Thumper!

Today at the midwife, we heard the baby's heartbeat.

Thumpthump...thumpthump...thumpthump...

Wow.

I cried.

Hubby couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear.

His new nickname for the lil' peanut is "Thumper"

This is really going to happen this time!

Checking in

Hello All,

So sorry for not writing for a couple of weeks.  I have been popping in to read every so often, but have not had time to write a post of my own.  Here is a quick one for an update...

I began school 2 weeks ago, a program for Registered Massage Therapist designation.  In Ontario, Canada we have one of the most intensive and extensive programs in the world.  The schooling requirements are 2200 hours - which translates into 2 years.  About half of that is clinical and half sciences (anatomy, physiology, pathology).  I can't believe how much I have learned in just 2 weeks - its astounding the pace of the program and the amount of information....and apparently it gets even more intense.  I have 1 more week left in this, the orientation 'module' of the program.  I have an exam on all of the info we learned in the 3 weeks of the module and then the next week we begin our first formal 17 week module.

So far I have been doing very well.  Top of my class, in fact.  Out of 4 tests we've had, I've only lost 1.5 marks, which works out to a 96% average.  That is an honours designation and I would be thrilled to keep up that level of achievement throughout the program.

This is why, of course, I have not been writing.  I have, instead, been studying!

Little Peanut is just a couple of days away from 12 weeks!  He/She has been taking it a wee bit easier on me in the last week or so.  I still get nauseous.  I still do vomit here & there.  I still have aversions and have to force myself to eat.....but its just slightly less than it was.  Thank goodness with moderate and consistent food intake I am able to control it fairly well during school.  I've only had to run off to the washroom once!

I have my next midwife appointment next week and I am going to ask for an ultrasound scan.  I spoke with my naturopath about it and she agrees.  I just feel like I'm hanging out here waiting for confirmation that everything is OK.  I've lost 10lbs as opposed to gained.  I can't tell if the bump on my belly is baby or just fat.  I've had no blood tests, no scans....I just feel like its not real anymore (although I certainly am still experiencing symptoms....MS, Sore Breasts, discharge, twinges, etc).  I've also been having scary dreams the last couple of weeks.  I've dreamed that I started spotting, and then started freaking out and screaming and yelling at hubby and hitting him, screaming at him that he doesn't understand what is happening and he has to get me somewhere to make it stop.  I wake up and everything is fine, but still, its upsetting and off putting.  My naturopath agrees that it would probably just give me some peace of mind to have an ultrasound and confirm that all is going as it should be at this stage.  So, I'm looking forward to that.

I think we are going to tell hubby's parents this weekend.  His Aunt is in from the East Coast and she is always fun and positive and lightens the mood with his parents, so we're thinking that telling them when she is here will be good.  Oh, his father will be ecstatic, whether Auntie was here or not.....but his mom is a little strange sometimes.  I'm hoping to get a moment alone with her first just to quickly tell her...."Please, for your son's sake, when he tells you what he is going to tell you....don't react.  Wait a moment.  Think about what  the appropriate reaction would be first.  Then react.".   Honestly, if I don't, I fear the woman will literally say "You're PREGNANT?!?!?!?  EEEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!   OH NOOOOOO!!!!  Well don't expect me to take care of the thing!!!"

My husband tolerates his parents....but if she reacts like that...then that might be the end of it all for their relationship.

That's really about all that is going on right now.  I'll try to write again next week and fill you in on how things went with the in-laws and the scan!  Even if I have not commented, I am reading and thinking of you all wherever you are in your journeys:  with TTC, your pregnancies, raising your little ones, your weight loss, your work/school, your holidays, your families, etc.

xo

Feeling Better.....Ish.

Apparently I 'm impossible to please.

The last few days I have been feeling a little better.  Tuesday was actually really good.  Yesterday & today are about the same.  I've still had nausea, but not as intense and there are actually times in the day it doesn't really bother me too much.  Also I'm able to eat a few more foods.

So, of course, I'm a bit worried.

According to Dr. Google (BAD ME!!!), MS should begin to subside right around week 12 when the Placenta - my baby's lifeline! - is fully formed.  I'm 9.5 weeks.  That's 2.5 weeks that the placenta has not had to develop!  This does not make me happy.

I know - I'm bitching when I'm sick and now I'm bitching that I'm not as sick.  This is just such a time of uncertainty and worry.  I'm happy and start thinking about plans, and then I freak out and think "I shouldn't get too excited and I shouldn't make plans yet!".  I'm sorry for being such a nutcase...but I really don't know what I'll do if this doesn't work out.

Since I never got to the point with an RE where I was under real care or guidance from them (I was written off at first glance, essentially, and decided to go hippy-dippy natural for a while before pursuing further intervention - and I got very, very lucky), I'm not getting constant check ups and tests.  I feel kind of like I'm floating out here.  I don't even know when I will get my first scan.  And that scan scares me too, because last time I got one at 12.5 weeks and that's when they told me the pregnancy was not viable and I would likely miscarry in a few days and that if I didn't I would have to get a D&C.  I did miscarry a few days later.  It was horrible.

Every time I feel a little (WARNING - this may be a bit graphic!) dampness I go rushing off to the bathroom terrified that I'm going to find pink.  Thank goodness that hasn't been the case.

I know I have not eaten well and I'm not drinking enough water - I just can't.  I can't stomach it or keep it down.  So I worry I am not providing sufficient nutrition to my baby.  My naturopath assures me that all the work I have done over the last year and a half eating super nutritiously and organic and building up my body's health reserves is more than enough for my little olive sized nugget right now.  That if all I can eat are crackers and Popsicles then that's what I need to eat and that's OK.  I'm getting my prenatal vitamin in daily so she says I'm good.

So, I'm just trying to be patient and calm as much as I can be right now.  I'm walking a few nights a week, but mostly getting lots of sleep.  When school starts next week sleep will likely diminish with studying time and work having to be fit in - so I'm trying to get lots of rest now.  And as long as I'm sleeping, I'm not worrying, and I'm not throwing up - so that's all good as far as I am concerned!

Countdown to 12 weeks

I think I'm driving my poor husband crazy.

He is absolutely the most patient man I've ever known.  He is a saint to put up with me.  Seriously.

I have been insufferable in the last few weeks.  I'd have tossed me out on my butt 2 weeks ago.

I have been whiny, wimpy, dreary, sucky, impatient, ornery, short tempered, barfy, teary & completely lazy.

And yet he smiles and holds me and strokes my hair and rubs my neck and tells me it'll be OK and he wishes he could take this sick feeling away from me.

And then I turn into a puddle and feel like a big jerk and tell him that I promise to make him all of his favorite suppers when I can stand smells in the house again, and that soon I will feel better & we will be able to be intimate again.  Right now, I just can't....and I miss him.

I don't want to blog about how terrible I feel right now - so I haven't been blogging, because that's pretty much how I feel.  Please don't get me wrong - I wouldn't trade this for the world and if I have to deal with it for the whole pregnancy in order to have a healthy baby, then I will!  But its difficult nonetheless, and I really do hope it will be over soon so that I can get back to being myself again.

I start school next week.  I have my orientation this Wednesday.  I think that will help to make the time go quicker over the next couple of weeks.  Most of what I have read indicates that the illness should go away about week 12 - so I'm counting down to that.  That's also when we will get to go more public and tell the rest of our friends and family our wonderful news....so we are very excited to reach that milestone.

We lost a very, very close friend of the family last week tragically, so its been a difficult time on that end as well.  It seems that target is still on our backs, somehow.  14 months of death have afflicted our family.  More than anything I pray that this is the end of that, and that now LIFE will share its joy with us for a while.

Full Disclosure

The cat is out of the bag!  The family is 'in the know'!  And they are overjoyed!

We got up to the cottage fairly late on Friday evening.  We had first gone to watch my 3 year old niece at her karate lesson (TOO CUTE!!!) and hit the road north right after that.  The weather was miserable.  Incredible winds and pelting rain made for a slow drive.

When we arrived I was feeling less than great from the drive and the nausea.  We unpacked the van with my mother and sister who were already there and settled in.  Mom said that my brother had called and they decided to stay in town and come up in the morning because the weather was so bad and the kids were sleepy.  I put on some cozy clothes, got myself a small dish of almonds to nibble on (mom had a spread of shrimp ring and brie and other goodies out...) and a glass of water.  I just started to sit down and my sister pipes up "what's with the water?!"  (normally by this time I'd have poured myself a nice glass of red).  So, hubby and I stand up and say...."Well....."

And the looks on their faces were priceless!  My sister kept saying "no!"  "no!"  "Seriously?!".  I think it took a second for it to sink in for my mom because she just looked stunned.  They both barreled into the living room from the kitchen (open concept) to give me a huge hug!  Then on to hubby, of course.  We explained that it was early, but we knew that should anything happen we would need their support.  We explained that we just wanted to keep it in the immediate family for now, and that it was too bad that Bro & SIL were not here to tell as well, but we'd have to wait till tomorrow.

Mom said that my Uncle, Aunt & cousins were all coming up tomorrow morning too and there was no way we could keep it from them as well.  SIGH!!!  Ah well.  We are all very very close so they are like immediate family too....  so we agreed to letting them know too.

The next day the news was equally well received by the rest of the family.  It was really wonderful to be able to talk to my mom, aunt & SIL about their experiences in pregnancy and share some of my feelings and fears.  I also explained that we'd been trying for 2 years & had struggled.  Everyone was very supportive.  I'm lucky to have such a loving family.

The morning sickness has been very strange the last few days.  I have very intense periods and then periods where its pretty mild and almost not there.  Its certainly much better than the constant medium-high nausea I was experiencing last week.  Its still very uncomfortable but its much more bearable.  I even ate some stuffing and some sweet potatoes, and Sunday morning had a wee bit of my aunt's famous egg dish casserole.  It all went down surprisingly well.  Overall I've lost 2 lbs in 2 weeks, but I think I'm doing OK.  If things stay like this I think I can make it through to 12-14 weeks when everyone says this feeling will disappear.  I'm officially 7 weeks -  though my naturopath thinks I might be closer to 8.  There is no way to tell 100% unless/until I get a dating ultrasound, because of my erratic cycles.  We go for my first midwife appointment on Thursday where I expect we will get a whole whack of information!

So, it was a wonderful weekend and I was so happy to be able to make my mom so very, very happy!

Letting the cat out of the bag

We've decided to tell my family this weekend that we are expecting.

Hubby and I talked about how challenging its going to be to keep it from them this weekend and then we thought "why don't we want them to know"?

If something happens (knock on wood its NOT going to!) then we will want my family (Mom, Sister, Brother & Sister in Law) to be there to support us.  We would tell them then, so why not tell them now, so that I don't have to suffer all weekend with smells and avoiding smoke and not eating 'normal' food and trying to appear normal when I feel horrible and trying to force myself to stay awake when I need a nap, etc etc etc...

My mother and sister know about our IF struggles for the past 2 years - we told them both about 7 months ago.  My brother & sister in law don't just simply because we didn't want to tell them while they were expecting my nephew.  We didn't want them feeling guilty or badly around us.  Now that baby Liam is here and all is well, we can let them know we were struggling, but now seem to have somehow aligned the stars to make it happen!

I will feel so much better to be able to be open with them all.  I can talk freely and don't have to avoid things.

Hubby feels no need to do the same with his family (I said we could tell them if he wanted).  He is not close to them - he is closer with my family.  He said that heaven forbid if something happens he wouldn't want them to know & have to deal with them - so we will wait till 14 weeks to tell them.  They live about an hour away anyway and we only see them every few weeks, so it shouldn't be hard to 'hide' it from them.

I can't wait for my family's reaction!  It will be nice to give my mom some more good news for a change!

6 weeks - Nauseously Elated!

First I would like to thank you all so very, very much for your kind words and support.  We are not telling anyone our good news yet, so its nice to be able to share it with all of you!

Second I would like to apologise for not posting for over a week.  I've been reading and commenting here & there...but I just haven't had a post in me.

So here I am, ready to post!

I'm feeling a bit better today.  The morning sickness has been very difficult - and more like 'all day' sickness.  I've struggled to find the right things to eat and the right amounts to minimize the constant queaziness.  It seems carbs are the way to go for me.  And PLAIN.  Absolutely NO butter, salt, cheese, sauces, etc.  Actually this morning I had a bagel with a wee bit of cream cheese and that went down ok.  Toast and peanut butter is a standby.  Other than that - plain, cold noodles.  Yum, right?!  Well...thats the best I can do, it seems.  I've gotten some of those 'boost' meal replacement shakes and am able to sip on those a bit.  Water is tough to get down, but I do small sips pretty constantly so at least I'm staying relatively hydrated.

And the vegan thing....DONE.  I'm eating what I can, when I can, as there is so much I can't handle right now.

I'm not vomiting, although I feel I could at just about any moment.  Especially if I smell anything strong.  Coffee smell is particularily bad.  Hubby had some jube jubes the other day and the smell of the lemon ones drifting across the room to me was amazingly soothing.  Makes me want to buy him a big jar of lemon jube jubes and make him breathe on me.

This has been the main focus of the last week.  Its sort of all consuming.  I go to see my naturopath tonight and I hope she can help me relieve this a bit.  But still......I'll take it!  I'll take it for 40 weeks if I have to!  (but pleasepleaseplease don't make me have to!!)

Hubby and I are, of course, overjoyed.  I think we are still a little stunned.  Hubby is tentative...he doesn't want to get too excited until we are further along.  I just don't want to even think about that...

We are talking about names, and boy vs. girl, and telling our families, and decorating the nursery....all wonderful conversations we didn't think we would get to have.

The BFP has been confirmed 3x.  Twice by HPT and once through a urinalisis at the lab from my MD.  And even if we had gotten a negative in any of those I would have protested wildly - the way I feel, I KNOW I am pregnant!  I don't need a test to prove it at this point!  We have an appointment with a Midwife next week and I'm looking very forward to that.

This coming weekend we are going to my mom's cottage for Thanksgiving with our family.  Yes, I know, Canadian Thanksgiving was this past weekend, but we can all only get together the week after because of all the other commitments.  So I have to get through the weekend without anyone guessing.  Now there are certian things that could be my undoing in this endeavor.

1) I won't be drinking wine.  My brother and sister will be all over me for that.  So...hubby found a dealcoholized wine that I can sip on a bit through dinner just to get them over it.
2) The smells in the cottage will bother me...and usually I am in the thick of the kitchen prep. 
3) I'm tired all the time. 
4) My mom, brother and sister all smoke.  Now, they just smoke outside, but still, its hard to stay away from, and I will be avoiding it rather suspiciously.

So, if we get through this weekend without questions it will be a miracle!

Something else that has been bugging me, though...  According to Fertility Friend it appears that we concieved September 13th.  I had a transvaginal ultrasound on the 20th and a Sonohysterogram on the 21st.  Wouldn't the transvaginal have identified something?  Wouldn't the Sono have 'dislodged' stuff or flushed it through??  The doctor during the sono kept saying 'whats that?'  'that there?' 'can we look at that closer?' to the technician and in the end told me there was a polyp but nothing he was concerned about & my family doctor would discuss that with me.  Was that my baby??

I hope none of that could have hurt anything...

I cannot wait for whenever the first scan happens....for whenever I get to hear the heartbeat.  I just want to know my baby is growing and is healthy.  I just can't wait for that time.

Happy Birthday To Me

A very happy and surprising birthday, indeed.

I got the best present I could have ever asked for.





A BFP.



I have not been feeling well lately.  For the past week or so.  Just feeling a bit off, and nauseous.  Hubby had been a bit under the weather too, so I just figured that I got a bug from him.  And I've been exceptionally tired....sleeping much more than usual.  Last night I thought...well, its CD 39 tomorrow, and its my birthday.  I want to have some wine with dinner, so I better POAS just in case.

I hadn't thought of POAS before....I never really associate AF being late with a possible BFP anymore...just because of so many long cycles and so many BFNs.

I didn't expect this.

I'm indescribably happy.

And nauseous.

I can't thank all of you enough for your support. 

One Perfect Emby.....in a few weeks time hopefully I will be passing that baby dust along myself to someone else!  I haven't even received the book in the mail yet!!!  That's one powerful book!!!  Thank you, my dear!

Becca....you are so sweet.  I love to read all about your family of 5...thank you for your ongoing support.

And Maddy.  I can't say enough.  There are not words.

Love to you all.  And thank you so much.  Now I need your 'stickiest' thoughts!

Hugs
~SCS

Blood Work & Ultrasound Results & Update on Sister In Law

I just got a call from my Md's office.  It was prompted by an inquiry from me last week as I had not heard from them.  I had asked when my call was coming with the results of the blood work and ultrasounds I'd had.  The receptionist seemed surprised that I had been expecting a call.  UGH!  Some things never change, I guess. 

In the call this morning, the receptionist said "the doctor says the blood work is hard to interpret without knowing where you were in your cycle."  and that "the sonohysterogram shows that only one tube is open so that would explain having longer cycles or skipping cycles.  OK?".

Umm....OK?  It appears that was where she was wanting to end the conversation.  Ummm....No, actually.  NOT OK!

I said that I went for the blood work on the days he prescribed.  Day 3, and then guesstimated at mid-cycle as its hard to tell with me.  I went on CD 21...which Fertility Friend is actually saying it thinks that is the day I ovulated.  Now, I have not got AF yet.  Today is CD 38.

She said maybe I ought to come in for an appointment.  Yes.  That's better.

In the meantime I asked her to fax me the results of the blood work.  So here goes....

CD3:
FSH - 9
Progesterone - **deleted by lab**
Estradiol 17 beta - **deleted by lab**
LH - **deleted by lab**
Ferritin (as I'm chronically borderline anaemic) - 28  (low range - but within target)

WTF is with the deleted by lab stuff???  Even if the Req didn't ask for these results on Day 3 WHY on EARTH would they not be included???  It just confirms for me more and more that they look at this stuff SO PIECEMEAL as opposed to as a whole.  Wouldn't these measurements help fill in the gaps in the picture???  I just don't get it!!!

Aside from that - FSH 9??!!!!  That's good right??  Really Really good!  I think in the last blood work it showed my FSH at 26 or something.  I'll have to go back and look.

CD 21
FSH - 4 (!!!!!!!)
LH - 2
Estradiol - 278
Progesterone - 65

I'm not sure how to interpret these results.  I think the LH is low if I was truly at mid-cycle - and I dont' know what that means.  The other #'s look good whether I was mid-cycle or luteal at the time of the draw.

Bottom line though - these are NOT peri-menopausal or menopausal numbers....right??  I think that's how to read them. 

Any thoughts, anyone???  Please????!

Also, one tube isn't working.  OK.  What does that MEAN?  Can it be fixed?  What do we do NOW?  I can't understand how the doctors office just calls and says - "there you go.  that's that.  bye bye.".   Ummm....NO!  You know we want to have a child, right?!  So...now that you know some of the obstacles, aren't you supposed to HELP US with this?!?!!?  Its infuriating!

I don't think I like Dr. Cutie as much as I thought at first.

As for my sister in law, thank you all for your kind words and thoughts.  She is home and doing well.  The doctors, based on her history, were extremely careful and perhaps overzealous - but we are glad for that.  Turns out it was mastitis...an infection in her breast.  Through anti-biotics she is much better, but sadly unable to breast feed as one breast simply won't work.  But at least she is healthy and so is baby Liam and everyone is happy to have her home!

And the cherry on top....

My sister in law is in the hospital.  Mommy to my week old nephew.

When she delivered my neice 3 years ago she had to go for an emergency C-Section.  My sister in law is so tiny there were complications....heart rates soared as did temperatures and that was that for a vaginal delivery.  3-4 weeks later she was rushed to hospital in septic shock due to an infection that had basically taken over her entire abdominal cavity.  She was in ICU for almost 2 weeks.  We almost lost her.

This time, the C-Section was scheduled and planned.  No chances were being taken with a vaginal birth as it was so likely she would not be able to deliver that way anyway.  Everyone felt assured that since this was planned that the risk of infection would be dramatically lowered.

Yesterday evening she started getting chills.  A couple hours later she spiked a fever.  Rush to emerg.  Now hoping and praying that if its the start of an infection that they are able to nip it in the bud before it gets any worse.

I'm very afraid.  I feel like with all that has happened over the last year or so with our family, that this is an extension of the horrible losses we have experienced.  I can't shake the feeling that the 'powers that be' are not done with us yet....  and she is lying helpless in the oncoming path.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let her be ok.

Seriously, Universe?

The past 13 months have been pretty much hell.  In fact, things started getting crappy before that even, but the REAL fun started in August of last year when my Step-Father passed away.  From that point on the following has happened...

My Grandmother (who I was EXTREMELY close with) got very sick, very quickly (about a month and a half after my dad passed) and we watched her slip away at home for two weeks before she passed on.  My great-uncle passed.  My Oma began to deteriorate faster & ended up hospitalized for a while - she is now ok, but still declining at 89 years old.  My Uncle passed suddenly from a massive heart attack.  My step-mother's nephew took his own life.  My Grandfather passed.  I have not included the losses on my husband's side, or included the stress/grief of handling our own infertility issues, or the stress of worrying about my mother, sister & brother (half sis & bro), none of whom really handle or deal with things - so they are not holding up all that well with all of this.

Now, yesterday, my step-mother's brother passed suddenly, again from a massive heart attack.  Today, her sister (who's house he was at when this happened, and who is the mother of the nephew who took his own life) has been rushed to the hospital.  We don't yet know what is happening but it looks like maybe a stroke.

2 years ago, I knew I was lucky.  That no real grief or harm or loss had touched me (with the exception of my miscarriages - but that was pretty private).  Now, I feel like a target.  I feel like I've got a big ol' bull's eye sitting right over my heart and the world is loading its quiver trying to get as many shots in as it can before it gets me for good.

None of this is just about me, I know.  It deeply affects my family and people I love - but when you count up the 'associations' in all of this...I'm the central figure.

On a wonderful note (there is one!)...I'm an auntie again!  6lb 14oz Liam was born to my brother and his wife a week ago today.  He is beautiful and perfect.  His 3 year old big sister is adjusting to having to share attention.  Thank goodness for the smiles the little ones can bring.  I'm so very happy he is here. 

It does make me long even more for one of our own, though. 

Here we go again

I just entered the last week of my temperatures into Fertility Friend.  I knew AF was overdue, but didn't realize she was this late...  its CD32.

Guess I'm in for another long cycle.

Detox - Day 1

I'm going to try to kickstart my body.  I'm in the worst shape of my life as a result of being down and kind of depressed with the whole IF thing as well as all the other stuff that has gone on over the last couple of years.  And always lurking in the back of my mind is the possibility that its my bad habits that I have not been able to overcome that are causing the problem(s).  So.....  time to come clean....  inside and out.

1)  I eat a lot of crap.  I eat a lot of healthy stuff too - but I top it up with a good, hearty, daily dose of CRAP.  Fast food.  Processed food.  Sugary or salty or greasy food.
2)  I eat WAY too much.  My portions are probably really enough for 2 or 3 people.
3)  I drink too much.  This is a tougher one to admit, but I do.  I have at least one glass of red wine every day.  Sometimes more.  I just love my wine.

Those are the main factors that have led to me being about 40 (yes FORTY) pounds overwieght.  I don't look it.  I hide my weight well.  I look maybe 20 pounds over....but thats really just scratching the surface.  I'm quite certain that these factors have also led to my hormonal imbalances which are impacting my ovulation and ability to conceive.  I'm sure that my kidneys, spleen and liver are all bogged down and sluggish because of all the toxins that I put into myself daily!  I'm sure that my body's abiltiy to communicate with it's various bits and pieces is impeded and interrupted and its struggling to perform its basic functions.  I'm certain that all the extra fat that I'm carrying around is full of toxins and hormones that are affecting me.  I know my blood is in a state of acidity which is BAD BAD BAD so I need to get alkalized, too.

So....while Dr. Cutie looks into the bloodwork and ultrasounds....I'm detoxing hard core.

No alcohol.  Organic.  Vegan.  No sugar (except for naturally occurring - so no refined or added sugar).  No caffiene.  No heavily refined flours - lots of cooked whole grains (buckwheat, kamut, millet, teff, quinoa).  This is in essence the 'superhero' diet as outlined in the book 'the kind diet'. 

I love this food anyway....I don't know why I have the habit of self-sabotaging, but I do.  I'll be doing this indefinitely, until I've lost the weight and my cycles start to regulate.  I'm convinced that this is the main source of the issue.  If, after this, medical intervention is still required then so be it....but at least I'll have created a super healthy bodily environment to work with.

So today I started off with a broth of carrot and daikon with umeboshi plum and some nori.  I also had a smoothie with blueberries, watermelon and vega protien.  Lunch which I am just starting to get hungry for will be some kamut with dulce flakes and a 'cheesy' sauce made of nutritional yeast (very yummy), navy beans and collard greens tossed with raisins, pumpkin seeds and a little olive oil and balsamic vinegar.  The food is delicious - its just different...and you have to get used to the flavour of REAL food which is far less salty than the processed food we live on.  It will take a while to get over the salt addiction.  Tonight we are having leftovers from the weekend.  A dish Hubby really liked.  Its a spelt pasta with tomato sauce and lentil 'meat'balls.  Really good.

Last night I took my measurements, took photos, and weighed in.  YIKES!  I like having a starting point, though, so that I can monitor progress.  I think that this dramatic calorie reduction plus my 3x weekly workouts will really have the weight come off quickly...  I just hope my body really CLEANSES while its at it.

Passive Aggression??

So,....it finally happened.  I finally got that message going around on Facebook about the little 'in' game for the ladies for Breast Cancer Awareness.

You know....last year we all put on our statuses that we "like it on the kitchen floor" or something like that - referring secretly to where we like to put our purses in our homes.  It was supposed to baffle the men and was a fun little thing that was supposed to be about supporting breast cancer awareness.

Well, this year, the cute little game isn't so cute anymore....at least not for some of us.  This year, we are to choose our birth month and then indicate a craving for a food item from a pre-made list that is being sent around via Facebook message.  So, if my birthday was August 17, my status would be "I'm 8 weeks and craving fudge".

I already knew about this from fellow IF bloggers.  I knew it was just a matter of time before it landed in my inbox.

But when it did, this morning, I got mad.  Really MAD.

I responded via 'reply all' to my cousin the unwitting sender and a bunch of her friends and some of my family.  This is what I said:

Sorry Ladies - I totally support Breast Cancer awareness and am participating in the run for the cure in 2 weeks. I've thought that previous years the little inside status updates were quite cute - and I would not hesitate to participate again.....but I have to decline participation in this particular one, I'm afraid.



I'd suggest that seeing their facebook feeds inundated with statuses like this would be heartbreaking for any woman (or man) suffering from infertility or experiencing challenges having a child.


I hope that next year I can participate again. Have fun with this & sorry.


My family, with the exception of my mother and my sister, do not know about my IF struggle.
 
Now I feel like they are all going to be wondering. 
 
And I feel like such a bitch.

Take 2

Several weeks ago I was all scheduled to go for 2 ultrasounds - first an intrauterine and then a day or two later, a sonohysterogram (sp?).  I went for the first, then all of a sudden Fertility Friend decided that I MIGHT have ovulated and in tandem with this I got a bit of EWCM.  I decided to cancel the second ultrasound just in case I might have conceived.  That was somewhere in the neighborhood of CD 60.


Now its CD 24, so clearly, I did not conceive.


Tomorrow I go back for the first ultrasound again.  Wednesday I go for the 2nd.  Last week I did the second set of blood work and earlier this cycle I did the CD3 blood work.  I expect I will be receiving a call from Dr. Cutie soon with respect to all of this.  I'm quite nervous that its all going to be bad news.  That my FSH is indicative of my ovaries being dried up wastelands incapable of squeezing out anything resembling a viable ovum. 

I think I'm a bit numb.  I've kind of stopped thinking baby thoughts over the last couple of months.  It hurt too much to think about it.  I turned it off.  I have a very, very bad feeling that things are not going to go my way in this...  so I don't really want to get my hopes up.

What an empty feeling.

Long Time Coming....

Forgive me, blog sistahs, for I have been distracted.  Its been about 2 weeks since my last post.

Since my last post....  my grandfather has passed away, a dear friend has been woefully, wrongfully accused of a terrible act and is now embroiled in a despicable legal battle - his children, life and freedom on the line, I have been wrapped up in an appeal to receive funding for school, my brother (a recovering addict) has had a slip up, I've rented 2 rooms in our home, got behind on housekeeping and bills, made 3 jars of homemade ketchup, read 3 books, begun teaching 4 new voice students, have not been to either the naturopath or the chiropractor, decided to go vegan (on my way!), drank too much wine and rum, gained 5 pounds, have not taken my vitamins or herbs and am still not pregnant.

I'm tired.  Exhausted really.

Last cycle update indicated I was into the CD60ish range.  Its now CD 20.  I got CD3 bloodwork taken.  I was supposed to go on CD17 for more, but forgot, so I'm going tomorrow instead and just hoping that is ok.  My chart indicates I ovulated on CD9 - but that is just based on temperature.  I really don't get CM...bad sign, I know.  I've also been getting night sweats again.  I had that under control for a while....I think I've officially 'fallen off the wagon'.  Its all very "peri-menopause-like"...I know.

I'm really hoping that going vegan, on top of getting back on the wagon with herbs and vitamins, etc, will help to restore my body's balance.  I know I'm terribly out of balance.  All the hormones and toxins in our food supply are just too much for my body to bear, I think.  I need to lighten its load...give it a break from battling what SHOULDN'T be in it so it can focus on assimilating what SHOULD be in it!

But, for tonight still, after work I will be coming home to yet another big glass of wine and snuggling up with my cat and a new book.

That's about how much pressure I can take right now.

Sorry for the whiny post.  Its about all I have in me today.  In a few days I'll post pics of some of the delicious vegan treats I have been making.  That will be more fun!

xo
~SCS

SO frustrated - & message to One Perfect Emby

I`ve been offline for a while...lots going on.  This is not the time for a catch up post, but I AM reading your posts my friends.

I have been trying to comment on some of your posts & getting this drop down selection below the comment box that says ``comment as`` and then I`m supposed to select from the drop down list.  Some of the selections are Google Account, AIM, Open ID and more.  I`ve tried all of them and none of them work!  I`ve tried Open ID and copying and pasting my blog URL into it, but that doesn`t work!  Does anyone know what this is!!!  Its driving me bonkers!!!

So, my dear One Perfect Emby, thank you so much for the offer of the book.  I would LOVE to send you my email address.  I don`t want to post it publicly though - so not sure how to get it to you!  Any thoughts or suggestions would be welcomed!

And I promise to write an updated post soon, with pictures of what I have been up to.

Hugs
SCS

Love, Sweet Love

Its Hubby and my 4th wedding anniversary today.  (Please forgive the poor grammar.  I'm quite certain that 'Hubby and my' is incorrect, but I couldn't seem to find the appropriate sentence structure.  Any suggestions from writers out there?!  lol!)

This morning he got up while I was having my morning tea.  Normally he sleeps in since being a freelance artist he works till 2 or 3 in the morning.  He gave me a big kiss and presented me with an anniversary gift (which we DON'T usually do....usually just dinner and cards).  I've been collecting pottery for about a year now and am trying to convert my day to day dishes a piece at a time to handmade artisan pottery.  I've got a lovely start on the collection with some goblets, mugs, cups and bowls.  The nice thing about pottery is that it doesn't have to be all 'matchy matchy' which I hate.  So, Hubs got me 1 lovely large dinner plate, and 2 stunning 'lunch size' plates.  I just love them!

So we had a nice morning lingering over tea and talking about his pottery hunt adventure.  I ended up being about 10 minutes late for work, but I didn't really care.  It was so nice.

I'm so happy to be so in love with my husband.  I can't imagine ever growing weary of talking to him.  He is my favorite person in the world.

Tonight we go out for a nice dinner.  Prepaid, actually, thanks to the magic of a 'Living Social' deal.  (I love WagJag, Groupon and Living Social!  I'll never pay full price for a haircut or a facial again!!).

Then we go home and prepare for our weekend away with friends.  Looking very forward to it.

Its nice to think about stuff OTHER than IF for a while.  Its kind of like finally exhaling.

Hugs all.
~SCS

Who gets to love and parent a child?

Friends of our family, who I have known since I was probably about 8 years old, are expecting.

The announcement came over facebook which seems to be the norm these days. 

They are wonderful people & will make great parents to this, their second child.

I let my mother know, who has recently been brought into the loop on our IF struggles.  I could see her look at me, anticipating that I might be upset by it.  Now, my brother's wife is currently pregnant - a month away from delivering my nephew, their second child.  I am thrilled for them and of course I get to be a doting aunt! 

So why the 'tentative' response from my mother when it came to our friend...?  I think its this:

Our friend is gay.

This got me thinking...should my response as a woman struggling to become a mother be one of anger and resentment when I hear of a gay couple becoming pregnant via IVF or through adoption or surrogacy?  Should I be wailing "why do they get to be parents and not me?!  They can't even do it naturally!".  Well....so far, neither can I, so...

But at least I'm MEANT to be able to do it naturally, right?

Maybe.  Maybe not.  The Jury is still out on that one.

I understand my mother's trepidation about how I might react considering what we are going through.  Mom is happy for them, but sad for me....and maybe this will be her reaction to every pregnancy announcement that comes before my hopeful one.

I've thrown this around in my brain and my heart a lot over the last couple of days....and I'm NOT resentful.  Not any more so than I am about any other pregnancy announcement I hear these days (and I don't think I'd even call that emotion 'resentment'.....its more of a bitter-sweet feeling...happy a baby is coming, sad its not mine).

We all have love to give - why would their love be considered any less worthy than anyone else's?

They've got a lucky baby on the way!

One day, I too will be able to give my love as a parent to my child.  And when that day comes they will be so happy for me!

Hugs
~SCS

Need some advice..UPDATED #1, UPDATED #2!!!

Hello All,

So,  I need some advice.

Tomorrow I go for my ultrasound thing where they squirt the saline through my tubes to make sure they are clear.

I'm on CD 61.

Fertility Friend seems to think that based on my BBT I may have ovulated last Wednesday.  Hubby and I went back through the week in our heads (because I was SO DUMB and didn't write it down!!!), trying to remember when we did the BD.  We believe it was Tuesday or Wednesday.

So.....It MAY be possible that we conceived.  IF I ovulated.  I didn't get any EWCM, but I did get a little CM.

If we concieved, I would not have implanted yet and if I were to POAS tomorrow morning it would not show positive yet.

I'm concerned.  This test 'flushes' stuff through.  Should I reschedule for 2 weeks from now, just in case???

Help!  So not sure what to do!
~SCS

Thank you to Dragon's Blossom for the advice.  I, too, felt the same way - that I should reschedule for 2 weeks from now if I got a BFN then.

So I called the Ultrasound clinic and they said that the reason they do the trans-vaginal ultrasound a day or two before (I went yesterday) is to check for just that.  I asked "are you sure you would see it if I just concieved on Wednesday?"  and she said that that is why they do that ultrasound in the first place.  So, I guess I got a BFN without a TWW (as if being on CD61 isn't enough of a wait!).  Good to know.  Appointment still on for tomorrow.  Please let them find what it is and fix me.
~SCS

Update #2
OK - so now I go to the bathroom and......EWCM!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Good Grief!
Hubby & I BD'd yesterday (just for fun & all), so.....
I rescheduled the test.  Its 4 weeks from now, but at least I won't be worried...

WTF!  I haven't had EWCM in A LONG TIME!

So, now the mind is racing.
~SCS

Should have stayed in bed.

CD 60.  Wow.  I haven't had this long a cycle since we first began TTC.

And I just entered my temps from the weekend into Fertility Friend and up pop the crosshairs!  It seems to think I may have ovulated on CD 55 - last Wednesday.  I just frantically emailed hubby from work freaking out saying "when did we BD last week?!?!?  I didn't write it down & now I forget!!!  ARGH!!!" I don't think we did it at the right time, but I just can't remember!  I had so totally written this cycle off that I went & bought some nice wine for the coming weekend which we are spending at my mom's cottage with friends of ours.  I thought I'd cut loose a bit and feast and drink.  Now - I don't know!

Also, I go for my first 2 of 3 ultrasounds today and I'm nervous.  Will they be able to tell if I've ovulated??  I don't suppose so....  So now I guess I start a TWW that I'm not even sure is really a TWW.

I don't know whether to be excited or devastated that we might have missed an opportunity, or just be apathetic & think that AF will just show up randomly whenever she feels like it.

Ooohh....breakfast has become quite unsettled.

Ugh - hubby just emailed back and said that it was either Wednesday or Thursday.  Crap.  Thats not great.  I know...we're supposed to be doing it more....but we'd really written this cycle off and kind of needed a break.

What a morning.  We wake up to news of a nearby town full of centuries old historic buildings, pretty as a picture and a big tourist destination on the shores of Lake Huron being destroyed by a tornado yesterday....also a very very popular Canadian political leader who was finally just getting the momentum his party has been seeking for years has passed away.  I'm not overly political, but for a politician, I liked this guy.  He was very likeable.  Its sad.

When I got out of bed today I actually said to myself "It feels like a Monday.  It feels like a dark day."

Perhaps I should have stayed in bed.

In memory of...

Wishing love, light and healing to all of us.

CD 56 and Horoscope

Yep.  CD 56.  Haven't bothered to POanotherS.  Did so Monday.  BFN.  Yep.

Horoscope today says "Be prepared to expect the unexpected, and don't be surprised if someone ends up telling you something that you've been hoping to hear".

Well....here's hoping that I hear what I've been hoping to hear.

Introducing Dr. Cutie

I'll admit it.  I have a bit of a thing for nerds.

Remember Dr. Green from the original ER cast?  Ummm....YUMMY!  Forget George Clooney!  Anthony Edwards made my toes curl - and still sends things aflutter in me when I think of him.  Dr. Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory?  Yes please!!!

I know its kind of strange.....but that's just me.  My husband chuckles a little uncomfortably when I gush over a quirky, cute nerd on TV.  He worries that makes him a nerd too, since of course I find hubby unbearably attractive.  I reassure him that although he does have some nerd-ish elements (which I do find strangely hot), he's a 6'4" manly man rock star truck guy! (grunt!)

So.... I think I might have a wee bit of a crush on my new family Doctor. 

AWKWARD!

He is young as far as doctors go.  Right about my age I would guess.  Hubby came to the appointment with me and Dr. Cutie entered and I could see hubby's reaction - he gave me a little knowing smirk and a shake of the head.  Sigh - he knows me too well!

Dr. Cutie introduced himself and said  "So you're here to discuss fertility issues.  Whats been happening so far?".

I pulled out my files (I caught a slight flinch of surprise from him at the amount of well organized paper I pulled out!).  I explained that I was on CD 54 (now 55...but who's counting), that we'd begun trying January 2010, that my cycles could have been timed with a stopwatch before that but after we began trying I stopped having cycles for 4 months.  I explained the last year and a half of super irregular cycles, acupuncture, naturopathy (he did not blink an eye at this - I felt no 'judgement' from him), chiropractic, supplementation, etc.  Explained the night sweats since I was 30 that have stopped since doing the naturopathy & acupuncture, but that I do still get 'waves' of heat.  I don't feel that they are really 'hot flashes' as they feel milder than what other women describe (although, come to think of it, I also have quite a high pain threshold, so maybe my judgement is out of whack there....maybe what I experience as mild is really quite intense for other women...).

When I proceeded to the part about going to the specialist in May, I said... "I went to an appointment with.....and I'm sorry if you know her, but.....that HORRIBLE woman over at X Clinic."   I explained how we were treated and written off and he said that he's not surprised, that its not the first he's heard stories like that.

After telling my tale (during which he took endless notes on his Mac computer....I LOVE nerds!), I explained that I wanted some answers and I wanted him to run a battery of tests on me.  I said I want to be checked for PCOS, Ovarian Reserve and check my tubes, and that I want a requisition for day 3 blood work.

He explained, sort of, that you can't really 'test' for PCOS...you just diagnose it if cysts appear consistently, and that you don't really 'treat' it either.  He expained every woman gets cysts now & then.  That sort of let some wind out of my sails a bit.  (Does anyone know, as I forgot to ask, is it still possible to retrieve my own eggs for IVF if I do indeed have PCOS?)

He said that as for the other stuff, we'll run some tests.  He gave me the blood work requisition & also added another for mid-cycle.  He said since my cycles are so irregular and since I've kept such detailed records, that I should average out the length of my cycles for the last year and a half.  Whatever that average # is, divide it by 2 and then add 2.  So if the average is 30, then I go for a second round of blood work on day 17 (15+2).  He figures with such irregular cycles that's the best guess we have right now of 2 days after ovulation - although it is a long shot.

Also, he gave me a requisition for 3 ultrasounds - 1 pelvic, 1 trans vaginal, and 1 sonohysterogram which is apparently the one where they check my tubes.  The requisition notes say "37F (I think that means 37 yr old female) Fertility workup, oligomenorhea.  R/O uterine, tubal pathology"  I looked up Ogliomenhorhea if you are interested :

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oligomenorrhea


He then added something to the effect of "The difficult thing about fertility problems is that we often don't figure out what is happening or why.  So we can run these tests and it may just show that everything SHOULD be working just fine. We may never find out why it isn't."

Bummer.  Big, Ugly, Smelly, Pimply, Bummer.

But I liked him.  So did Hubby.  He might even take Hubby on as a patient which would be SO nice.  We assured him that he is very low maintenance.

So now, next week, I go get poked and probed...and I am SO hopeful that the pictures will tell us exactly what the problem is and that there is a way to fix it.

Then, once again, I will be relying on my trusty nerds to take care of it all for me!

Hugs.
~SCS

Thankful

First I'm thankful for the additions of a couple of new friends, Brenda at Hope Springs Infertile: Now with 2 Little Sprouts, and Becca at Beccasfamilyof5 to my blog.  Thank you for joining me and I SO look forward to getting to know each of you. 


Second I'm thankful to Missy at My Unglorious Life for teaching me how to follow people who don't have a follow button! (THAT was frustrating!!!)

Third, I'm thankful that I'm feeling good today.

Its a very busy time right now as so much is happening in our lives.


Of course, IF is always there.  But we try not to dwell, if we can.  We are also in the process of screening applicants for our basement apartment - always a nerve wracking time.  My poor garden is showing how neglected its been this year, not to mention the weather extremes it has been put through by mother nature.  I'm taking on a few singing students for the fall in order to make some grocery money - but I've lost all of my materials and have to re-write all of my handouts from scratch, as well as my curriculum.


And, I'm 99% certain I am going back to school in November.  There are a lot of preparations that have to be made in order to make that happen - not the least of which is sorting out our finances.  So I've spent the last week bringing all of our financials up to date and down on spreadsheets so I can see the whole picture.  Wow - its not a pretty one.  We overspend - huge.  A big chunk is all of my expenses for Naturopath, Accupuncture, Chiropractor & all the supplements that go along with that.  Another big chunk is eating out at restaurants.  As I've said, I love food, and I would almost venture to say that I'm a hairs breadth from being a food addict.  Really.  I have some sort of emotional attachment to it that I have to come to terms with.


On the bright side, though, by looking at all of this now I see so much opportunity for us.  Its going to be a very hard couple of years while I am in school, keeping the purse strings tight - but if we succeed in following the budget I have laid out then at the end of it all we should be in a really great place - better than I thought we could ever be in.  In fact, we should be able to pay off my (HOPEFULLY GETTING ONE) student loan within the 6 months that you need to after graduating before they begin to charge interest!


So...I don't know what this optimistic streak is all about right now.  We are scrounging for money and things will get worse before they get better.  Its CD 53, I exhibit classic signs of being menopausal at age 37 (38 in a couple months...sigh), I don't feel at all optimistic about the prospects or possibility of being able to have my own genetic child with my husband and that breaks my heart.


And yet today....I feel light.  I feel energized.  I feel like almost....ALMOST...anything could be possible....


I surely hope that anything is.


Hugs all

Blogger Award Response - A Blog With Substance

Thank you so, so very much to One Perfect Emby (who's blog is terrific!) for nominating me for this award - my very first!!!  Its so exciting!!


Ok - so I guess the rules are that I am to share 7 things about myself that you all might not know, and then nominate 7 followers to carry the award on.  The challenge is that I only have 5 followers at this point, and one of them is the person who nominated me!  So, I shall nominate the others and hope that as my blog grows so will the number of people who are touched in some way by my story.

7 things about myself:
1) I am a Pescatarian - meaning I eat a bit of seafood, but no meat or poultry
2) I am totally a type-A personality.  A wee bit controlling and obsessive.  My heart is always in the right place but sometimes I know I can put people off with it.
3) I love to cook - I experiment with recipes all the time & its incredibly rare that anything processed comes into our house.  I'm very particular about eating REAL food!
4) I have written about 100 songs (my best guess) - 2 of which have appeared in films (one was a major motion picture with a big hollywood star - he's not so much anymore though)
5) I obsess a bit about food.  I love to eat.
6) I've never been off the continent (North America), but I dream of going to Italy, France & Spain (as well as many other places!)
7) I have many visions of what my "picture perfect life" looks like.  They all involve a child.  One is a country home on a few acres with a big organic garden.  Another is owning a little cafe in a small town serving wonderful food.  Another is travelling the globe playing music, writing, and of course, eating!

Now - nominations.....

Well, the only other blog that I follow that follows me that didn't nominate me is:

• Late for a Very Important Pregancy

I have 3 other followers, but I'm not sure if they have blogs because when I click on them, it doesn't take me to a blog....so.... if the following folks do have blogs, please consider yourselves nominated! (And please tell me how to access your blogs because I would love to get to know you!)

• melissac24
• J Smith
• Lani

Thanks to all of you for joining me on my journey.  It helps.  It really does.
~SCS

CD 48. BFN.

I am terrified.

CD41 and BFN (again).

fuck.

POAS today.  Last week I would have said for sure that it would be a BFN, so I didn't POAS.  Then yesterday....I began to hope...

fuck.

My last cycle was 43 days - so I'm thinking AF will be here soon.  Hope so.  I'm ready to start on the next round.

Looking forward to the appointment with Dr. Young Guy in 2 weeks.  I think those questions (see last post) all need to be answered.  I'm still open to receiving thoughts about further questions to raise to him if anyone out there can think of any for me to ask.

I've met with the admissions person at the school I'm considering.  It all looks good.  I just have to figure out the balance so that we don't starve to death while I'm in school.  I've put an ad up to give voice lessons - hopefully there are some takers.  I'm also hoping my current employer will be supportive and allow me to work part time whenever possible.  If anyone out there needs a freelance art project done (computer or hand illustration, realistic or cartoon (any style), photography, logos & business card design, portraits, etc....) please shoot me a comment and I will send you the website link for my husband's business.

I confessed our IF struggles to one of my very best girlfriends this past week.  We talked a long time  she was of course wonderful.  Egg donation came up.  She said that she knows a woman who donated eggs and when she (my friend) heard about it she thought to herself (this was years ago) "who would I do that for if it ever came to that?".  She said that I was one of the 3 people she would do it for.  She said she knows that we're not at that place yet and that she knows we will get pregnant ourselves, but that if it came down to it, she would do it, if she were a good candidate.  I thanked her, from the bottom of my heart.  I'm not sure how I feel about it though.

I told my mother about it.  My mom thinks its great (if it came to that) since my friend and I are such similar people - very alike in our values, likes, dislikes & talents.  I said "But I don't know if I could get over the thought that it would be my husband and my best friend's baby".  I don't know if I would hurt to my core every time I looked at "my" child.  I just don't know.

I hope what I've said is not being insensitive to anyone out there who has gone the donor egg route.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  If it comes down to that being our only option - then I will do it - and I respect and admire anyone who has had the strength to do it.  I'm just new to the idea that this might be a route that we will have to take.  I'm still trying to emotionally grasp that I may not be able to have a child of my own genetics.  I hope I do not offend.

Geez....this whole thing sucks.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just The Facts, Ma'am!

First,  thank you so much to Glass Case of Emotion, One Perfect Emby, and to darling Maddy for your kind comments.  You've helped pull me out of a helpless, self-pitying slump that I would have wollowed in alone for weeks.  I cannot thank you enough.

And as Maddy suggested - its time to get the facts! 

All I know about my IF up to this point is that we've been trying for 18 months now with no success, and that I had a day 13 blood test that showed very high FSH.  I've been charting my BBT for almost a year (sadly, no real distinguishable patterns), but was pretty lax with it at first.  I've begun using Fertility Friend to chart and have actually started taking my temp vaginally just about a week ago, which is actually producing more stable temperatures.  I've been seeing a naturopath for a little over a year now and getting accupuncture, and I have just begun getting Chiropractic treatments.  My diet is about 90% really good and 10% slip ups.  I exercize regularly but not OVERLY intensely.  Physically I am starting to feel the best that I have in my whole life.

So....  my long time family doctor just retired last month.  I have a new family doctor now - a young fellow apparently.  I have booked an appointment in hopes to get a more proactive, supportive reaction.  I'm hoping to develop a relationship where he becomes at least slightly invested in my achieving pregnancy!  Or at least that he will care a teeny tiny bit.  Or perhaps even show some empathy.  Maybe he would even make suggestions, or, I don't know (and this might just be too radical a thought) maybe provide some medical advice???  I know I'm reaching, but here's hoping.

I've booked an appointment.  I see him August 16th.  The receptionist asked whether my husband would be joining me.  I said "I don't think so - my husband is not a patient in the office.  We've been trying to get him in for years, but Dr. Old Guy wouldn't take him on as a patient.".  "Well," she said, "bring your husband along.  Its good for everyone to be on the same page in this.  The doctor will likely want some information from him.  Its also good moral support for you".  (my jaw hit the floor, I think.  I've never had kindness like that from my doctor's office!).  Anyway - we're booked and its on!

I have begun a list of questions and things I want to ask for.  PLEASE if you have any other suggestions let me know.  I want to be THOROUGH in this investigation so that we can really know what we are working with (other than a Yin deficiency!).

So far my list is:

• Requisition for blood tests covering all possible hormones/deficiencies linked to conception troubles.  (I will go get the blood drawn on day 3 of my cycle, in order to get an accurate FSH)
• AMH Blood test for Ovarian Reserve
• Ultrasound for Ovarian Reserve & possible cysts 
• Check Fallopian Tubes - not just the fluid but actually looking to ensure they are clear

Again, PLEASE let me know if you think there is anything more I should be asking about.

I have to thank the other blogs that I have been reading or I wouldn't even know about these things, really.  I still don't really know what some of these things are/how they work in the grand scheme of conception.  I just know that its time for me to start expecting that those I'm going to for help with this ACTUALLY do thier jobs and actively help me!

On another note....I've booked an appointment with an admissions officer at a Post Secondary school locally.  I've been doing a lot of soul searching about 'the rest of my life'.  I want to be a Mom more than anything....but I also want to be fulfilled in what I do in life.  The program I'm looking into is 2 years - full time.  Its an intense program.  I would not be able to work - so basically Hubby and I would not be able to afford to live.  Not sure how that is going to work out...   But if we can work out the financial side of things (not even opposed to borrowing - which other than our mortgage we have never done), then on the other side of school would be a far greater income than I can generate right now - and let me tell you, a hell of a lot more satisfaction as well.  We would be able to be back on track within a year or so. 

I know - is this the right time to go back to school?  I'm supposed to stay stress free in order to get pregnant.  And what if I were to get pregnant in the middle of all of this?  Well, it would be a challenge to work through.  But wouldn't that just mean that I'd be getting EVERYTHING I wanted?  I'll be 38 when the program starts.  I'll be 40 when I graduate (if I enroll).  I don't want to wait another year just in case I get pregnant.  I've been waiting for things to happen to me ALL MY FREAKING LIFE!!!!  I've got to make things happen. 

Before its too late.

TWW = Two Week WTF?!, and Be Careful What You Wish For

So, you thought I had dropped off the face of the Earth.  Well, almost.  I was pretending to be a post-woman for a little over a week.  Really.  Covering for someone who has a rural route (they are responsible for finding and training their own coverage for their vacations).  So 12 hour days (mail volumes huge as we've just come off a mail strike), physical pain, bruises, and a $1200 car repair later, I've resurfaced.  I've decided I don't want to be a post-woman when I grow up.

Lets see...last post I wondered if perhaps I was experiencing Ovulation signs.  I'm not so sure now - in fact, I'm pretty sure that's a no.

I spotted that day (CD13), then took a couple of days off before beginning another marathon spotting event that lasted from CD 16 to 23.  In case you are trying to count that's 8 days of spotting.  Dark & brownish and just enough for a pantyliner to handle daily.  My BBT chart on FF looks like 3 year old's drawing of a mountain range and I'm exuding a lot of heat from about 4 or 5 am to about 7 (not heat wave related.  With the amount of heat I'm emitting I could actually be the source of this supposed 'heat dome' hovering over the continent.  Sorry y'all.).

So, I'm now on CD 29 & feel no real need to take an HPT.  I know I'm not pregnant.  I don't think I can get pregnant.  I can't believe I've robbed myself of this by waiting so long.  Its such a helpless, hopeless feeling.

Also, I'm in this emotional crisis where I am examining my life and not knowing what the hell to do with myself & my life.

I'm 37 years old.  I'm a smart person, reasonably.  I'm attractive, reasonably.  I'm in decent shape, reasonably.  I have many skills and interests that I'm reasonably good at.  I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  The problem with that is that I'm WELL beyond grown up and my body smugly reminds me of this daily when I wake up and remember that I'm not a Mom and won't be because I'm too old and shrivelled to be.

My husband is an amazingly talented artist and in the past year has built up a business around that that is starting to bring in an ok income.  He's on the track of his passion and its working out wonderfully and I am SO proud of him and happy for him.

Me, on the other hand....  well, some background first...

I never went to university, but instead moved out west and did the 'finding myself' thing which basically meant I floated for a year and a half.  When I came back I got a quick job in a factory, which led to a job in their offices, where I developed some skills for about 3 years.  Then I got a job with a big company in their call centre.  I spent 10 years with that company and went from customer service rep to manager of the department.  I left 4 years ago for 2 reasons:  1) I didn't want to 'grow' any further - the pressure of my job was enough.  My leadership wanted me to keep climbing and there was a lot of pressure there and I became very unhappy. 2) I met my now-husband through music circles.  Both of us being independent singer-songwriters, we formed a duo and decided that if we were ever going to take time off to record a CD, tour & do the whole musician thing, we'd better get on it, because we were "getting older".  I was 33.  God I wish I was 33 again.

So I quit the big corporation, got a part time, flexible job in a small construction office, and 'followed my dream' - sort of.  I enjoy music.  Its part of me.  I just do it.  I'm not really all that passionate about it.  The closest I get to passionate about it is when I'm singing.  It doesn't matter if I'm singing my own stuff or a cover of "Natural Woman" or "Black Velvet" - I really love that moment of just singing.  But I wouldn't say it's my 'dream'.  Now the small company is slowing down as the owner prepares for retirement, my husband has decided to fly solo & be self employed, and I need to earn some money, have benefits and hopefully some sort of pension (or at least make enough money to put $ away for retirement).  I DON'T want to go back to a large corporation.  I'd like to actually enjoy what I do and feel value in what I'm doing.

So that's the career side of things.  Tangled up in all of this were 2 miscarriages (2004 with my ex), a divorce, and basically resigning myself that I would be alone and childless for the rest of my life (as is customary for old maids of 32 who choose to end their marriages).  Then I met the hero of my world and man of my dreams.  We decided to follow our artistic spirits and in doing so, made the conscious decision not to have children.  At the time, we thought our choices were "normal" life with corporate 9-5 jobs and the house in the suburbs & kids, OR follow the music muse.  After many tears and late nights and back and forth discussions we decided that neither of our spirits would be satisfied if we didn't get out there and TRY IT when it came to the music.

So there you go.  I CHOSE not to have babies when I could.  I'm getting what I asked for.  What I deserve.

I even wrote a song about my choice which I have never been able to get through without crying - and still can't to this day.

I may never see your face
I may never know your soft embrace
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be

You may never greet the dawn
You may never know your home
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be

I can't forget, I might regret
Turning you away
But time keeps rolling past, some chances they don't last
So I'll cry a tear every day.....every day

You may never see the light
I may never get it right
But you're still real to me
As real as you'll ever be

I'm getting what I asked for, I guess.  Its all my fault.

Ovulation Signs?

I'm not sure whether to be excited or not.  Here is the checklist of what my body has been doing the last few days...

• I'm on CD13
• CM - last couple days its been ok.  Not GREAT.  No EWCM as of yet.  But at least there was some which is more than I can say for the last year or so.
• A teeny tiny bit of pink spotting today.  I looked that up & it says it can be a sign of ovulation.
• Last 24 hours or so very mild lower abdominal cramping.
• No temperature spike in BBT.
• Very 'on the verge of weepy' the last couple of days.  I've welled up at just about every news report I've heard/seen.

What do you think?  Is there a chance I could actually be ovulating, or am I getting my hopes up without enough evidence?

Oh - and also, should I stop working out if I am ovulating??

~SCS

Time to just not think about it

There really is nothing like it.  I highly recommend it.  If you can manage it.

Sadly - its one of those things...you TRY not to think about it...you just think about it more.

I had a wonderful weekend away with hubby in our nearby metropolitan area.  It was glorious.  We stayed with friends, we ate great food, we saw a ball game & toured a beautiful old district of the city which was reopened a few years ago and now is full of galleries and artisans and a WONDERFUL chocolate shop.  I had their specialty - an intense drink of spicy hot chocolate, thick and rich and sexy.  I also sampled some of their house made gelato...blueberry basil (yes...it was brilliant!), and lemon sour cream (bliss!).  We also went to the 'cool' shopping strip and I got some nice bath things (normally I make my own as I have such sensitive skin that I react to most commercial cosmetics - but this place uses all natural stuff - the same bases that I use really - but they do it SUPER PRETTY!), a beautiful turqoise pendant that I can't stop admiring, and PINK CONVERSE ALL STAR HI-TOPS for my 3 year old neice!  Oh, she is going to LOVE them!

It was so incredibly restorative.  Just what my soul needed.  Now I'm back home and rockin' the program with a positive attitude.

I haven't really had much CM in the last year or so....but the last couple of days I have had a wee bit.  Its CD 11 right now.  So based on what I've read thats a pretty good sign.  I guess I have to watch for EWCM in the coming days & that would be a good indicator that I might actually ovulate this cycle!  Wouldn't THAT be something!  I truly hope that is the only thing that is preventing us from achieving pregnancy.  Hubby's swimmers are good and I have been pregnant before - 2 miscarriages, 7 years ago.  My period came back after being gone for months.  Maybe my ovulation can come back too!

I really hope that I can stay in this positive place for the next few months.  My body seems to be responding well to it!  My mantra for the next several days:

"My body is preparing for pregnancy.  It is about to release a strong, healthy egg which will become fertilized, implant in a healthy uterine lining and settle itself in for a 9 month stay!"
(keep repeating until it happens)

A Wonderful Hubby, More Dreams and Less Reading

I'm hurting myself.  I'm winding myself into such a tight knot of stress that I'm about to burst at any moment.  I have to stop.

I have spent the last 2 weeks in a cyclone of emotion and I've dragged my poor husband through the wringer with me.

I'm worried that I won't have a child.  I need to be focused on the positive right now.  Its early in my IF journey, really and we don't even KNOW a lot of the clinical stuff yet.  I haven't even had a day 3 blood analysis, to determine whether my FSH really is high.  And right now the decision is not to do one.  Not yet, anyway.  Right now I'm supposed to be bolstering my wellness.  Focusing on my body, mind and spirit and becoming as healthy, vibrant and vital as I can make myself.  But there is a time limit to this...I know...and it looms and depresses and worries me.

The reading I've been doing is stressing me out.  Its making me think about all the challenges that I might have to face & I don't know if I can do it.  I love the blogs I've found and I want to know more about these amazing women and understand the strength that they have so that I may have it too.  But I think I have to stop.  Or slow down, anyway.  As I read, I feel my heart becoming heavy, my chest closing in, and my throat developing a hard lump.  I've got so little to do at work (a frustration in itself, which I may get to in another post) these days that I sit and read and get more and more tense throughout the day.  Then by the time I get home I'm walking a stress tightrope that I know I'm going to fall off of.  My poor husband gets the brunt of it.  He works from home and he is working very very hard at launching his own business...but I come home and there are dishes, laundry, crumbs on the counter, vacuuming, cat litter, etc...and that's all it takes to send me over the edge.  I crash & bang my way through the house.  I can imagine what a jerk I look like.

The back room that I had been doing my meditation in was junky and full of boxes & just disorganized.  It's been our catch all room for anything we don't really know what to do with or just haven't gotten to.  The other day I came home and all the boxes were cleared away.  2 tables were set in the corners draped with pretty fabric, with little lamps set on them.  An incense burner and 2 calming scents of incense were set out.  A couple of nice cushions on the floor and a beautiful new soft blanket.  Some books on the Tao, Meditation, Poetry placed carefully on the shelves.  My old ghetto blaster set up with my meditation CD in it.  My husband is my favorite person in the whole world.  I don't deserve him.

Yesterday I went to my naturopath for an acupuncture appointment.  My food sensitivity tests had come back & it appears that I'm in pretty good shape food wise.  My body can comfortably assimilate just about anything.  The only thing I have to steer clear of is Eggs.  I get a mild reaction to them - so I'm not supposed to have them.  If they are in something I buy, no big deal, but I shouldn't have 'true' eggs, and if I'm baking I should use an egg replacer.  So I'm all good in that area.  But I just broke down in her office & wept.  I know its stress.  That's exactly what it is.  And I know I'm holding things in which just makes it build.  We didn't get to acupuncture before her next client showed who was her last client of the day.  She told me to come back after her last appointment and she would stay and give me a treatment.  In the reception room I paid the receptionist & told her to charge me for 2 appointments as I'd be coming back.  So I paid & came back & got my treatment.  Then she told me she wasn't charging me for the earlier time, so she'd applied a credit to my account.  That was sweet.  I needed that kindness.

I got home and had a great talk with Hubby & apologized for being like the 3 faces of Eve recently.  He understood.  He just wants me to relax.  He is so confident that this will happen for us.  He knows we will have 2 children.  I will be thrilled with just one.

And the dreams....well, I had another one last night.  Strange how the dreams have resurfaced after so long an absence.  I dreamed that my work gave me a cheque for $75,000.00.  Not sure why -they just did.  They were giving everyone big cheques.  Actually everyone was getting 2 cheques but I only got one, and they thought I would be upset about that but I didn't care because, hey, its $75,000.00 - why complain!  Maybe its a lesson to make the most of the hand you are dealt....to be happy with what is given you instead of focusing on what is not. 

So, I will still read your blogs & slowly get to know you all...but only a little at a time...only what my heart and head can handle at once.  I will continue to write my own...I find it therapeutic.  I hope you will find something of value in it for you, as well.

Peace
~SCS