CD41 and BFN (again).

fuck.

POAS today.  Last week I would have said for sure that it would be a BFN, so I didn't POAS.  Then yesterday....I began to hope...

fuck.

My last cycle was 43 days - so I'm thinking AF will be here soon.  Hope so.  I'm ready to start on the next round.

Looking forward to the appointment with Dr. Young Guy in 2 weeks.  I think those questions (see last post) all need to be answered.  I'm still open to receiving thoughts about further questions to raise to him if anyone out there can think of any for me to ask.

I've met with the admissions person at the school I'm considering.  It all looks good.  I just have to figure out the balance so that we don't starve to death while I'm in school.  I've put an ad up to give voice lessons - hopefully there are some takers.  I'm also hoping my current employer will be supportive and allow me to work part time whenever possible.  If anyone out there needs a freelance art project done (computer or hand illustration, realistic or cartoon (any style), photography, logos & business card design, portraits, etc....) please shoot me a comment and I will send you the website link for my husband's business.

I confessed our IF struggles to one of my very best girlfriends this past week.  We talked a long time  she was of course wonderful.  Egg donation came up.  She said that she knows a woman who donated eggs and when she (my friend) heard about it she thought to herself (this was years ago) "who would I do that for if it ever came to that?".  She said that I was one of the 3 people she would do it for.  She said she knows that we're not at that place yet and that she knows we will get pregnant ourselves, but that if it came down to it, she would do it, if she were a good candidate.  I thanked her, from the bottom of my heart.  I'm not sure how I feel about it though.

I told my mother about it.  My mom thinks its great (if it came to that) since my friend and I are such similar people - very alike in our values, likes, dislikes & talents.  I said "But I don't know if I could get over the thought that it would be my husband and my best friend's baby".  I don't know if I would hurt to my core every time I looked at "my" child.  I just don't know.

I hope what I've said is not being insensitive to anyone out there who has gone the donor egg route.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  If it comes down to that being our only option - then I will do it - and I respect and admire anyone who has had the strength to do it.  I'm just new to the idea that this might be a route that we will have to take.  I'm still trying to emotionally grasp that I may not be able to have a child of my own genetics.  I hope I do not offend.

Geez....this whole thing sucks.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!