days of spotting. Dark & brownish and just enough for a pantyliner to handle daily. My BBT chart on FF looks like 3 year old's drawing of a mountain range and I'm exuding a lot of heat from about 4 or 5 am to about 7 (not heat wave related. With the amount of heat I'm emitting I could actually be the source of this supposed 'heat dome' hovering over the continent. Sorry y'all.).
So, I'm now on CD 29 & feel no real need to take an HPT. I know I'm not pregnant. I don't think I can get pregnant. I can't believe I've robbed myself of this by waiting so long. Its such a helpless, hopeless feeling.
Also, I'm in this emotional crisis where I am examining my life and not knowing what the hell to do with myself & my life.
I'm 37 years old. I'm a smart person, reasonably. I'm attractive, reasonably. I'm in decent shape, reasonably. I have many skills and interests that I'm reasonably good at. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. The problem with that is that I'm WELL beyond grown up and my body smugly reminds me of this daily when I wake up and remember that I'm not a Mom and won't be because I'm too old and shrivelled to be.
My husband is an amazingly talented artist and in the past year has built up a business around that that is starting to bring in an ok income. He's on the track of his passion and its working out wonderfully and I am SO proud of him and happy for him.
Me, on the other hand.... well, some background first...
I never went to university, but instead moved out west and did the 'finding myself' thing which basically meant I floated for a year and a half. When I came back I got a quick job in a factory, which led to a job in their offices, where I developed some skills for about 3 years. Then I got a job with a big company in their call centre. I spent 10 years with that company and went from customer service rep to manager of the department. I left 4 years ago for 2 reasons: 1) I didn't want to 'grow' any further - the pressure of my job was enough. My leadership wanted me to keep climbing and there was a lot of pressure there and I became very unhappy. 2) I met my now-husband through music circles. Both of us being independent singer-songwriters, we formed a duo and decided that if we were ever going to take time off to record a CD, tour & do the whole musician thing, we'd better get on it, because we were "getting older". I was 33. God I wish I was 33 again.
So I quit the big corporation, got a part time, flexible job in a small construction office, and 'followed my dream' - sort of. I enjoy music. Its part of me. I just do it. I'm not really all that passionate about it. The closest I get to passionate about it is when I'm singing. It doesn't matter if I'm singing my own stuff or a cover of "Natural Woman" or "Black Velvet" - I really love that moment of just singing. But I wouldn't say it's my 'dream'. Now the small company is slowing down as the owner prepares for retirement, my husband has decided to fly solo & be self employed, and I need to earn some money, have benefits and hopefully some sort of pension (or at least make enough money to put $ away for retirement). I DON'T want to go back to a large corporation. I'd like to actually enjoy what I do and feel value in what I'm doing.
So that's the career side of things. Tangled up in all of this were 2 miscarriages (2004 with my ex), a divorce, and basically resigning myself that I would be alone and childless for the rest of my life (as is customary for old maids of 32 who choose to end their marriages). Then I met the hero of my world and man of my dreams. We decided to follow our artistic spirits and in doing so, made the conscious decision not to have children. At the time, we thought our choices were "normal" life with corporate 9-5 jobs and the house in the suburbs & kids, OR follow the music muse. After many tears and late nights and back and forth discussions we decided that neither of our spirits would be satisfied if we didn't get out there and TRY IT when it came to the music.
So there you go. I CHOSE not to have babies when I could. I'm getting what I asked for. What I deserve.
I even wrote a song about my choice which I have never been able to get through without crying - and still can't to this day.
I may never see your face
I may never know your soft embrace
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be
You may never greet the dawn
You may never know your home
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be
I can't forget, I might regret
Turning you away
But time keeps rolling past, some chances they don't last
So I'll cry a tear every day.....every day
You may never see the light
I may never get it right
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be
I'm getting what I asked for, I guess. Its all my fault.
I'm not sure whether to be excited or not. Here is the checklist of what my body has been doing the last few days...
- I'm on CD13
- CM - last couple days its been ok. Not GREAT. No EWCM as of yet. But at least there was some which is more than I can say for the last year or so.
- A teeny tiny bit of pink spotting today. I looked that up & it says it can be a sign of ovulation.
- Last 24 hours or so very mild lower abdominal cramping.
- No temperature spike in BBT.
- Very 'on the verge of weepy' the last couple of days. I've welled up at just about every news report I've heard/seen.
What do you think? Is there a chance I could actually be ovulating, or am I getting my hopes up without enough evidence?
Oh - and also, should I stop working out if I am ovulating??
~SCS
There really is nothing like it. I highly recommend it. If you can manage it.
Sadly - its one of those things...you TRY not to think about it...you just think about it more.
I had a wonderful weekend away with hubby in our nearby metropolitan area. It was glorious. We stayed with friends, we ate great food, we saw a ball game & toured a beautiful old district of the city which was reopened a few years ago and now is full of galleries and artisans and a WONDERFUL chocolate shop. I had their specialty - an intense drink of spicy hot chocolate, thick and rich and sexy. I also sampled some of their house made gelato...blueberry basil (yes...it was brilliant!), and lemon sour cream (bliss!). We also went to the 'cool' shopping strip and I got some nice bath things (normally I make my own as I have such sensitive skin that I react to most commercial cosmetics - but this place uses all natural stuff - the same bases that I use really - but they do it SUPER PRETTY!), a beautiful turqoise pendant that I can't stop admiring, and PINK CONVERSE ALL STAR HI-TOPS for my 3 year old neice! Oh, she is going to LOVE them!
It was so incredibly restorative. Just what my soul needed. Now I'm back home and rockin' the program with a positive attitude.
I haven't really had much CM in the last year or so....but the last couple of days I have had a wee bit. Its CD 11 right now. So based on what I've read thats a pretty good sign. I guess I have to watch for EWCM in the coming days & that would be a good indicator that I might actually ovulate this cycle! Wouldn't THAT be something! I truly hope that is the only thing that is preventing us from achieving pregnancy. Hubby's swimmers are good and I have been pregnant before - 2 miscarriages, 7 years ago. My period came back after being gone for months. Maybe my ovulation can come back too!
I really hope that I can stay in this positive place for the next few months. My body seems to be responding well to it! My mantra for the next several days:
"My body is preparing for pregnancy. It is about to release a strong, healthy egg which will become fertilized, implant in a healthy uterine lining and settle itself in for a 9 month stay!"
(keep repeating until it happens)
I'm hurting myself. I'm winding myself into such a tight knot of stress that I'm about to burst at any moment. I have to stop.
I have spent the last 2 weeks in a cyclone of emotion and I've dragged my poor husband through the wringer with me.
I'm worried that I won't have a child. I need to be focused on the positive right now. Its early in my IF journey, really and we don't even KNOW a lot of the clinical stuff yet. I haven't even had a day 3 blood analysis, to determine whether my FSH really is high. And right now the decision is not to do one. Not yet, anyway. Right now I'm supposed to be bolstering my wellness. Focusing on my body, mind and spirit and becoming as healthy, vibrant and vital as I can make myself. But there is a time limit to this...I know...and it looms and depresses and worries me.
The reading I've been doing is stressing me out. Its making me think about all the challenges that I might have to face & I don't know if I can do it. I love the blogs I've found and I want to know more about these amazing women and understand the strength that they have so that I may have it too. But I think I have to stop. Or slow down, anyway. As I read, I feel my heart becoming heavy, my chest closing in, and my throat developing a hard lump. I've got so little to do at work (a frustration in itself, which I may get to in another post) these days that I sit and read and get more and more tense throughout the day. Then by the time I get home I'm walking a stress tightrope that I know I'm going to fall off of. My poor husband gets the brunt of it. He works from home and he is working very very hard at launching his own business...but I come home and there are dishes, laundry, crumbs on the counter, vacuuming, cat litter, etc...and that's all it takes to send me over the edge. I crash & bang my way through the house. I can imagine what a jerk I look like.
The back room that I had been doing my meditation in was junky and full of boxes & just disorganized. It's been our catch all room for anything we don't really know what to do with or just haven't gotten to. The other day I came home and all the boxes were cleared away. 2 tables were set in the corners draped with pretty fabric, with little lamps set on them. An incense burner and 2 calming scents of incense were set out. A couple of nice cushions on the floor and a beautiful new soft blanket. Some books on the Tao, Meditation, Poetry placed carefully on the shelves. My old ghetto blaster set up with my meditation CD in it. My husband is my favorite person in the whole world. I don't deserve him.
Yesterday I went to my naturopath for an acupuncture appointment. My food sensitivity tests had come back & it appears that I'm in pretty good shape food wise. My body can comfortably assimilate just about anything. The only thing I have to steer clear of is Eggs. I get a mild reaction to them - so I'm not supposed to have them. If they are in something I buy, no big deal, but I shouldn't have 'true' eggs, and if I'm baking I should use an egg replacer. So I'm all good in that area. But I just broke down in her office & wept. I know its stress. That's exactly what it is. And I know I'm holding things in which just makes it build. We didn't get to acupuncture before her next client showed who was her last client of the day. She told me to come back after her last appointment and she would stay and give me a treatment. In the reception room I paid the receptionist & told her to charge me for 2 appointments as I'd be coming back. So I paid & came back & got my treatment. Then she told me she wasn't charging me for the earlier time, so she'd applied a credit to my account. That was sweet. I needed that kindness.
I got home and had a great talk with Hubby & apologized for being like the 3 faces of Eve recently. He understood. He just wants me to relax. He is so confident that this will happen for us. He knows we will have 2 children. I will be thrilled with just one.
And the dreams....well, I had another one last night. Strange how the dreams have resurfaced after so long an absence. I dreamed that my work gave me a cheque for $75,000.00. Not sure why -they just did. They were giving everyone big cheques. Actually everyone was getting 2 cheques but I only got one, and they thought I would be upset about that but I didn't care because, hey, its $75,000.00 - why complain! Maybe its a lesson to make the most of the hand you are dealt....to be happy with what is given you instead of focusing on what is not.
So, I will still read your blogs & slowly get to know you all...but only a little at a time...only what my heart and head can handle at once. I will continue to write my own...I find it therapeutic. I hope you will find something of value in it for you, as well.
Peace
~SCS
I don't know if anyone can help, but I do hope that if you are reading this that you will.
I have been trying to follow a few blogs that I have found, but I can't! There is no option to, no follow button on the blog!
I don't really understand how this all works, I guess.
On a couple I was able to 'subscribe' but then it took me to a Google reader thing and that's where I will apparently see updates. I don't really want that. I want the blog to appear in my 'blogs I follow' list on my dashboard so that I can see when someone has written a new post.
This also concerns me that others can't follow my blog. I clicked on 'what is following' and it gave instructions on how to add a 'follow' button to my blog, by going to the 'layout' tab on the dashboard.....but there is no such tab!
I'm seriously confused! HELP, please!
I used to dream vividly and remember my dreams very clearly. I can remember dreams from my childhood and in my younger years I used to have recurring dreams. I haven't had recurring dreams in many years, nor have I had very vivid dreams as frequently as I used to. I haven't dreamed much in the past several years at all, to be honest.
The last 2 nights I have had vivid dreams.
Last night I had a dream that I was sorting mail for our Canadian Postal System. For some background on this, I have been 'floating' in the last couple of years or so trying to decide what career I would like to settle down into. I will post more details of that in another post. At any rate, one of my thoughts was that I might enjoy being a mail carrier. I am a big walker, I don't want to take my work home with me, and they have excellent pay, benefits & pension. At least, they did. I have been doing some vacation coverage for them through the season in order to get a foot in the door. Over the last several weeks there has been a dispute between the union and the corporation over the terms of a new collective agreement so there were strikes and lockouts and all sorts of craziness. The carriers were just ordered back to work by the Canadian Government a couple of days ago. My dream was that I was sorting through the backlog of mail, trying to organize everything for a route that I had never done before. I was buried and innundated, frustrated & crying, seeing no way to dig my way out.
The night prior I dreamed about my Grandmother. She and I were very, very close & I lost her very suddenly to Cancer this past November. My husband and I actually bought the house next door to her. Since Gramma's passing my mother has bought the house, as my father passed away a few months earlier in August and Gramma's house worked better for mom. (its been a very, very difficult year)
I dreamed that my Gramma, my Mother, Hubby or my Sister (not sure which), and myself were hiking in a Grand Canyon-esque landscape. There was a ridge with a shallow step that we climbed down on to. It overlooked a gaping drop. There were small, weak looking trees and branches growing out of the edge of the rock. I grabbed on to one to assess the stability of where we were and it pulled right out of the ground. I told everyone that we had better get off of the ledge as it wasn't safe. We heard some rumbling beneath us & I told everyone to hurry. We climbed up to the safe ground and walked on. I turned around and Gramma was still there on the ledge unable to get up. We rushed back to help her but she said for us to go on that there was no way she could get up. I jumped down and said "no, come on Gramma, this way, you can do this, its easy", and I took her hand and led her down a different path (which miraculously appeared) which was a slow easy grade to safe ground.
I choke up at this. I choke up every time I think of her. I miss her.
