A Wonderful Hubby, More Dreams and Less Reading

I'm hurting myself.  I'm winding myself into such a tight knot of stress that I'm about to burst at any moment.  I have to stop.

I have spent the last 2 weeks in a cyclone of emotion and I've dragged my poor husband through the wringer with me.

I'm worried that I won't have a child.  I need to be focused on the positive right now.  Its early in my IF journey, really and we don't even KNOW a lot of the clinical stuff yet.  I haven't even had a day 3 blood analysis, to determine whether my FSH really is high.  And right now the decision is not to do one.  Not yet, anyway.  Right now I'm supposed to be bolstering my wellness.  Focusing on my body, mind and spirit and becoming as healthy, vibrant and vital as I can make myself.  But there is a time limit to this...I know...and it looms and depresses and worries me.

The reading I've been doing is stressing me out.  Its making me think about all the challenges that I might have to face & I don't know if I can do it.  I love the blogs I've found and I want to know more about these amazing women and understand the strength that they have so that I may have it too.  But I think I have to stop.  Or slow down, anyway.  As I read, I feel my heart becoming heavy, my chest closing in, and my throat developing a hard lump.  I've got so little to do at work (a frustration in itself, which I may get to in another post) these days that I sit and read and get more and more tense throughout the day.  Then by the time I get home I'm walking a stress tightrope that I know I'm going to fall off of.  My poor husband gets the brunt of it.  He works from home and he is working very very hard at launching his own business...but I come home and there are dishes, laundry, crumbs on the counter, vacuuming, cat litter, etc...and that's all it takes to send me over the edge.  I crash & bang my way through the house.  I can imagine what a jerk I look like.

The back room that I had been doing my meditation in was junky and full of boxes & just disorganized.  It's been our catch all room for anything we don't really know what to do with or just haven't gotten to.  The other day I came home and all the boxes were cleared away.  2 tables were set in the corners draped with pretty fabric, with little lamps set on them.  An incense burner and 2 calming scents of incense were set out.  A couple of nice cushions on the floor and a beautiful new soft blanket.  Some books on the Tao, Meditation, Poetry placed carefully on the shelves.  My old ghetto blaster set up with my meditation CD in it.  My husband is my favorite person in the whole world.  I don't deserve him.

Yesterday I went to my naturopath for an acupuncture appointment.  My food sensitivity tests had come back & it appears that I'm in pretty good shape food wise.  My body can comfortably assimilate just about anything.  The only thing I have to steer clear of is Eggs.  I get a mild reaction to them - so I'm not supposed to have them.  If they are in something I buy, no big deal, but I shouldn't have 'true' eggs, and if I'm baking I should use an egg replacer.  So I'm all good in that area.  But I just broke down in her office & wept.  I know its stress.  That's exactly what it is.  And I know I'm holding things in which just makes it build.  We didn't get to acupuncture before her next client showed who was her last client of the day.  She told me to come back after her last appointment and she would stay and give me a treatment.  In the reception room I paid the receptionist & told her to charge me for 2 appointments as I'd be coming back.  So I paid & came back & got my treatment.  Then she told me she wasn't charging me for the earlier time, so she'd applied a credit to my account.  That was sweet.  I needed that kindness.

I got home and had a great talk with Hubby & apologized for being like the 3 faces of Eve recently.  He understood.  He just wants me to relax.  He is so confident that this will happen for us.  He knows we will have 2 children.  I will be thrilled with just one.

And the dreams....well, I had another one last night.  Strange how the dreams have resurfaced after so long an absence.  I dreamed that my work gave me a cheque for $75,000.00.  Not sure why -they just did.  They were giving everyone big cheques.  Actually everyone was getting 2 cheques but I only got one, and they thought I would be upset about that but I didn't care because, hey, its $75,000.00 - why complain!  Maybe its a lesson to make the most of the hand you are dealt....to be happy with what is given you instead of focusing on what is not. 

So, I will still read your blogs & slowly get to know you all...but only a little at a time...only what my heart and head can handle at once.  I will continue to write my own...I find it therapeutic.  I hope you will find something of value in it for you, as well.

Peace
~SCS